The Dark Side of being a Survivor

I have written about my cancer journey, from the diagnosis to the surgery and through the chemotherapy. I am now writing as a cancer survivor and what it feels and looks like. These are my current truths.

1. I am in remission. Remission is just a moment in time where God allows me to live without the pain and agony of cancer and cancer treatments. I pray that my remission is so long that I see my grandchildren graduate from high school (and I don't even have any yet) - lol! The longer I go in remission the less I feel anxiety over the constant blood work and scans. At some point and time I just have to "let go and let God"!

2. My new normal. I know you've seen the commercials about people living their new normal. My new normal is living daily with the knowledge that I have no control over what is going on inside my body, but I do have control over what I do with my body, what I put inside my body and what I do with the outside of my body. This is a bit of a struggle. I struggle with the "I know what I need to do" and the "doing what I need to do". I feel this is a struggle that we all go through though, so it's not just a "cancer survivor" thing.

3. Constant guilt. I always feel a bit of guilt when someone around me passes away from random daily things and I am still standing. I feel like screaming - "no not them...I am the one sick - take me". When I go to get my port cleaned and have my blood work taken, I feel a mixture of blessing and guilt. I look into the eyes of those hooked up to the chemo lines with compassion and feel guilty that I am healthy enough not to need it. It's hard. I do sometimes feel ashamed at myself for just living my life in a mundane and useless way. Like God didn't save me for me to just sleep, eat and work. He couldn't have done that, right?

4. My faith struggles. I am so ashamed at how far I have fallen from my God since the second scans. I have withdrawn and I don't know why. I still believe, I still pray...I just don't feel! It is something I am working on. I am trying to figure out why being blessed and healed has sent me spiraling into a deep and dark depression. It's the ugly of survivorship. No one prepares you for this. See, while I was struggling week-to-week with the treatments, I was working towards a goal. Now I am here, cleared and knowing I am meant for more, there is a calling that I am ignoring, not hearing. I know my needs for Jesus are no longer urgent, but they are. I still need him the same way I needed him when I felt like I was dying.

5. My emotions and heart. It's not that I don't love others, I do. I really do. I love people more than I let on. It's just that I am guarded. I am not guarded of fear that they will hurt me (that was me the last 40 years), I am guarded because I live with no promises of any tomorrows and I know that I may hurt them. I am scared to be accepted as a broken person, and I know this is wrong, because we are all broken.

Cancer has changed me. There are still times I feel the old me, but I see everything as urgent, as if we don't have tomorrow to change them, fix them. I used to be a bit more optimistic, but all of a sudden all I see is how broken and fallen this world is. I still see the glimmer of Glory that God called us to be and I pray that we can get back to that Glory.

I guess all I am saying is that I still need Jesus's love and compassion and promise now, more than I did when I was dying. I need to know that he didn't mess up by saving me. I need to pray for help seeing his calling, hearing his calling and doing his will. I can fail at everything else in my life, except in my relationship with him.

I feel that this blog is a bit of a rant and I do apologize, it's just where I am today. I am in a funk. I am in a place of utter disappointment in failing to feel that my saving was worth it. In a world where innocent people are slaughtered everyday, I just want to feel that I am worth this second-chance. I need to get off my rear end and make this moment count.


"Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge" (Psalm 62:8).

"Those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction" (Job 36:15).

For mental health help for survivors:

Mayo Clinic: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/cancer/in-depth/cancer-survivor/art-20047129

Cancer.net: https://www.cancer.net/survivorship/life-after-cancer/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-and-cancer