Cancerversiary, Birthday, Future...oh my!

If you know anyone that has been struggling with or who is a survivor of Cancer you have heard the word "cacerversiary". The term basically is a date a patient looks on as a milestone. For me I picked the date of my initial diagnosis. Well that day has come and gone and now I am less than a week from my birthday and less than a month from spending a great weekend with my daughter to celebrate her 21st.

If I were to be honest with you all and myself, I'd tell you that in October, 2018, I didn't think I'd see any of this - and yet here I am. All I know to do is say "Glory to God" "Praise you Lord for giving me this moment, these moments". I don't know why I am here and I no longer feel guilt about being alive. God's just not done using me for his will - when he is (for all of us), we will depart from this world.

I am now active in a few online support groups and two in-person groups. I feel my only goal with all of this is to shout to the world  - I am alive because of Jesus! - and to tell my testimony and to help others struggling with the disease.

In all my "present" days that God grants me, I still struggle with sin, as we all do. I always have to remind myself that "he is greater that is in me - than he that is in the world". Wow - look at me quoting the Word of GOD - well that's a change. Sometimes I give in to guilt, worry, worldly thoughts, after all I am human. Now, I just get gentle reminders that "hey God loves you - so it's okay to be mad, angry, hurt, and to FEEL." What's not okay is to lie in that feeling and wallow and let that feeling depress me or lower me into an empty darkness. God loves me - God loves you. Cancer isn't from God. These worldly evils (mass-shootings, corruptions, etc.) are not from God. But God will use them to get our focus on him.

I have spent the past few months not writing. I have been trying to figure out how God wants to use me, what is my purpose. I mean he has given me the gift of TODAY and he hasn't failed on any of his promises he made to me. How can I serve him. How can I share him. I am still searching for that Answer - but I do know he has always said - WRITE.

We (bible group) recently read The Circle Maker and I remembered that we are supposed to dream and that God wants to help us reach the dreams we have that are in line with his will. My dreams have always been about writing. That can't be a coincidence. So I am back, writing. And I know this BLOG is choppy and not well thought out - excuse me while I brush off the cobwebs from a very long and soul-searching summer.

I don't know who this is for, but these words, this Blog, is not about me, it's about that person that has questioned God about purpose, questioned God about survival...God is using me to speak to you. God has already spoken to me about me. He has gifted me with a few amazing visions/dreams that were personal to me and my life. These words in this blog are not to comfort me or to reassure me - but to comfort and reassure you.

God uses cancer, he uses death, he uses births, he uses accidents, he uses pain, he uses joy he uses it all to speak to us. He will take the absolute darkest moment and shine light in it - you might not see it - because that light may be for someone else. So now when I am in my dark places, I pray "God help me use this to help others, help me do your Will". We are not meant to suffer (long) - because we will suffer. Jesus told his disciples that they would suffer because they believed in him. If you ever want a wake-up call at the cost of being a Christian - read how they all perished. Yet each of them followed and spread the message of Jesus anyway. So we will suffer here on earth, because we are a fallen earth. We just aren't meant to suffer long or alone. God is always with us. He sees are suffering. So if you are suffering ask "God how can I use this to do your will" - he will answer.

Cancer is not fun. It is painful. It is disgusting. It is relentless. But right now I am celebrating this little gift called "remission" and "anniversary" with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I will thank him on my birthday. I will thank him on my trip with my daughter. I will thank him when I am bent over in pain. I will thank him when my nerves in my feet and hand still burn. I will thank him when my mind goes blank and I can't remember where I am or what I am doing. I will thank him when someone's words wounds my heart. I WILL THANK HIM - BECAUSE I CAN. I STILL CAN WRITE THIS. I STILL CAN SAY THIS. LIFE IS A GIFT - WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOURS?

Many blessings to you all,

April