Surgery and the Lead- Up

Photo taken about 1 month after surgery (me and my daughter)

I am going to forewarn you, my reader, that this blog may be long. I have been waiting to write this one. You'll learn, if you have cancer, or if you know someone that does, that survivors don't like to relive these moments, the painful moments. But in order to take you, the reader, to an understanding of why my life is forever changed for the better, because of cancer, I must go back to the most painful moment of my life, both physically and spiritually.

Around my 44th birthday, I scheduled my surgery to take place the Wednesday after Labor Day, September 5, 2018. Up until one week prior to surgery, I was eating Aleve and Advil like candy to take away the pain I was in. If you remember from my last blog, I kept that pain level hidden from everyone...until I couldn't. At my pre-op appointment, they informed me of all these instructions regarding food, liquids and medications. One of them was to immediately stop taking NSAIDS (you know Aleve and Advil). They told me to take Tylenol instead (and then after I complained of severe pain less than 24 hours later, I was given Percocet). Well Tylenol with Oxy (Percocet) works on pain for like maybe a couple of hours, but doesn't do anything for the reason you are in pain. The NSAIDS were reducing the swelling (which surgery would highlight all the areas swollen with cancer).

When you are going to have a hysterectomy, you plan your life for those 6 weeks that you are recuperating, by cleaning, organizing at work, organizing and planning for the after-care. I had my last week prior to surgery to do that stuff, but it didn't happen. I couldn't stand, sit, sleep, walk. I lived to take my next dose of Percocet. I knew then that my surgery was going to reveal something worse than the anticipated Stage One little baby cancer they thought I had. Pain like that is so intense that it had me question suicide. I just knew I was going to die. So then my plans went from organizing prior to surgery, to I want to see my daughter one last time. She will never know what I did to make it to see her that Sunday. I traveled with my boyfriend. He was traveling to see his daughter at UVA and from there we would go to West Virginia to see my daughter. My medications they gave me for pain had a 6 hour relief window and an 8 hour dosing window. I had that trip nailed to the exact hours so that she would not see me in pain. I was in anguish sitting for the 2 hours to Richmond to stop and see my step-dad, the 2 hours to eat with him, the 2 hours to UVA, and I wanted to be a good girlfriend and watch the game with Mark, but the pain and the passing of blood were too much for me to handle. He went to the game. I went to the Hotel.

I laid in the tub (hot water was the only thing that soothed me) and seriously thought about taking my own life. Again, I just knew I was going to die anyway on the surgery table. A couple of random things happened while I was in that tub (we all know now, nothing is random). Brittany called me and her best friend, Mandy was texting me. Both of them made reference to coming home over the Winter Holidays and seeing me then. Both of them were talking future plans, and the suicide thoughts ended for that night. I was able to eat and slept maybe 4 hours, all in preparation to drive another 4 hours to see Brittany. Halfway to see her, I cheated and took an 800mg Motrin. I told Mark, that if I died because of it, so be it. I was going to see my child. I risked everything left in me to get to her because her school was not allowing or maybe the better word is not supporting her need to come home and be with me, and before I died on any surgical table, I wanted her to look me in the eyes when I said "you are my everything and I love you more than life".

By the time we got to her campus, the motrin and percocet were in full gear and I told Mark that I had maybe 3 hours of good feeling left. We ate lunch, talked and I let her see me as normal. Then when we took her back to campus and I had to say goodbye...well it was absolutely the hardest thing I ever had to do. I didn't want to let her go. I didn't want to see her cry. I couldn't stop crying. In one breath I am telling her about insurance policies, banking accounts, etc. and in the other breath I am telling her that everything would be fine...and then I think I told her I didn't have a good feeling about the outcome. We both cried.

Pulling away from campus was painful. I started quietly crying. We hit the mountains and I started balling. I started confessing to Mark that I knew I was going to die, because I was a sinner and was undeserving of being saved. I started calling out all of my sins. I confessed that I was too far gone to even pray for myself. THAT'S RIGHT I DID NOT PRAY FOR MYSELF. I am sure he was thinking who is this person sitting next to me and how do I get her out of my vehicle. I cried out of sorrow and pain the 6 hours it took to get home.

The day before surgery was HELL, due to me having to stop taking all pain medications by midnight. I didn't sleep, because the last pain medicine I took at 11:59 p.m. only lasted until 3am. So from 3am until about 8am I crawled, climbed, rolled, bathed, rocked, walked, cried...I yelled at God...everything I could do to make it to the hospital. The pain was so bad. To all my readers that have been in pain before, I am talking pain worse than toothache, worse than labor pain, this was beyond a 10 on their happy face scale. This was DEATH. I was so relieved to make it to the hour in which my former father-in-law arrived to pick me up (and my Aunt). My Aunt told me to call ahead and tell them how much pain I was in. I did. I must have looked stricken with agonizing pain, because I think I only sat in the lobby like 10 minutes.

In the pre-op room, where you clean off, gown up and wait to be rolled to Surgery. I couldn't sit still for the nursed to do anything with me. They had my aunt come back with me (I guess they were hoping she could calm me down). They called me in some Morphine (that's right people - the all powerful Morphine) and about 20 minutes later it arrived. They shot that in my veins and like a minute later I saw panic in my Aunt's face. She said "you didn't feel that?" I told her that I was in the same pain. They ordered me another shot and 10 minutes later my 10+ pain went to about an 8. Which meant I could lay in the bed and look at the people in the room for the first time in days...I could focus on things other than pain. I gave my Aunt and father-in-law notes (told them not read them until "after"). Each one was last-thoughts note - what to do, who to call if things went bad. Then my boss came into the room. A few minutes later they were wheeling me into surgery. In the travels, they gave me a shot of something that numbed me, but I still could feel the swelling sensation.

I was than introduced to my "Anesthesia team" and they gave me a shot....and then I was out....

I know this is a lot to take in. My own thoughts of ending it all because of pain, yet our Lord and savior suffered a far worse and painful death. Some of you might question me when I say I was unable to pray for myself, but I was. I only remember talking to God the morning of surgery and it was a desperate cry to stop the pain. I was not praying for any eternal or soul saving relief.

At the moment I got that shot that put me out, I was a broken, broken, broken woman with no faith, no hope and no salvation. I was willing myself to die. I had prepared to die. There was not light at the end of the tunnel. Just death.

My heart was bitter.

Proverbs 19:3 The foolishness of man ruins his way, and his heart rages against the Lord.

But my savior, Jesus, he was watching.

1 Peter 4:1 Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourself also with the same attitude, because whoever suffers in the body is done with sin.

Thank you for reading, have a blessed week!


Facts about cancer pain (and if you are in pain - SPEAK TO YOUR DOCTOR)
https://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatments-and-side-effects/physical-side-effects/pain.html

Embracing Love and Family - Thank you Chris Jett

In July and August of 2018, while waiting on diagnosis and testing, I like most of you had a handful of family outings to attend.

But on the weekend before my results came in, I had a two-fer...lol (two family events in one day). This happens to me all the time. It actually worked out in my favor, because it provided me a day, just one, to tell everyone everything and then to refocus on "pretending" I was okay.

My first outing was with my biological dad's family. We had a little gathering to celebrate summer birthdays and show love to each other. Through the years we have all spread out and it takes a big event to get us all back together. I started off talking to my beloved Aunt Aleta, my second mama. She is a nurse and had been one of my earliest calls when things were going wrong. I slowly made my way through most of my relatives. I was upbeat, they were upbeat. I said it was nothing, they said it was nothing. We ate and just shared life with one another. Strange as it sounds, looking back on it, I was comforting them more than they were comforting me. After all it had been less than five years since we buried my dad and one of his brothers is in ill-health (love you Uncle Jimmy). So the last thing I wanted to do was burden them with bad news. I promised to keep them all informed, shared hugs and left.

At this point in my day, I still was more optimistic than scared. It weighed on me, but not too much. I was actually starting to believe I may have dodged a bullet.

Then I got to my stepdad's. Comparing my step-father to my biological father is like comparing night to day. My step-dad is practical, thrifty, strict and stickler for the rules. My dad would give away things to those in need, always helped others, was easy-going, had his own set of rules and definitely was not thrifty. So, as I got closer to his driveway, the same driveway I first drove on, the house I grew up in, dread started to make it's way into my head and heart. I would be seeing my Sister, Kim and her family and having a mid-summer cook-out. We all have that one person in our life, that just personifies perfection and makes every thing look doable and easy. That's my Sister, Kim. She has done life RIGHT and let me just say, God has blessed her for her faith and loyalty. She has always been in the back of my mind the image of what I "could" be if I "tried".

We were preparing plates to go outside and eat and I found myself in the Kitchen with my brother-in-law, Chris. God knew what he was doing putting those two together, they just compliment one another with a seamless ease. Where one stops, the other begins. I love them both dearly, but have never been close to them. We do holidays and family things, but we don't visit or share on a deeper level (which is definitely my fault).

I digress, so..I was in the kitchen making my plate and had had to go to my car to grab Alleve (my candy) to ease the pain. There I am taking pain medication and I just start telling him things that I hadn't even told myself. I told him of my fear, my weakness, my failure in Christ and he just looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me I was loved. He told me he'd pray for me. He shared with me a story about someone he knew that went through something similar (WARNING - TO ALL MY NEWLY DIAGNOSED LADIES - EVERYONE KNOWS SOMEONE WITH CANCER - AND THEY ALL HAVE RECIPES, TREATMENTS, SUPPLEMENTS - ADVICE-----GRIN----SMILE----SAY THANKS).

What Chris didn't know is that I had stopped believing that I was in deed loved by God, loved by family, loved at all. I had, for so long, given up on love and faith. I was cold and a loner (hence why I never visited much). His reaction to me gave the strength to then tell my sister and my step-dad. I think I knew then that my world was about to change, but I didn't know how, why, when or my response.

For most of us we categorize love into "Romantic"  "Maternal" and "Familiar/Friend". I think because we do this we reduce love to a word that means a little more than "like". After all how many times do you say "I love those shoes, that food, that movie, that song...etc." But, what my brother-in-law did was recognize my inner pain (trust me I was trying to hide it) and not say "you'll be okay"...but say "no matter the outcome, you are loved by God and IT WILL BE OKAY". His words woke me up, softened my heart which then was open to start receiving on a greater level after my surgery.

Love is so huge, so important that if you had to sum up the entire Bible into one word it would be LOVE!

I am not sure there is a word greater than "thank you" to express my gratitude to him for how he handled that moment. He definitely embodies "grace" and he and my sister live a life full of faith and love that just being around them is like being a little closer to God.

1 Corinthians 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 John 4:16 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Jeremiah 31:3 The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness."

AND OF COURSE THE GREATEST ACT OF LOVE IS DESCRIBED IN JOHN 3:16

     "FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD THAT HE GAVE HIS ONE AND ONLY SON, THAT WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM SHALL NOT PERISH BUT HAVE ETERNAL LIFE."

I will definitely touch more on family in a later blog, because I have barely mentioned my daughter so far and she definitely is a huge part of why I am still here blogging away.


Links:

For loved ones caring for a family member with cancer: https://www.cancer.org/treatment/caregivers.html

God bless - April

Divine Intervention "Selecting the Physician"

Once I was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer on August  9, 2018, I had to tell the OBGYN who and where I wanted to be treated with. She had offered to refer me if I did not know of anyone, but this is the Doctor that had treated me unprofessionally, and I didn't want the very weight of my life to rest in her hands.

Prior to my diagnosis, I had been working for the same law firm for over 14 years (Ferguson, Rawls & Raines, PC). I have a solid relationship with the lawyer I work with. On August 7th I knew that she was going to tell me I had cancer, based solely on her callous text message about "monkey wrench in her surgical plans".  There I was crying at my desk (after reading that) and my boss (Randy Raines) walked by and looked scared (he had emotionally supported me through all the testing). He hugged me, walked away to the conference room and was on his phone for a long time (not unusual).

While he was on the phone, I had been looking at odds/news/treatments/physicians/surgeons that treated my cancer. I absolutely was numb, unable to process any of it. After all, I was only 43, in the summer of my life and finally living a confident life. This was an unwanted and unplanned speed-bump.

About an hour after my encounter with my boss, he came to my desk with a ripped piece of yellow legal-pad paper. On the piece of paper were two names. Randy looked at me and said "I called all the doctors I know and trust and these are the two physicians in the area that they agree upon". This man whom I have worked along side since month before turning 30, looked teary eyed and sad. I looked at the two names on the piece of paper and looked back at him. He then said "the first one there is the one my buddies (all doctors) said they'd send their own wives and mothers too if they had cancer". I hugged him and thanked him and then went to Google to look up these two physicians.

I decided to walk into my appointment on August 9th with the first name on the list. The selection was based solely on my boss' friends referral and the smile on his face on his website. He looked like someone that I could trust. My selection was Dr. Christopher McCann (much more about him later) and he turned out to be a masterful surgeon and super optimistic Gynecological Oncologist. 

The thing that is amazing about all of this, is that had I been responsible for searching and finding my own oncologists, I probably would have gone with someone from Sentara/Virginia Oncology, as they are the areas largest oncology group and that would have been horrible for me. And, there was a time period two years prior to my diagnosis, that I was offered a chance to leave my job and work for another attorney...and I had accepted that position, so my caring boss' intervention in selecting the person that save my body/life, almost never happened.

This moment two years prior (of taking the job offer) was highlighted in my mind February, 2019 after the Devoted Women's Conference (Wave Church). One of the speakers (Sharon) spoke about a time she was taking a new job and even though the job had more money, better hours, and was closer to home, she had a bad feeling in her gut about it. She said she even drove by the place at odd hours just to see what it was about the place that didn't sit well. In the end, she chose not take the job because of the feeling she had.

This same thing happened to me in 2016. I had taken the job, given my notice to Randy and was preparing myself for what I thought was a better job. My boss was sad, his wife was sad, I was sad, but wanted something new...but it just wouldn't settle right in my gut. I couldn't get peace about it. I was sitting in the locker room at my gym putting on my shoes when something just hit me...don't take this job. I immediately texted my boss and said "is it too late for me to rescind my resignation"...his reply was "what resignation".

You see even though I wasn't living a righteous life at the time, even though I wasn't praying at the time, even though I sinned (greatly) at the time...God was still there, still looking out for me, and he knew!!! He knew that I didn't need to stay where I was for 2016, but that in 2018 I was going to need to be in position where my loyalty was to come into play. Any new boss would not have valued me to the point of contacting friends and colleagues to find a physician. Any new boss would not have let me work as I could through Chemotherapy.

God knew that the decision I was making in 2016 was going to negatively impact my need in 2018. I will always be grateful to my Lord for being my divine intervention and for him knowing my needs before they ever existed. I will also be forever grateful to Randy for caring so much that he found exactly who I needed to look after me.

Be mindful of every decision you make today, because those decisions ripple down to the rest of your life and know this...God knew us, God knows us, God will always have plans for us!

Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

As always trust in the Lord!

Amen

April

Links:

Oncologist Search:
https://www.cancer.net/navigating-cancer-care/cancer-basics/cancer-care-team/choosing-doctor-your-cancer-care

My physician - Dr. Christopher McCann:
https://bonsecours.com/hampton-roads/find-a-provider/providers/physicians/christopher-mccann?utm_source=local-listing&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=website-link