this blog
This was the hug I got after getting the "all clear"!
Battling cancer was not easy or fun. It was all consuming. I spent countless hours looking up symptoms, side-effects, thinking of my death, thinking of my life, praying and crying. I knew that the end-goal of chemotherapy was to be "NED" - no evidence of disease, but what is NED?
NED is when scans and blood work don't pick-up any cancer activity in the body. But this isn't a CURE - because what I learned is that we all have a free-ranging radical here and there and there will never be a CURE for me. My hope, my prayer is that I remain NED and have a good long quality of life.
I got the call in February, 2019 that my scans came back good, that my blood work was good. I again got these same results in May, 2019. And I can tell you that it feels like the best news ever - and it is...but let me tell you how I really feel about this process.
IT SUCKS - I am living my life 3 months at a time. Close to the end of each 3 month period starts a new round of blood work and scans...and being NED means, at any time one of those could come back POSITIVE for signs of cancer growth. The faith I have in the Lord also feels like it's on a 3 month cycle...draw close near testing...pull back after results. And it's only now...like today now...that I am saying enough!
I don't want to live 3 month cycles. I don't want the great highs and great lows (or great anxiety times). I want to just live and breathe and live each day as if it's a blessing from our Lord...because in reality this is the TRUTH for us all. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, yet we all assume we have an infinite number of days and hours. Having cancer does put this more in perspective - but only by putting me in a more narrow mind-set.
What if we lived each day like it were our last...what would you do with it? What would I do with it? Would I waste it on fear, sadness, regret, and loss? Or would I use that time to embrace life, love and happiness? I hope it would be the latter. I watched both my parents pass-away (too early) and each of their deaths taught me about "how to die". My mother in a nut-shell killed herself (alcoholism) - and she chose not to fight for life and to be selfish and think only of herself, her pain and her suffering. Don't get me wrong I will always love and cherish the woman that was my mother, but that doesn't mean what she did didn't hurt me and leave me with many questions. Her funeral was chaos and HATE- not anything close to a celebration or loving memorial. If you had of known the woman before the woman she turned into with alcohol, well...that woman would have had love and joy at her funeral.
My father on the other hand had a disease that slowly killed him. He fought every which way he could to be here just one more day, one more minute...he loved everyone and told everyone he loved them before he passed away. His last words to me were words of love and forgiveness - words that set me free from years of guilt over our difficult relationship. His funeral was a party, a homecoming, a celebration with singing and music and everything about life he loved. There were tears, of missing him, but there was love and joy and thankfulness that he no longer struggled to get air into his lungs. It was PEACEFUL. My Uncle Joe told me the day we buried him that about a month prior to his passing he had given his life to the Lord and was a Christian. I don't think my father was ever a non-believer, he was just one of those that was open to all thoughts and knowledge of religions...I am forever thankful that Jesus reached out to him prior to his death.
So all of this brings me to why I had the realization TODAY to live fully in the grace of GOD everyday...ADAM. That's right Adam. I heard a sermon today that will forever change my thinking of our Lord. When Adam and Eve fell in the Garden of Eden...they HID from God...God didn't hide from them....and GOD came looking for them. OUR GOD SEEKS US!!!! He wants a relationship with us. It wasn't Adam desperately trying to find God after he messed up, it was God that came after him and said "I see what you've done and I LOVE YOU ANYWAY"!
See now I know I can look straight into death and have no worries. For when that time comes, I know I am ready. I am ready to be called home where I belong. I wish to see my child get married, I wish to see my grandchildren...and if my Lord allows that to happen so be it...if not here is a small list of things he has already blessed me with:
1. An amazing daughter that loves me so much she ran off the softball field and about knocked me over to embrace me and cry happy tears with me when I reached NED.
2. A stepfather, Tommy, that even though our relationship has been up/down - he has been the role-model that has shaped my moral compass and without his influence (strict), I may have fallen so far that I was unable to stand back up. And my father, Steve, for passing on his quirks...I love Jeopardy, I love my alone time, I love my garden time, I love the quietness of fidgeting or reading something, I love life, I love Ketchup!
3. My mother - I always knew growing up that I was the center of her life (even thought it should have been Jesus) - just saying I know I was loved.
4. All my friends - all of them!!! But for the longest relationship in my life to be with BFF (lol) Heather - for us to have survived puberty, teenager years, the boys, adulthood, marriage, children, geographical distances, different times in life coming into being saved and now menopause/pre-menopause...well I can think of no other I'd have shared all of that with.
5. My knowledge - God gave the brain I have knowing I was always going to want to fill it with facts and wonder. It's a gift that I enjoy using every day.
6. My strength - I could look back on my childhood and say "why me" - but instead God was just shaping me to have the strength I was going to need to endure 5 years of hell...buried 2 parents, got divorced, my only child went AWAY to college, lost friends, made friends, lost my morals, found my morals, lost my religions, found JESUS and BATTLED AND SURVIVED CANCER! He knew what he was doing.
So God, I am not hiding anymore...and I am seeking you - please don't ever stop seeking me!
April
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You're a true and amazing inspiration!
ReplyDeleteThank you so muchi. This is just me being honest.
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