this blog
Falling…Free Falling
From Grace
It’s been a while since I have felt like writing about
anything. Don’t get me wrong, my mind races and gets lost in a fantasy world
every day. It’s been easier to escape to a false reality and avoid my actual
existence. You see in my fantasy world, I am whole, I am complete, and I am
happy, more importantly I am not afraid, not scared, not hurting and not
grieving in my fantasy world.
The problem obviously is that not only have I avoided my own
reality; I have avoided God. I have prayed very little, I have sought him very
little, I have been silently avoiding my confrontation with my savior. I have
been falling from his Grace, a little each day.
Okay – now you all know the truth of my emotional state, but
maybe I need to give some clarity on how I got here…you know at the bottom of a
valley that I don’t want to be in.
Back in November, the day before Thanksgiving actually, I
was told my cancer had come back, and even though it had come back small and in
the same place, in my mind I knew…what my friends and family are having a hard
time accepting, and that is that recurrences, no matter how small, are an
indication that your body isn’t fighting like it should. Basically, my days on
this earth are very numbered.
I had to couple that disappointment with the sudden loss of
my dad. There are no words to explain what it is like to lose the one person on
this planet that has raised me, taught me, scolded me, disciplined me, called
me out on my crap, yet always loved me. The loss was devastating. I was making
plans to begin chemotherapy at the same time as I was writing my Eulogy to him.
Unfortunately, I had a very awkward encounter with my dad as he passed, a
vision or a feeling, either way, it wasn’t nice and peaceful, and it scared me.
There are gifts that we all have been equipped with from our
creator. Some of us will know them, use them for the Glory of God and some of
us may waist them, or never realize them. I have an innate sense of “feeling” -
basically I can pretty much read anyone, anytime and that hasn’t always been a
blessing. Then with the Cancer Diagnosis back in 2018, I also began being able
to “see” things in dreams – basically a way to communicate with Jesus (it’s what
I believe).
Well with all of the loss
and personal set-back – I turned it all off! I was disappointed in God. How do
you live being disappointed with God? I had cancer again (even after I truly
believed that I was healed – or did I) and a feeling of not only my Dad
passing, but that maybe he didn’t go to heaven. My soul was lost, my mind was
done! I shut it all down. Don’t get me wrong, I still went to church when I
could, I still looked the part, but inside – I was done.
So back to my losing myself to a perfect fantasy world -
well it’s not really hard to tune everyone out and go to a “good” place in your
head. I mean Lucifer, fell from God’s Grace – so maybe I too had fallen too far
for him to care/reach or try to talk to. After all, I was mad, I was hurt, and
I felt utterly alone. If tears were dollars, Lord knows I’d be rich from these
past two months.
But here is what Jesus did, while I was wallowing in
self-pity, doubt, anger and hurt…
1. Friends kept popping in to say hi, to pray with me, to
bring me food, to let me know I wasn’t alone. And on my darkest days, randomly one
or two of them would just send me a scripture or a song or a word of
encouragement…now I’ll be honest, I accepted it with a smile and thanked them –
but still was unmoved in my heart. I mean I have written myself off to death…so!
2. In my fantasy world in my head, I’d be doing amazing
things and then suddenly I’d be preaching the word…telling Jesus’ story, defending
my faith. I’d wake straight up and try to shake the words, the images and
eventually I’d go back to my “sinful fantasy”. Sometimes visions of crosses
would just appear in my dreams.
3. My cancer marker has come down, not a lot and not enough to
really mean that the cancer has gone, but enough to begin to allow the crumb,
the seed of hope to enter into my head. I have a scan tomorrow that will
determine the progress of this treatment…but I do have a small glimpse of hope
to hold on. TRUTH – I haven’t prayed about it. Any of it! I am just accepting
that whatever is – is! If I pray tonight, I will feel like a fraud – you know
praying at the 11th hour for a hail Mary miracle. Jesus is capable of
anything – but I have to admit that me treating him like my last resort isn’t right.
Yet, here is how I know he hasn’t left my side – even when I left his!
Yet, here is how I know he hasn’t left my side – even when I left his!
a. Versus and Songs still make me cry in worship to him;
b. Two nights ago, I was in my fantasy world – avoiding my
pain (by the way I am in physical pain a lot – I mean A LOT – this treatment
has been VERY HARD) – and literally out of nowhere – the face of Jesus came
into my mind and he said “Are you done torturing yourself!” One of my dear friends, Kelly
Scott, once told me that if you envision the Lord – you know it’s the Lord if his
words and actions don’t contradict his word “the gospel”. Well friends – this vision,
those words don’t contradict him. Honestly, we allow torture and hurt into our
lives everyday – he doesn’t! It was a wake-up call – but I have still been battling
all week. I am working on it.
c. He came back into my mind (and I wasn’t in a fantasy
world – just working) and I was just trying to pray but couldn’t get there. He
said for me to go to my place (my secret worship place in my mind where I feel
close to him is a green field of beautiful purple flowers – and I haven’t been
there in months). I suddenly saw the field, and the beautiful flowers. I didn’t
see him. I didn’t hear him. (he knows I am back at the baby step place). I saw
my feet in the garden of flowers. Then I saw a snake (I have seen too many of
them recently) and for the first time ever – EVER!!! I stepped on the head of
the snake – and it went away. Jesus is reminding me of my power – through him.
So, the title of this Free Falling from Grace. It conjures
up the image of the fallen angels falling from heaven. But for me it’s a
question, a thought, can we fall from God’s Grace. YES, we can – but if we do,
it’s a choice, it’s never his will or his letting us go. It’s us walking away
and shutting him off. All along these few months of hell, I have often said out
loud, Jesus don’t let me get too far away. I may not have prayed “Lord heal me,
Lord fix me, Lord be with me, Lord why am I suffering, Lord make it stop, Lord
I can’t…” but with me saying “Lord don’t let me fall too far that I can’t see
you, can’t get back to you” – he said OKAY – I am here always here, when you
are done wallowing in the disappointment of human, fleshly wants and desires, I
am here to show you the way.
So this first post back – I admit I am a sinner, I have
turned my back on the very faith I count on – but it’s okay, because he knows,
knew I was going to have to go through this to look back up and say,
Heavily Father, it is well with my soul, no matter what, it
is well. I am here to glorify you, and only you, and however you want that
done, it will be done. I am not angry, I am not scared, I am whole and perfect
in this “real” world because I am made in your image. I am loved, because I am
yours.
April
Some articles on Grace:
Facts about Cancer Recurrence:
"I am always with You"....You are so blessed. Peace be with you! Your little light is shining bright!
ReplyDeleteWe don't know how strong we are until we fall into the arms of the Lord. We also don't know how weak we are until we fall into the arms of the Lord. WE have to fully rely on Him and what He can do for us. Not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. Yes, we chose to walk away from Him and I have chosen so many times to walk away from Him but I am so thankful that when I walk away He takes me back and that's nothing short of Him showing me He loves me unconditionally...and you...as well.
ReplyDelete