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The All Clear




This was the hug I got after getting the "all clear"!

Battling cancer was not easy or fun. It was all consuming. I spent countless hours looking up symptoms, side-effects, thinking of my death, thinking of my life, praying and crying. I knew that the end-goal of chemotherapy was to be "NED" - no evidence of disease, but what is NED?

NED is when scans and blood work don't pick-up any cancer activity in the body. But this isn't a CURE - because what I learned is that we all have a free-ranging radical here and there and there will never be a CURE for me. My hope, my prayer is that I remain NED and have a good long quality of life. 

I got the call in February, 2019 that my scans came back good, that my blood work was good. I again got these same results in May, 2019. And I can tell you that it feels like the best news ever - and it is...but let me tell you how I really feel about this process.

IT SUCKS - I am living my life 3 months at a time. Close to the end of each 3 month period starts a new round of blood work and scans...and being NED means, at any time one of those could come back POSITIVE for signs of cancer growth. The faith I have in the Lord also feels like it's on a 3 month cycle...draw close near testing...pull back after results. And it's only now...like today now...that I am saying enough!

I don't want to live 3 month cycles. I don't want the great highs and great lows (or great anxiety times). I want to just live and breathe and live each day as if it's a blessing from our Lord...because in reality this is the TRUTH for us all.  None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, yet we all assume we have an infinite number of days and hours. Having cancer does put this more in perspective - but only by putting me in a more narrow mind-set. 

What if we lived each day like it were our last...what would you do with it? What would I do with it? Would I waste it on fear, sadness, regret, and loss? Or would I use that time to embrace life, love and happiness? I hope it would be the latter. I watched both my parents pass-away (too early) and each of their deaths taught me about "how to die". My mother in a nut-shell killed herself (alcoholism) - and she chose not to fight for life and to be selfish and think only of herself, her pain and her suffering. Don't get me wrong I will always love and cherish the woman that was my mother, but that doesn't mean what she did didn't hurt me and leave me with many questions. Her funeral was chaos and HATE- not anything close to a celebration or loving memorial. If you had of known the woman before the woman she turned into with alcohol, well...that woman would have had love and joy at her funeral. 

My father on the other hand had a disease that slowly killed him. He fought every which way he could to be here just one more day, one more minute...he loved everyone and told everyone he loved them before he passed away. His last words to me were words of love and forgiveness - words that set me free from years of guilt over our difficult relationship. His funeral was a party, a homecoming, a celebration with singing and music and everything about life he loved. There were tears, of missing him, but there was love and joy and thankfulness that he no longer struggled to get air into his lungs. It was PEACEFUL. My Uncle Joe told me the day we buried him that about a month prior to his passing he had given his life to the Lord and was a Christian. I don't think my father was ever a non-believer, he was just one of those that was open to all thoughts and knowledge of religions...I am forever thankful that Jesus reached out to him prior to his death.

So all of this brings me to why I had the realization TODAY to live fully in the grace of GOD everyday...ADAM.  That's right Adam. I heard a sermon today that will forever change my thinking of our Lord. When Adam and Eve fell in the Garden of Eden...they HID from God...God didn't hide from them....and GOD came looking for them. OUR GOD SEEKS US!!!! He wants a relationship with us. It wasn't Adam desperately trying to find God after he messed up, it was God that came after him and said "I see what you've done and I LOVE YOU ANYWAY"!  

See now I know I can look straight into death and have no worries. For when that time comes, I know I am ready. I am ready to be called home where I belong. I wish to see my child get married, I wish to see my grandchildren...and if my Lord allows that to happen so be it...if not here is a small list of things he has already blessed me with:

1. An amazing daughter that loves me so much she ran off the softball field and about knocked me over to embrace me and cry happy tears with me when I reached NED.

2. A stepfather, Tommy, that even though our relationship has been up/down - he has been the role-model that has shaped my moral compass and without his influence (strict), I may have fallen so far that I was unable to stand back up. And my father, Steve, for passing on his quirks...I love Jeopardy, I love my alone time, I love my garden time, I love the quietness of fidgeting or reading something, I love life, I love Ketchup!

3. My mother - I always knew growing up that I was the center of her life (even thought it should have been Jesus) - just saying I know I was loved.

4. All my friends - all of them!!! But for the longest relationship in my life to be with BFF (lol) Heather - for us to have survived puberty, teenager years, the boys, adulthood, marriage, children, geographical distances, different times in life coming into being saved and now menopause/pre-menopause...well I can think of no other I'd have shared all of that with.

5. My knowledge - God gave the brain I have knowing I was always going to want to fill it with facts and wonder. It's a gift that I enjoy using every day. 

6. My strength - I could look back on my childhood and say "why me" - but instead God was just shaping me to have the strength I was going to need to endure 5 years of hell...buried 2 parents, got divorced, my only child went AWAY to college, lost friends, made friends, lost my morals, found my morals, lost my religions, found JESUS and BATTLED AND SURVIVED CANCER! He knew what he was doing. 

So God, I am not hiding anymore...and I am seeking you - please don't ever stop seeking me!

April

For more on NED:

CHEMOTHERAPY - THE TRUTH

My vessels saw me through every inch of this battle! I am changed forever by their friendship and love!

On September 17, 2018 I received my final diagnosis. I was Stage IV-B (the absolute worse diagnosis). I was informed I would need months of Chemotherapy, but that they (my amazing medical team) were confident that I could reach remission (no longer curable - although my medical team is spiritual and they still use the "Cure" word).

I remember going in for my "Chemo-Counseling" and looking at all the forms I had to sign and touring the facility that would be my second home for the next few months.  I am sitting here four-months removed from my last session and I finally have it in me to tell you all the truth about chemotherapy.

1. THE DRUGS: My chemotherapy was two different types of poison (Paclitaxel and Carboplatin "Carbo Taxol"). Before chemo (the first 2 sessions) I would take 10 (that's right TEN) doses of Steroids. The Steroids were taken so that my body would have less of an allergic reaction to the poison being administered. I would be in the chemo-room (chair) from about 7:45 a.m. until about 4:00 p.m. and the day went like this:

a. Check in, get weighed (your weight determines the amount of poison you can get), get settled into your chair and have blood taken. Blood is taken to determine if you can get chemo (your liver needs to be actively working, your kidneys need to be functioning and your White Blood Count and Platelets needs to be in range to receive the poison. Your Red Blood Count needs to be normal too, but you will still get Chemotherapy even if you are severely anemic (I received 2 blood transfusions throughout the treatments). This takes about one - two hours.

b. Once labs come back and you are cleared to receive Chemotherapy - you start with your pre-meds (the medications that they hope will make the process less painful). I received IV or Oral Benedryl (again trying to prevent me from having an adverse reaction, another round of steroids, a couple of doses of anti-nausea meds and an ativan for good measure - lol). This takes up about one - two hours - and now my favorite part LUNCH (my chemo angels would always go get me lunch). In my six sessions, I tended to have salads from Wendy's, Panera, Subway and Zoes.

c. The first time I actually received the chemo drugs, I cried. I had just been prayed over by one of the Chaplains and my vision of Jesus leading me through the fire was enough to give the the strength needed to voluntarily allow someone to administer poison into my veins. The nurses who are with me all day checking vitals and talking to me, are now dressed in bio-hazard robes, masks and gloves - they can't even touch the bag holding the drug (just in case) - yet this liquid will now be in my body. One of my poisons took 1.5 hours to be administered and the other took 3 hours to be administered.

2. THE SIDE EFFECTS - one of the forms I had to sign during my chemo-counseling was an awareness and acceptance of the "possible" side effects of receiving poison. Each one of my chemotherapy drugs came with it's own set of "possible" side effects. I will forever be indebted to my chemo-nurse, Marie. She highlighted the ones that were "MOST LIKELY" to occur. Out of the over twenty possibilities here is what I had:

a. HAIR LOSS - by the third week after my first does, what was left of my hair began to just fall out. I had a party right before chemo started with my closest friends and together we cut my hair off, so that I had some control over the things happening to me. I HIGHLY SUGGEST THAT EVERY WOMAN DO THIS. If I had not cut my hair and had witnessed large clumps falling out - it would have been more devastating. I can honestly say that cancer humbled me, but chemo made me embrace the fact that being a woman is more than our hair and beauty. I wore wigs from October 2018 - first week of February 2019. If you get a wig - make sure you get a cotton wig cap, your scalp will thank you. Embrace this one time where you can literally be any color you want every day of the week. After my last chemo, about a week after, I decided I was done being ashamed of my baldness, and I just went with it - NO REGRETS. It's my battle scar. It's my warrior cry. It's me being exactly who God made me to be.  FOUR MONTHS OUT - AND I HAVE A VERY SHORT PIXIE. It does grow back. Actually, I need to shave my legs for the first time in 7 months.

b. STOMACH - I threw up, I had diarrhea, I was severely constipated. These symptoms begin about day 2 after the chemo. Of the three the worse was the constipation. It was so bad, I didn't want to eat just to not have to struggle. This side effect lasts from day two until about day seventeen (my cycles were every 21 days). You will also be extremely nauseated from day 2 through day 14. It gets better as the days go on - keep taking your nausea meds - they help. I would have a good 4 to 5 days every cycle. All I can suggest is to try the Senecot, keep your team informed and take all their recommendations - TRUST ME NOTHING YOU SAY IS SOMETHING THEY HAVEN'T HEARD.  My bowels have returned to somewhat normalcy. I occasionally still need a little help. I have found that taking a daily Pre-Biotic and Pro-Biotic have helped a lot.

c. SMELLS AND TASTES - I got to the point that the smell and taste of cinnamon made me vomit. Everything tasted like metal. Water smelled like chemicals. I once told my chemo-nurse that the only thing (in my 2 bad weeks) that I could handle was Wendy's Chili and Frosty. She laughed and said that made sense - because all our bodies can make out (remember all of your fast-multiplying cells are dying off) is the extremes HOT/COLD. So keep that in mind. I will say that there is hope. I am 4 months post-chemo and the only thing I still don't like is cinnamon. Oh yea - don't freak out if everything tastes like metal or like fish during your cycles - that is normal and does go away.

d. EARS/EYES - eyes went blurry and there was ringing in my ears. This is a common side-effect as well. My eyes are somewhat back to normal - with glasses (which I needed anyways) and unfortunately the ringing in my ear is permanent - and this is something that is explained to you during your chemo-counseling. I will see an ENT soon to see if there is any way to help with the ringing.

I have saved my most difficult side-effect for last. I feel like everything above these was manageable. I knew I could get through them. These last two - well...

e. BRAIN FOG - you have heard the phrase "Chemo Brain" - this is the state in which your memory gets a bit foggy, you get forgetful. The drugs play a huge part in your short-term memory being disrupted. I can honestly say that anything important that happened between October 2018 and NOW - well I've had to journal it to remember it. This has impacted my job and this has not been fun. I still struggle with my memory and I've been told this could take up to TWO years to get this back.

f. PAIN/NERVE - this was by far my worst side effect. The chemo gets inside your bones and bone marrow, killing off your bone marrow and cells. This causes tingling and numbness in your toes and hands. The bone pain is terrible. It's sporadic, it hurts here then there and you never do get comfortable. This pain (bone pain) lasts about 1 week post-chemo. The nerve tingling never goes away. I can say that the bone pain does get better with each session and it has completely gone away (PRAISE JESUS)...but the nerve pain is permanent. They tell you this is a possibility. You get used to it - but it's definitely a lot to get used to. TAKE YOUR SUPPLEMENTS - all calcium, magnesium, vitamin B and Claritin help with the nerve damage and bone pain.

I am able to write this now - because I crossed an important hurdle - my second clear scan. I know I am not out of the woods and I may one day have to go through this all over again - but the thing is now I know I can. I know I can suffer for a duration because at the end of the suffering is a reprieve and a since of normalcy. SO DON'T GIVE UP, DON'T SURRENDER TO THE SUFFERING - you can get through it. It is only temporary. I PROMISE!

I had a great group of friends that helped me through all of the Chemotherapy - and I'll never forget any of them or be able to thank them enough for their sacrifice and love.

Chemo One:  Mark was my chemo-buddy. He was very inquisitive and comforting.


Chemo Two: My best friend Heather came up with her mom (my second mom  growing up) and we chit-chatted and the time just flew by (it was my fastest session). I felt so much love.


Chemo Three: My friend Beverly came with me. She brought books and crafts. She entertained me like no other. She kept my mind occupied on everything other than chemo. She is the best person I know!


Chemo Four: My daughter was home for the Holidays and she accompanied me. This was hard on her and me - because she hadn't been here for the others. She was inquisitive. I love her very much - and I reminded her that I fight because of her!


Chemo Five - my best friend did this one with me (she is my only repeat).


My final chemo was the funniest and most straight-forward woman I know. I could not have concluded this journey without her. Amiee - thank you!

So you have cancer - and you need chemo - all I can say is buckle in, prepare and plan to have good days and bad days. Surround yourself with those that love you and will battle for you. But most of all - PRAY. When you are sad, pray. When you are weak, pray. When you hurt, pray. God will always be there.

April

Everyone Needs a Ruth

Me and my Ruth 1989 (age 14)

Have you read the Book of Ruth? It's a story of Loss/Love and Redemption. Ruth refuses to leave her mother-in-law after they have lost everything. She travels with her to a land not of her own, works to support her and her mother-in-law and falls in love with Boaz. Through her marriage with Boaz we get King David and eventually Jesus Christ.  There's a verse in the Book of Ruth that just crushes me with it's power...

Ruth 1:16 Ruth replied "don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God."

Have you ever had someone drop everything. leave everything to show you love and comfort, to be there in your darkest hour...well I have!

The complications with my surgery required me staying in the hospital longer than anticipated. Prior to the surgery, I had arranged for my best friend, Heather, to stay with me a couple of days. Well once things went bad, she dropped everything and came. She stayed with me for a week. Now, this wasn't a small gesture because she is a very busy woman. She has a family with kids, she is vital to many different ministries and functions with her Church and she rearranged everything to be there for me. I remember half way through her being there I asked myself, "would I have done the same"?

Many of us have great thoughts of what we would do if...but when the time comes, we find reasons why we can't do those things. In the Bible, Ruth had many reasons not to follow Naomi, but she did it anyway. Heather had many other commitments on her plate, but dropped them all in my hour of need.

During her stay we talked a lot about faith, we prayed, we laughed and she showed me love and friendship in a way that only cancer allowed me to see. From that week, my heart really started to melt and I started to really feel humbled before God and before my friends. I saw that I had not always been a good friend or family member.  It saddened me to know that I could have been so much more in my life, but I had let pride, stubbornness and pettiness close my heart and make me bitter. Before cancer, I could never have seen myself being a Ruth for anyone. Even my daughter can attest to how many times I'd say I was coming to visit her on campus, but then find a reason not to. I always let the world and life prevent me from truly living, truly loving and truly giving myself to others.

The sad part of all of this is that isn't that what Jesus has done for us? Didn't he give up everything to show us love? He loves all the time. He loves us in spite of us!

My biggest take away from that first week home with Heather was that I could see the us that we were at age 11, at age 16, at age 20+ and as the middle aged women (lol) that we have grown into. It was comforting to know that in all of those ages God loved us, nurtured us and prepared us for that moment in time...that moment that one of us would need the other to drop all and run to the other. I know now that if she, or any of my friends and family, ever needed me, I would drop all and run to them.

Have a blessed week!

April

If you or anyone you know is going to be having a Hysterectomy (for any reason) - I highly recommend this site. It is a wealth of knowledge and support.

https://www.hystersisters.com/


The Redemptive Power of the Blood of Christ


I remember waking up from Surgery. My eyes blinked a few times, I saw a nurse and my doctor far off in the distance. I closed my eyes again. The nurse spoke, but I didn't really hear her words. I closed my eyes again. My doctor was now over me talking. You know in the movies when people are half awake, blinking their eyes and someone is telling them something important, some life lesson they need to know, and they only half hear it...that was me. I remember him saying I had to cut you (not part of the plan), there was a lot more than we thought, I think you might be Stage III. I am sure he said a lot more...but I didn't hear him.

I think they let me sleep a few more minutes, then they were really trying to wake me up, but telling me not to move too much. The recovery nurse informed me my family was still waiting to see me and that she was going to go tell them what room I was being moved to. I was in and out of sleep and awake states. I felt them moving my bed and I woke up to see my Aunt Aleta, Uncle John, and Pop (Ronnie) as we were all getting on the elevator together (at least I think we all got on). My Aunt will tell people that I began saying things that made no sense and that I didn't remember (hello powerful drugs). But honestly I do remember hearing a woman on the hall I was on screaming "help, help they are killing me" (turns out that was actually being said - I'd find that out the next night). And I do remember trying to crack a joke about being on the "death ward". I was trying to lighten the mood, I knew that they knew things had not gone as planned. I was scared, but trying hard not to let that show.

They stayed a couple of hours with me...and then I was alone. Those drugs were great, I got sleep, I had a pump that allowed me to hit a button to get a shot to go back to sleep, and I did this on and off from 10:00 p.m. until about 5:00 a.m. (when every nurse, every tech, etc.) comes in to the room to check this, take blood, review things. And it was at this time that I realized for the first time, I really wasn't in any pain. I actually asked to get up and walk around the hall. That wasn't easy. It's not that it was super painful (the incision and stuff) - it's that they cut your muscle in your stomach (long ways), so to sit up and to get up are very hard to do. The nurse after the walk asked me what my pain scale was, and I knew I shouldn't say 0 - lol (I just had major surgery), but compared to how I was before surgery, it felt like 0. I think I told her 2. She thought I was still drugged up, but I had stopped hitting that button around 3:00 a.m. I was on a mission to pee, poop and leave the hospital.

Between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. all the nurses are busy looking and reading from last nights reports and transitioning shifts, so I was alone in my thoughts. I started to think about what the Doctor had said about Stage 3, the fact that my cancer, which had only been seen to be in my uterine wall, had advanced and had spread to the following organs: Ovaries, Fallopian Tubes, Cervix, Vaginal Cuff, had gone outside the womb and had wrapped itself around my Colon and Rectum. But I wasn't in pain anymore and I actually felt better, not worse. I started to think about my Aunt Mary who had died at age 43 from Colon Cancer. I started to think about my own death.

Around 8:00 a.m. this thin, meek woman walked in and introduced herself as Chaplain Marie. She asked how I was feeling and asked if she could pray with me. I started to talk to her about my thoughts of praying (which if you read this blog you know at this point I was not receptive to praying for myself), when my boss walked in. She excused herself and told me she'd check back in on me.  My boss sat with me and told me about the surgery, what the doctor had told them and his thoughts of my survival. He told me that my family members contacted my daughter and told them bad/wrong Prognosis, and that he went out into the parking lot and called Brittany and told her exactly what the doctor did, what he found and that the Doctor was still optimistic. I am very thankful to him for that.

After he left, Marie came back in. I had finally found the strength to confess to her why I was so weak at prayer, how I felt unworthy, but that I welcomed her praying for me. She said that she would pray with me, and that at any time I felt comfortable to pray out loud for my own self, to do so. She grabbed my hands and started praying. Her hands were so warm, her voice so sweet, her demeanor so loving. I don't remember what she was saying, I just remember this vision, this feeling I was having:

          - as she was praying, my mind went quiet, I was intently listening to her words, feeling the love and warmth of her presence. AND OUT OF NOWHERE - I saw my own self (my body) being washed by blood. I got really warm, felt tingly and felt accepted and loved and I spoke out loud a small prayer for myself. -

I didn't really know what to make of it at that moment, but I knew something was different. I thanked her tremendously, told her she made me feel better, and as she was leaving Pop came in and spent a good 6 hours with me, just so I wouldn't be alone.

I spent the next day and a half in the hospital. The calming presence that came over me, was enough to motivate me to get up, walk, get out of the bed and to do what I could to get well and go home. I am not going to lie and say that I was not worried about my prognosis or if I would die, I just didn't dwell on it (then).

I later would discuss what happened with a good friend that is close to God and has a lot of biblical knowledge. And that person reminded me that what I had seen was Jesus forgiving me of my sins. I tried to rebuke this (after all do any of us ever feel worthy of his love and sacrifice?) and I stated that my understanding of salvation was that the sinner had to ask for it, repent, and accept Jesus into their life/heart. The person pointed out to me, that I had been teetering for a month about my lack of worthiness and that God had heard all the conversations I had had with people during that time, and that during that time, I had never renounced him, denied him or stated my unbelief, I had only stated my unworthiness. The person stated that when the Chaplain walked into the room and asked if she could pray with me, I SAID YES AND THAT ALL GOD WAS WAITING FOR, WAS MY YES. God already knew my need, knew my heart, he just wanted my YES. The power of that blood-bath was the most powerful thing I have ever experienced in my life.

Ephesians 1:7 In him we have redemption through the blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with riches of God's grace.

Hebrews 9:14 How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!

I AM FOREVER CHANGED

God bless you all and thank you for reading.

If a you or a loved one are receiving treatment for Cancer through Bon Secours and are in need of chaplain services, here is the contacts:

Hampton Roads
https://bonsecours.com/hampton-roads/patients-and-visitors/spiritual-care

Richmond
https://bonsecours.com/richmond/community-commitment/mission-services/spiritual-care-services