The Let Down

No one said that the journey to the top of the mountain would be easy.

I honestly don't think this post has much to do with cancer, but more to do with the maturity I have in my Faith (which I only have because of Cancer). There may be some truths in this blog that lead to some hurt feelings, but when you mature in Faith, you see things so differently.

When I started this journey I was so far from Grace. I knew of Jesus and of God's grace, but only in the absolute basic form. Now I truly know Jesus. I still fall far from being worthy of God's grace, yet he gives it to me freely.

I try my best to surround myself with other's that are walking the walk of a Christian. Yet I am reminded that Jesus did not. He chose to sit with and engage sinners, in an effort that they may feel his love, believe and change their ways. I know that is what we are meant to do as well. To spread his word, show compassion and love to those that may not know any other form of Jesus, but the form we present to them.

So as a Christian, I am self aware of the "form" of Christ I show others. Cancer has provided me an amazing platform. I am able to talk Christs's love in my many support groups and to my medical team. I'll pray for and with just about anyone in need. Even when their prayer request is so close to my own emotional rawness of Cancer and surviving. There are no ends to which I won't go to pray for someone that feels like they have no hope.

And this is going to sound, well, harsh! I actually have been more let down by those that claim to be Christians than my heathen, non-believers in my support groups. Now, obviously this is not true about a lot of my inner-circle. My friends Heather, Beverly and sister, Kim could be poster-children of Christ. But, unfortunately this can't be said about others - I'll just leave that there.

The three I mentioned see me as April and will always see me as April. They will never see me as "the girl with cancer" or "oh poor pitiful April". They will always see me as ME. Do not underestimate or undervalue the importance of your fellow Christians seeing you as a child of Christ and as a unique individual. I have a friend Amiee that never talks about my illness - and I love it. She has made a point to "live life" with me right where I am.  It is refreshing.

Sometimes I feel that Christians like to label each other, as it helps them determine their own pecking order, or allows them a quick crutch to point out someone else's blessing or shortcomings when they are struggling with their own identity in Christ. Well I hate to say this to those that think like this but I am April - I am not just Cancer. I am not just Broken. I do not need to be reminded daily of my suffering. I remind myself daily of my survival by speaking to those suffering. So I don't need my wounds to be cut open time and time again.

So the reason I feel let down by some in "faith" - is simply to do with my perspective of faith and what it is to be a Christian. Have you ever just pondered on what it is to be "saved" or to be "reborn" or to live a "Christ-like life"? It means that you shouldn't be living your life exactly as you did before given your life to Christ. And although we all fall short of being worthy of God's grace, we have a duty and an obligation, to deny the flesh and live according to his will and purpose.

Many of the people I have encountered on this journey still live a very flesh-driven lifestyle. They live without the Joy of living for Jesus. They still live for themselves, do as they want, and have not changed. It is sad to watch this. I have had to unfollow so many, because I have seen with my own "sinful eyes" how much they live for and love the world. It just breaks my heart. I know God wants us to enjoy the gifts of this World he has provided - just not everything of this world is his design/making. And I know some are rolling their eyes or saying "she sins too" - yep I do, but when I sin I repent, beg for mercy of the Lord and do my best to not do it again.

Many are living as if "I am saved" is a blank check to live life to the fullest that you can cash in at the date and time of death. NOPE - not even close to how you should be thinking if you are saved.

Cancer was a wake up call that "hey stupid - you will die - sooner than you think" - and yet many of us are living like we always have tomorrow to make it right. We have no such guarantee. If you haven't seen the movie Overcomer - this is a tiny little spoiler (but it was in a preview - so it's all good)....a sick man asks a man that visits him in the hospital to "pray for me" - and the visitor says "I will".  When the visitor comes back to visit him, the sick man is confronting him about putting God first all the time...and he asks the visitor "you said you would pray for me....DID YOU" and of course the visitor had not prayed for him.

And to make this long post summed up - I think this is my point. Many of us claim to be, act like we are and talk a huge CHRISTIAN game...but we don't live it.

Well from all my fellow caner survivors let me tell you that each and every single PRAYER is needed, wanted and longed for.

Like I said this may offend many...but if it does you need to re-read your bible. God, David, Solomon, Jesus, Peter and Paul (and many more) offended many to get their point across....and the point is that TRUE SALVATION REQUIRES CHANGE - CHANGE INSPIRES GROWTH AND GROWTH LEADS TO FAITHFUL FRUIT. 

But hey - let's see what they actually said...

From Solomon...Proverbs 4:25-27 "Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

(basically you can't have one foot in faith and one foot in the world)...it's being all in!

From Paul...Ephesians 4:31-32 "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

(we really should not gossip, not have anger or be mean spirited - and this even more especially true in our religious sections of life  - you know church, small groups, faith functions)

Galatians 5:16-18 "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law."

But I think my favorite on the "continued sin" is from John - the beloved John - 1 John 3:4-5 "Everyone who practices sin also practices lawlessness; and sin is lawlessness. You know that He appeared in order to take away sins; and in Him there is no sin. No one abides in Him sins; no one who sins has seen Him or KNOWS Him.

I love each of you and want each of you to live a life according to the will of God and to live a life full of Joy. You know - because heaven will be a little less bright without you!

Until next time,

April

Cancerversiary, Birthday, Future...oh my!

If you know anyone that has been struggling with or who is a survivor of Cancer you have heard the word "cacerversiary". The term basically is a date a patient looks on as a milestone. For me I picked the date of my initial diagnosis. Well that day has come and gone and now I am less than a week from my birthday and less than a month from spending a great weekend with my daughter to celebrate her 21st.

If I were to be honest with you all and myself, I'd tell you that in October, 2018, I didn't think I'd see any of this - and yet here I am. All I know to do is say "Glory to God" "Praise you Lord for giving me this moment, these moments". I don't know why I am here and I no longer feel guilt about being alive. God's just not done using me for his will - when he is (for all of us), we will depart from this world.

I am now active in a few online support groups and two in-person groups. I feel my only goal with all of this is to shout to the world  - I am alive because of Jesus! - and to tell my testimony and to help others struggling with the disease.

In all my "present" days that God grants me, I still struggle with sin, as we all do. I always have to remind myself that "he is greater that is in me - than he that is in the world". Wow - look at me quoting the Word of GOD - well that's a change. Sometimes I give in to guilt, worry, worldly thoughts, after all I am human. Now, I just get gentle reminders that "hey God loves you - so it's okay to be mad, angry, hurt, and to FEEL." What's not okay is to lie in that feeling and wallow and let that feeling depress me or lower me into an empty darkness. God loves me - God loves you. Cancer isn't from God. These worldly evils (mass-shootings, corruptions, etc.) are not from God. But God will use them to get our focus on him.

I have spent the past few months not writing. I have been trying to figure out how God wants to use me, what is my purpose. I mean he has given me the gift of TODAY and he hasn't failed on any of his promises he made to me. How can I serve him. How can I share him. I am still searching for that Answer - but I do know he has always said - WRITE.

We (bible group) recently read The Circle Maker and I remembered that we are supposed to dream and that God wants to help us reach the dreams we have that are in line with his will. My dreams have always been about writing. That can't be a coincidence. So I am back, writing. And I know this BLOG is choppy and not well thought out - excuse me while I brush off the cobwebs from a very long and soul-searching summer.

I don't know who this is for, but these words, this Blog, is not about me, it's about that person that has questioned God about purpose, questioned God about survival...God is using me to speak to you. God has already spoken to me about me. He has gifted me with a few amazing visions/dreams that were personal to me and my life. These words in this blog are not to comfort me or to reassure me - but to comfort and reassure you.

God uses cancer, he uses death, he uses births, he uses accidents, he uses pain, he uses joy he uses it all to speak to us. He will take the absolute darkest moment and shine light in it - you might not see it - because that light may be for someone else. So now when I am in my dark places, I pray "God help me use this to help others, help me do your Will". We are not meant to suffer (long) - because we will suffer. Jesus told his disciples that they would suffer because they believed in him. If you ever want a wake-up call at the cost of being a Christian - read how they all perished. Yet each of them followed and spread the message of Jesus anyway. So we will suffer here on earth, because we are a fallen earth. We just aren't meant to suffer long or alone. God is always with us. He sees are suffering. So if you are suffering ask "God how can I use this to do your will" - he will answer.

Cancer is not fun. It is painful. It is disgusting. It is relentless. But right now I am celebrating this little gift called "remission" and "anniversary" with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I will thank him on my birthday. I will thank him on my trip with my daughter. I will thank him when I am bent over in pain. I will thank him when my nerves in my feet and hand still burn. I will thank him when my mind goes blank and I can't remember where I am or what I am doing. I will thank him when someone's words wounds my heart. I WILL THANK HIM - BECAUSE I CAN. I STILL CAN WRITE THIS. I STILL CAN SAY THIS. LIFE IS A GIFT - WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOURS?

Many blessings to you all,

April