The Uncertain Path

Asking for prayers and verses. My 3-month scan is tomorrow. I would love to say that I am the most secure Christian and in my walk with Christ, that I have no fear or anxiety, but that is a lie. Truth is the uncertainty of everything is a bit daunting and overwhelming. I am not ready for this life and fight to be over with, at the same time, I never did get all of me from the last round of treatments. My Doctor is aware at how nervous I get, so he originally scheduled an appointment to see me on Friday, but he needed a vacation from his patients (can’t blame him) and now I won’t see him or know my results until October 28^th.

I know this is a huge test of my patience, my faith, my beliefs, and my resolve. These weeks are going to be a challenge, the devil will use them to try and convince me that I am on death’s door, that I am too weak to handle what comes my way. I have been here before. I know his tricks and I know the weakness of my mind. I will probably see one cancer commercial after another the next two weeks. This is when I notice them more.

There are songs I will listen to, to bring me back to God’s love and hope, and that will last all of four to five minutes. I will read the bible, but this is when I’ll see verses about God’s resolve to destroy us because of our wickedness and sin (I am in the Prophets and Revelations). I do not like what’s about to happen to my mind.

And that dreaded scan, it takes an hour for the radioactive dye to settle into my body so they can light me up like a Christmas tree. Since my cancer is in my lymph system, they will scan me head to mid-thigh, which takes about 40 minutes. Laying still in a tight tube for 40 minutes is not exactly easy. I usually spend the entire time talking to Jesus, always hopeful that he will have mercy on me.

So here I am asking everyone to inbox me with verses to get me through two weeks of dread, asking for things to do to occupy my mind, and asking for prayers. I have heard if I get through this scan with no cancer growth, my next scan will be in 6 months – that may not sound like much to any healthy person, but 6 months to a person battling cancer is beyond a blessing, it’s time to live without treatment, without fear, without panic, it’s 6 months to live. 

I even feel a bit selfish asking for the prayers and thoughts, because I have pulled away from everyone, it's what I do before these scans. I guess in some weird way I feel it protects me, but I know it just opens me up for harder hits from Satan. When I need everyone the most, is when I go silent. I don't know why. 

I have told myself no more tears, no matter what happens, I am not wasting one more tear on this disease. It is what it is, I am one of millions of people suffering from Cancer. Each of us will have our own unique journey and experience, but through it all, we all will suffer some emotional trauma, bodily aches, and social stigmas.

Love you all!