My Evidence of God

 

My Evidence of God

We live in a time where it seems more absurd to believe in God than not to believe. I was recently posed with the question, “How can you believe in something you cannot see?” Well, I can see God. I can see him in countless ways and some of them are material and some of them are more feeling. At the end of your life, with your last conscious breath are you more likely to hope for the next life or accepting that this is it? Ponder that while I share my God, or my evidence of my God.

I do not believe in chance, happenstance, or coincidence. I believe that all things happen as seen by God. I did not say all things are planned by God or willed by God, but all things are known to God. God is never surprised by our happenings. God will use it all for his good and will take our darkest moments and turn them into light. I once met a young woman who was the “blessing” her grandmother had prayed for. Her grandmother had prayed daily, nightly for her granddaughter to break her drug addiction and to turn her heart and life to God. Her grandmother died before seeing her granddaughter break her drug addiction, turn her life to the Lord, and become an “Elder” of her church. These were answered prayers – just they happened on God’s time not her grandmother’s time. God will use any situation to reach your soul and to change your life.

If you are a reader of mine, then you know my struggles with cancer, my broken relationships with my parents, my struggles with depression and body image and my tendency to seek isolation over companionship. God knows all these things about me. He knows my struggles and I trust him to deliver me from these – either here on earth or in heaven. Right now, I am preparing for a scan tomorrow to look at a growth in my body that has been prone for cancer. If the doctor is correct, this will be my 2^nd recurrence – my third time around battling cancer. I should be a lot less calm than I am, but I had my freak out moment last week, and it lasted about a day and then I just let it all go. This “possible” cancer is not a surprise of my God and I have faith that my God will use it for his glory and that I will be healed of it – either here on earth or in heaven and I accept that. Having that faith, that acceptance, that inner calm and peace – HAS NOT COME FROM ME. Trust me, if I were in control – I would still be in freak out mode. This assurance that God’s got this – well it has set me free.

So how do I prove to others that God exists? Well, there are countless documentaries (from either side of this debate) that explain creation and/or evolution. There are debates about the authorship, events, and history of the bible, and every now and then someone finds an artifact that dates to someone mentioned in the bible. There is not a historian alive that does not believe that Jesus (the man) walked on this earth. The only debate is his divinity. Archaeologically speaking there are artifacts that have been found that mention or are from the time of Solomon (and reference David). Scientist have managed tor trace DNA to one man and one woman. There’s evidence of a giant flood, evidence of civilization originating from a single point. There’s evidence of existence happening from a big bang – but no one can scientifically explain that point of existence. Clearly you can look at all of this from the side of creation or the side of evolution – just know that scientifically, God has not been determined to be non-existence – meaning science cannot prove that God does not exist.

I know God exists because I have been lucky enough to have not one, but four God moments, moments where there is no other logical explanation. But even without those moments, I have the following that help me to believe and know that God is God:

1. Forgiveness: Sounds crazy – but forgiving someone is not easy, letting go of hurt and anger, rebuilding on trust and love is hard. I do not believe that humans are capable of forgiving without the foundation of God and the belief that we are forgiven and must forgive others. Anyone alive during 9/11 remembers the story (unverified) that President George W. Bush used 9/11 as an excuse to attack Iraq and to kill Saddam Hussein – to seek vengeance for Saddam Hussein’s planned (failed) assassination of his father, President George H. W. Bush. Again, this is not a verified story – but it does show how easy it is for us to believe it is true. We humans have a great capacity to hold on to hate and anger and deny forgiveness. Forgiveness is very freeing and honestly has less to do with the person you are forgiving and more to do with you.

2. Love: Yes, we humans are very capable of love. The closest we come to experiencing and expressing love like God is the love of a parent. Even when we love our children, we still are not even close to the definition of love that is expressed in the bible. God’s love for us is selfless, it is without reason, it is never ending, it is complete and does not require us to love back, it is beyond unconditional. God will love us even if we reject him. God loves the souls that perish in Hell. I know many people (that are parents – or are children) that have strained relationships with their parents, because their parent’s unconditional love really meant – they would love the child if the child lived up to all their expectations – and if the child failed more than once to measure up, the parent showed hurt and a feeling of being disappointed – and that of course strained the relationship. You cannot disappoint God – he already knows what you will and will not do. He wrote the story and knows the ending – and loves us anyway. I remember laying in a hospital bed filled with gloom and doom, feeling unable and unworthy to receive any love – and then Jesus showed up in the room and changed my life. He loved me at my weakest and lowest moment. His love made way for redemption. I can remember being 16 and having a moment that was low – very low. I remember coming home (later than I was supposed to) and feeling so broken. Anyone that knew my mom – knows she was in bed by 10pm and was a sound sleeper. She was not prone to wake up in the middle of the night and if she did – she did not “chat”. On this night, something woke her up and she came to my room, and she held me. I cried and she held me. That was God. That was his love for me. He knew my need and made a way.

3. Nature and Animals: If you don’t know the story of the Arc and Noah – well I can say this “read your bible – even if you only read it for the stories”. Something that is often missed or glossed over during the telling of the story is God’s proclamation that all his creation (other than humans) is innocent and worthy to be saved. God flooded the earth (he didn’t burn it down and destroy it completely). He made way for all the flowers, grass, trees, and landscape to come back. He picked the least offensive humans to build a vessel to carry his sacred and innocent animals. He made sure that the animals were in pairs of two so that they could reproduce and repopulate the earth. Look at the description of the Garden of Eden – a beautiful heaven on earth with fruit, vegetation, trees, flowers, and the innocent animals. He slaughters the innocent lamb to cover the sinful humans. Every time you look at an animal and have that “awe moment” – that’s God. When you see a garden that brings you to tears, or when you relish on the beauty that is nature – that’s God. Seriously, you need to look at the perfect beauty that is a flower, a baby deer, a lazy stream, a perfectly formed rock, the simple, yet eloquent beauty of wildflowers and tall grass. God painted us a masterpiece and then created us to keep it up.

4.  Being moved/Emotion: I am going to sum this up with just this…My stepfather was one of the hardest persons to like. He was hard-working, prejudicial, hard-headed, stubborn, and sometimes cold. That said, he could be moved to feel things like love and compassion. I could not move him. My mom could not move him. A presenter on television (prior to him turning 70) could not move him. Earthly things could not get him to budge…but God, well God can move mountains (even man-made ones). My stepfather once took in a homeless man, gave him space (at his place of business), gave him food, and gave him work (so he could earn money) – and he even cried when the old homeless man died. He did this with an abandoned dog he found (he named him after the homeless man). He did this with those suffering (after 70 – those tv commercials of dying children made him soft). Again, this is God. When you, as a human, in your usual day-to-day life don’t feel love and compassion and all of a sudden you feel moved to act, be compassionate, to help – that is GOD.

There are things that exist (scientifically) that you cannot see with your eyes – yet we know they are there: Air (and other gasses) cannot be seen (vapors yes – but that is a mixture of more than gas). Love (and all other feelings). Sooner than later – MONEY. I get paid by direct deposit – that sum of money goes to my bank and then is spent via direct payments. I do not touch it. It is getting to the point that there will not be physical money. Just saying we would all panic if our direct deposits did not show up on pay-day – and yet it is something we don’t physically hold/touch.

No, I cannot provide you with tangible evidence of God’s existence. He is not your scissors on your desk. He is not the coffee cup you are holding. He is so much more. His existence is so grand that it cannot be measured or seen with our eyes. My faith tells me that having faith in God, through my salvation provided by Jesus, means that I believe in the things unseen, that I must have faith when there is no evidence to support it. It’s blind. It’s trust. That said, I have never felt more love than I do right now, and that love comes from God. My bliss, my calm – all comes from God.

This week alone, God has sent me some very important words to help me through. I have heard of other’s suffering with cancer and have provided some comforting words to them. That felt very purposeful and encouraging. I have received prayers from grown men, who know me (only through work) and have stopped and prayed with me or sent a prayer to me. I gave comfort to an older woman that was setting up documents to sell off all she had (so she could just live out and die) – she was feeling a bit of self-pity – and I played the cancer card (I do not usually play it) – showing her that we don’t give up on life. Life is precious – it is meant to be lived until God says stop. We put one foot in front of the other and we move. We stay connected to loved ones. We keep laughing. We keep crying. God created us to experience life, love and to hopefully seek him, believe in him, and to praise and worship him. I will always be grateful to the cancer – the cancer brought me face to face with God. I have felt his love, his grace, his mercy. That is something!

God bless you and may each of you have an amazing week.

 Memories - Thank you God for the Memories!

(Photo: My picture of a sunset in the Grand Canyon)

Have you ever just marveled at your senses? How you have these amazing gifts from God, the gift of sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing, and how these senses help us store information and create memories. If you ask me, I will tell you that I believe the ability to recall a moment in time “a memory” by using our senses is one of those things – that if you thought about it, you would have to admit that there is definitely a Creator to this universe, our bodies and our minds.

As most of you know, I have been battling Cancer for 3 years now. I am beyond blessed to have made it this far on this journey. I continue to have hope, that I will survive even longer. But should the Lord decide that my task here is complete and it is time to come home, well I’ll be okay with that too. I have such great memories of a life that was not all bad.

Although the Cancer has wreaked havoc on some of my senses (all of them actually), I still have memories and occasionally when I have a bleak day, my senses will come back, and the memories will just flood my mind. I often time find myself weeping (tears mostly of joy) at the memories. I wanted to share some with you if that is okay.

SMELL:

Smelling things is divine. There are some fragrances that transport me back to a time and a place. The smell of Vanilla (the spice) reminds me of the Vanilla plant in Richmond, VA. There were certain streets between VCU and the Diamond that smelled of Vanilla when they were producing the Vanilla Extract. Of course, that smell reminds me of College, Cruising the Strip (lol – good times), and growing from a teenager to a young-adult.

Magnolia blossoms must be one of the most heavenly smells. When I smell it, I am reminded of walking between classes at John Tyler Community College and second chances. It transports me to conversations between me and mama (held at her work John Randolph Hospital) and my days being pregnant with my daughter. My mother’s laundry is another smell that I love. I know the products she used, but even when I use them, my laundry never smells like hers. Those are sweet special memories.

There is this one smell thought that reminds me of a night that my memories are very blurred. The smell of fire. If you have ever experienced a burnt down building, than you will know this smell. It is not the same smell as say a fire roasting marshmallow, or a fireplace fire. It is a smell I cannot describe, but yet I know it. I was 4 years old and asleep in my bed. I remember being woken up by my mom and stepdad grabbing me and a blanket and running down the steps and out the door of our apartment. I remember my mom running me over to a neighbor’s home and banging on the door (a building not connected to the one we lived in). I remember that lady and my mom leaving me and her daughter in the house and telling us not to leave or open the door for anyone. They ran out. I remember me and the red-haired girl (I think her name was Amy) watching things unfold from her bedroom window. There below were a bunch of neighbors and my parents trying to get people out of the unit next to ours and the one next to that. I remember sirens and lots of people coming and going and the flames.  Days later you could smell that “fire” smell of burnt belongings and charred debris. That smell is haunting. Except…it isn’t. You see that was the first time in my life I can honestly say, God had me. This happened in 1978 and the apartment community was newly built. It had cut corners by installing “fire-walls” only in every third or fourth unit. Guess what we were one of those units. Our neighbors lost everything, and our unit was untouched. My parents did not know that as things were happening and they would talk about how there was no smoke alarm, that it was a smell that woke them up. It’s definitely a memory.

SOUND:

What can I say people I am a child of the 80s. My entire world is shaped by the sound of music and sounds. I remember my first concert, my first album that I played on my own little record player, the voices of my loved ones, characters from shows and movies. There are so many memories tied to sound. The cancer has taken away hearing in my left ear and left in it’s place a constant humming. Sometimes that noise clears a bit and I bask in the glory that is solid two-eared hearing. My absolute favorite memory involving sound, was this cute one with my daughter. She was about 2 or 3 years old, and she was secure in her car seat, and we were driving. I remember this song came on the radio, Dixie Chicks “Goodbye Earl” and I could hear her in the backseat singing along to the song. I remember looking in the rearview mirror and seeing her belting out the song…and then she saw me!  LOL – she glared at me and stopped singing. She was so mad that I had disturbed her little concert for one.

One of the saddest memories I have is also tied to sound. I remember the sound my father made as he was passing away, how his breathing slowed and stopped. It was hard to let him go, and it was even harder seeing him struggle to breathe. That rattle sound dying people make (death rattle) is a hard thing to experience. I can honestly say that he did not want to die and fought for that last breathe. But, even in that moment of grief and struggle, God was there. My father and I did not have a close relationship and there were so many things we did not get to say to one another. On that deathbed, I did not know if he wanted me there, or if he had ever loved me. Those were words that he had never spoken to me. He had written them in birthday cards, and hugged me occasionally, but he never said how he felt about me. In my mind on his deathbed, all I knew was that I had disappointed him in so many ways. I just knew I would never have peace about that relationship…and then he had this last moment of semi-clarity. He woke up, struggled with his catheter, and looked at me. He hugged me. I hugged him. I told him I was there, and it was okay to let go and to not struggle anymore. I told him I loved him. He leaned into me and said, “You aren’t bad” and then something about his brother, Joe. Now, that may not sound like “I Love You” – but before he woke up, I was holding his hand confessing all my “badness” as a daughter. To me, it meant he heard me, and that was him saying “I love you”. It was perfect closure. After he died, I found all these keepsakes in his nightstand, including a program from the day I graduated high school. He could only have had that if he attended. I never knew he was there. It still breaks my heart a bit to know that we could have been so much closer, if only we had tried more.

 

SIGHT:

You know that question that you have heard time and time again, “would you rather lose your sight or lose your hearing”. Hands down I want to keep my sight. There’s so much beauty on this earth. The waters, mountains, architecture, animals, etc. So much to see. God gave us so much beauty. I am not sure I can say for sure what my favorite thing is to see. There is too much to choose from.

Up until I was a senior in high school, my family sold Christmas Trees at my stepdad’s place of business every December. It was a family endeavor. My stepdad and Pawpaw would be outside selling trees, loading, and securing trees to vehicles. They would come inside and hand the tag over to my Mamaw. She would take the tag and money and give them back a receipt and a calendar. My stepdad had calendars printed every year and he handed them out at Christmas. Well, those that know – know that he had 2 types printed. One that was family oriented (nature or animals) and one girly one. It was the cutest thing – because my Mamaw would hand out the girly one to certain men and blush…oh my goodness she would blush. She would also purse her lips in a “you know better” kind of way. But she found it funny. She really did. Oh, those days. They were filled with family, laughter, and my favorite part -eating pizza in front of a kerosene heater and watching Christmas specials on a black and white tv set. I will never forget those times.

There is this one moment though, that I know God created just for me. It was on one of our last days of vacation. We had traveled, me, my ex-husband and daughter, to Arizona. We squeezed in a quick trip to the Grand Canyon. I wanted a picture of the sun setting in the canyon. I got out of the car in an area marked with “caution of mountain-lion” signs. I did not care about my safety – I wanted that picture. I went out to the clearing, and it was BEAUTIFUL. The canyon becomes this glistening ball of pinks and blue-oranges. It is amazing. I only had a few seconds there, but that image, that awesome creation was just for me. God gave me a peaceful moment with him and his majestic creation. I will never forget that moment and that vision.

 

TASTE:

Are you a friend of mine? If so, then you know I eat and love food. I definitely love tasting good foods like pasta, pickles, strawberry (anything), cheese. I have my favorites. I think my favorite taste is chocolate and peanut butter (hello Reese’s). I remember I went to Hershey Park and in their Reese’s Shop, they had a Reese’s Pie (I mean the size of a Pizza Pie). I almost lost the people I was with right there. I could not move. It was the most heavenly thing I had ever seen (so my mouth said). They sell the Reese’s “Pound” Cup now. Close but not quite a whole pie.

There are things I use to not like to taste: coffee, broccoli, beans – and now they are some of my favorite foods and drinks. So, our taste buds definitely grow and change throughout the years. I cannot say I have any bad memories with taste. But I do know one that was created by God.  My grandmother’s (Evelyn) coconut cream pie. That was one of the best things I have ever tasted. And she knew we loved it. Every time we would go visit, there would be two fresh pies on the counter, one to eat there and one to take. I have looked at that recipe – that was a lot of work. She made those pies out of pure love. She also kept a jar of pickles in the fridge – just for me. To this date, I still make her version of Butter Beans and Corn for Thanksgiving. I have taught it to my daughter, and she will pass that down further. But that pie…I will not make. I think I might cry if I made it. It was her – she was “coconut cream pie” – and it was (she was) heavenly.

 

TOUCH:

An embrace, a kiss, a handshake, a fist-bump – what cannot be said about human connection. Touching satin, lace, tulle, silk for the first time is quite an experience. The feel of flannel pajamas under a thick fleece blanket in the winter – nothing compares. So much of our life is spent in touch. We touch our phones, keyboards, cars, keys, remotes, paper, books, etc. We are constantly feeling things. There are horrible touches (my daughter would say a snake is her nightmare feel/touch), for me it is death. I have always been creeped out by touching dead things. I had the misfortune of being teased by neighborhood boys and a dead mouse as a child – and never shook the image and feel of a cold, bloated, lifeless body. When I think of how much loss my 22-year-old daughter has experienced, I have to say Thank You to God for the fact that I didn’t experience too much death at a young age. There was an odd neighbor, a friend from school and a few animals, but that was it. I lost two of my three grandfathers in the 90’s, but I was an adult. By the time my daughter was 14, she had lost half of her grandparents, and almost all my mother’s side of the family. That said, death did start visiting me in mass numbers by the time I was 30. My mother’s family died at an accelerated rate, one after the other. I remember at my grandmother’s funeral, I realized that they were dying backwards (my mom’s siblings) and that if that were true, she was next. Sure enough she was. Up until my mother’s death, I had given quick touches at bodies in caskets. Come on people are watching and you must – because everyone else is. You go up touch a hand and say a quick goodbye. But it was my mom.

I arrived early for the wake. I wanted to be alone with her. I did not want to fall apart in front of all the people that would be coming. I was not on friendly terms with her spouse, or his family (not by my doing) and I just wanted to be alone with her – just her and me. I’ll be honest with you – it was the only time in my life where my prayer was something crazy “Lord just let her wake up, Lord let me just talk to her one last time” – they were sad, and I was lost. I walked into the room, looked, and read every card and flower that had arrived. I slowly made my way to her. In that moment, God helped me overcome my fear of dead things. I did not see her as a dead body. I saw her as my mom. I leaned in hugged her, kissed her cheek, and told her everything that was in my heart. She was beautiful, even in death. I hid a picture of her holding me in her casket and placed the red rose my father had sent and the yellow rose my stepfather had sent into her casket. Then God entered the room, calmed me down, hugged me and gave me the strength to burry her. I do not think I knew how strong I was until she died.

It was strength I would need again only six months later when I buried my dad and again 4 years later when I was diagnosed with Cancer. I carry them with me everywhere I go. I carry their love, their dreams and hopes for me – everywhere I go.

These memories are pure joy. There are so many good ones, like: beating up boys (thank you Jeremy and Brian), playing in the yard with Kim (BARBIES!!!), watching my oldest sister get married (it meant we were growing up), singing Jimmy Buffet with Heather, giving birth do my daughter (and all that Brittany has given to me), learning to love photography with Beverly, learning that homemade food is better than pre-packaged (thank you Jenny), learning that it’s okay to be alone (Amiee – that was a tough one), seeing my boss’ face before surgery (reassuring – weird I know), to meeting my long lost sister – Christina (thank you Dad), to feeling God’s enormous presence in my life (THANK YOU CANCER).

Memories are such an amazing gift from God. Before it is too late – share one with someone you love. It’s never too late to create a lasting picture of a moment of love with someone.

 

Scriptures:

Luke 2:19 “but Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart.”

Psalm 143:5-16 “I remember to think about the many things you did in years gone by. Then I lift my hands in prayer, because my soul is a desert, thirsty for water from you.”

Philippians 1:3-6 “I thank God for you whenever I think of you. I always have joy as I pray for all of you.”

Proverbs 10:7 “The memory of the righteous is a blessing…”

Psalm 112:6 “Surely he will never be shaken. The righteous man will be remembered forever.”

John 14:26 “But the helper, the Holy Spriit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.”

 

CANCER AND THE LOSS OF SENSES:

https://www.cancercouncil.com.au/cancer-information/managing-cancer-side-effects/taste-and-smell-changes/why-are-senses-affected/

 

 

This is a short blog!

Today I had to get bloodwork for my cancer/remission screening. This happens every six weeks. Sometimes these six weeks feel very close and sometimes they feel like a lifetime. These past six weeks have felt like an eternity. I know that is because of the downward spiral my brain has been on. So, as it felt like a long time since I had been at the Cancer Treatment Center, when I pulled up the impact of the building and full parking lot took my breath away.

That feeling, that knowledge of so many other cancer fighters, there’s nothing like it. Moments like that knock you back to reality and for me back to compassion. It breaks my heart to see so many people suffering this debilitating disease. The faces are do diverse. I mean for a nation that cannot agree on anything, there are things like cancer that unite us all.  

All this to say…God is so great in these moments. He always knows my heart. He always knows what I need to get back into his full mercy and grace. It is beautiful to feel something other than my own despair. It is wonderful to feel compassion, hope, love, and unity for and with others.

That is why I call this “Blessings from Cancer” because honestly this disease has brought me more than it has taken. I know I have a hard time seeing it every day, but I know it in my heart. It has mellowed me, it has calmed me down, it’s slowed me down and that has allowed me to take it all in. The beauty of every little created thing under the sun is so beautiful to me.

Have a blessed day!

                                                        Lions, Tigers and Bears, Oh My

Depression, Anxiety and Dread, Oh My

I absolutely love the movie The Wizard of Oz. There are scenes, phrases in that movie that I still say today. “I have a feeling we aren’t in Kansas anymore” and “There’s no place like home”. I bet most of you did not know that the two most often quoted sources (for day- to- day dialogue) are the Bible and William Shakespeare. Yet, most of us have never read either source.  Isn’t it amazing how something as small as words can enter your ear and stay in your brain forever?

There are so many gifts and blessings that we, as the children of God, have received throughout the ages. I count the gift of language as one of the top 5 (air, water, fire, vegetation, and language). I whole heartedly believe that God’s gift of expression via words was always intended to bring us closer to him and lift one another up. But just as we have abused the other top 5 gifts, we have also gutted the original intent of language. Our words these days do very little to raise a soul closer to heaven. Often times, we use words to destroy and belittle a person, a culture, a race, a theological sect. We use and abuse people with the words we speak. But this post is not about how we inflict pain to others, but how we used this beautiful gift to destroy our own minds and hearts.

I am not the only woman to look at her image and think “I’m fat” “I’m ugly” “if only I…”. I am not the only human to fall short at a goal and then berate my own shortcomings as total failure, absolute loss and unforgiveable sins. We take the words God created (love, beauty, identity) to destroy ourselves and, in the process, we slowly break out chain, our connection to God.

In 2006, I did my first round of marriage counseling. We spent a lot of time talking about our feelings. I now see that as a bad way to work through pain and hurt. Pain and hurt live in feelings. To get out of pain and hurt, one needs to change the way they think, not feel. If more time had been spent addressing each other’s actual needs and red lines, then maybe things could have improved. Instead, the focus was on how someone’s actions made us feel?  And to be honest, feelings are always raw, and picking at raw wounds is not how you heal a wound. Giving a wound the time and space, unbothered, is the only way it heals. After all a wound acts, if allowed, on it's own to heal, eventually scabbing over and allowing new flesh to grow underneath (description here is of a skin wound).

Do not get me wrong, there are many wonderful words God gave us that are tied to emotions. Words like “love” “sadness” “joy”, etc. But each of these words, at least from a biblical sense, is tied to action as well. One does love. One does joy. These words, these feelings do not just linger as an object, as a NOUN, they are working and moving and are very much VERBS. We forgot that. We labeled them as subpar verbs and often use them descriptively and not actively. We stopped working at loving, liking, being happy, finding joy, allowing for sadness, embracing our disappointments, surrendering to hope…and I could go on. And all of this is to say…I used words to discredit my own thoughts and therefore allowed feelings, feelings that I was not actively working through, to lead me into a dark and deep depression.

Oh, I know, I know that I have had so much blessing and mercy and triumph through this battle called Cancer. A battle I never volunteered for. I was voluntold by God – you will suffer and battle through…and others will see your battle. It has not always been pretty. I have wallowed in self-pity, I have suffered from non-belief, I have bottomed out on hope, etc., etc.…. I have experienced great highs and horrendous lows. I have put on the brave face, I have smiled when I wanted to cry, I have isolated from others to help ease their burdens of “not knowing what to do”. I dread using this phrase but battling (over and over) cancer is very much like suffering from a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) and/or PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Yes, PTSD is very much like a TBI in that your brain has experienced a trauma and is unable to operate as usual. The difference being a TBI is physical trauma and PTSD is psychological trauma. But both disorders of the brain can create inaccurate responses and allow for “misfires” in certain areas. PTSD can change a persons’ language use. For example, many with PTSD blur first-person and third-person wording and associations (basically a singular view and a world view all in one) and they typically adopt very negative words, often associate death with everything and remove light and joy from their vocabulary.

Do you know how long it has taken for me to admit that I suffer from PTSD? I still have not accepted it completely. I mean cancer wreaked havoc on my body. The cancer (or should I say treatments) destroyed my blood, numbed my hands and feet, created a loss of short-term memory and memory recall (I can think something but am unable to get it from brain to mouth), has weakened my eyesight, has deafened one ear, has concaved my fingernails, has darkened my veins, changed my skin, the daily chemo pill I am on has weakened my bones, destroyed my joints and stiffened my muscles. And all of this is physical, I deal with it daily and it is what it is. But the absolute worst effect has been my mental changes. I don’t date hope, I don’t dare plan, I live in the very minimal moment (I know we are supposed to do this anyway – but mine is extreme), I am scared, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, I see doctors ALL THE TIME – SO I HATE THEM, I don’t dream, I don’t live fully, because I am always dreading getting going on something and having to PAUSE for treatment, or worse to DIE. There is no joy, there is no happiness, it is all just a “wait and see”. Cancer destroyed my body and my mind and right now today – I feel like it is aiming for my Soul.

This brings me right back to those early days of marriage counseling. Where we had to write a list of all our “let down” moments and feelings about them. I remember clearly my list was pages, and my ex-husband's was two things. My let-down moments were all “things” very materialistic and his were all “actions” very doable things. I remember the pastor telling me that even though my let-down moments were very important, his “action” moments were more substantial. Simply put actions outweigh feelings. We both learned that communication was key, but I also learned that my behavior, my actions, my “doing” was way more vital to health than my “feels”. For example, being upset about the trash not being taken out was not as heavy as say withholding intimacy because I was mad. You see from an early age; I twisted action and feelings and created a combo of inaction when I felt. You know the “silent treatment” or as my daughter and ex-husband still say today “she blows up like a puffer fish” – meaning I sit quiet and look mad but say nothing. I failed at using God’s gift of words to fix, heal, and move on. Instead, I took those words, made them angry and hateful and let them brew in my head.

I have done the same thing with this cancer. I have let its evilness live in my brain. I have let the let-down and disappointment associated with cancer live and thrive in my heart. I stopped crying. I stopped screaming. I just stopped. When you stop and close your heart and brain, you allow for a breading ground of emptiness, darkness, and hate. Every action becomes a chore, becomes an unbearable thing that you just need to get through. You close shop to all the possible light in the world and you say, “hey Satan – I am open for business”. Sounds stupid I know, but God exists in the light and will rescue in the dark, but Satan lives and operates only in the dark. So, when you close shop, you are primed for the picking by Satan.

I do not want to live this way. I really don’t. I want to be me, but I have forgotten who I am. This downward spiral into this current depression began long before the cancer. I have just shoveled disappointment, grief and hurt, one after the other, for decades and now I cannot stand to feel this anymore. Trouble is I don’t know where to start to dig out.

I know the words of God (and the words of Shakespeare) and can say them to myself over and over, but something else is missing. The words are hitting me but no sinking in. I feel worthless and dirty. Seriously cancer is so dirty. For a year there I did not even have my own blood in me. Say what you want, but sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own skin. Like I am clawing from the inside to get out.

And I no longer want to feel like this. I remember a girl that loved the Wizard of Oz. I would watch it every year on the TV. The hourglass moment in the movie is one of my favorites. I loved Star Wars and the opening scene of Return of the Jedi is one of my favorites. I like good overcoming evil. In both of those stories at those moments, really bad things have happened to the main character (Yes Han Solo is a main character) and what they do not know is that while they are facing peril, their friends are in the background plotting/creating a way to rescue them. When all hope looks lost, light finds a way to rescue. I love it. It is a redeeming storyline that makes Star Wars, Wizard of Oz, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, etc. live in our hearts. Good overcomes evil.

So maybe I am living a Job moment. Maybe I need to remember that Job, like Elijah, like Paul, each suffered greatly for their faith. Each for different reasons. Each, in my own opinion, suffers a time of depression. I mean Elijah begs to die, Job lies in mud and wills himself to just die, Paul after the encounter on the road to Damascus is forced to question everything he has ever known, and he is forced to physically suffer. Each suffers pain, both physical and mental. Each is redeemed, raised-up and rescued by God.

That gives me comfort to know that this is a season. I know I was not supposed to be in this season for as long as I have been in, and that comes back to language. I need to start speaking words over my own life, that represent where I want to be, who I want to be and how I want to live. In the words of Shakespeare “what’s done is done”, it is now time to get on with life and live life as written in the bible “eat, drink and be merry”!

REFERENCES:

TBI and Cancer (Chemo brain): https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/chemo-brain/symptoms-causes/syc-20351060

PTSD and Cancer:  https://www.cancer.net/survivorship/life-after-cancer/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-and-cancer

Isolation and Satan: https://knowingisdoing.org/blog/devil-desires-isolate-you-christ-dont-let-him

Job, Elijah and Paul and Depression: http://www.catholiclane.com/paul-and-elijah-the-pharisee-and-the-prophet-on-sinai/

https://faithalone.org/grace-in-focus-articles/suicide-bible-people-who-wanted-to-die/

https://seattlechristiancounseling.com/articles/coping-depression-even-bible-heroes-cope-depression

Shakespeare's use of the bible: https://www.biblesociety.org.uk/latest/news/shakespeare-and-the-bible/3

https://www1.cbn.com/how-bible-influenced-william-shakespeare

 

Language and Depression: https://theconversation.com/people-with-depression-use-language-differently-heres-how-to-spot-it-90877

https://www.mentalhealthtoday.co.uk/blog/how-the-mechanisms-of-depression-are-reflected-in-language

 

Suicide Hotline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/    800-273-8255

Online Therapy: https://www.betterhelp.com/

                                https://www.talkspace.com/

 

A small sample of Shakespeare's Phrases still used today:

1. We have seen better days (As you Like It)

2. Too much of a good thing (As you Like it)

3. Neither rhyme nor reason (The comedy of errors)

4. Cruel to be king (Hamlet)

5. The clothes make the man (Hamlet)

6. In my heart of hearts (Hamlet)

7. He hath eaten me out of house and home (Henry IV)

8. The be-all and the end-all (Macbeth)

9. Jealousy is the green-eyed monster (Othello)

10. What’s done is done (Macbeth)

11. Something wicked this way comes (Macbeth)

12. All that glitters isn’t gold (The Merchant of Venice)

13. Star-crossed lovers (Romeo and Juliet)

14. Wild-goose chase (Romeo and Juliet)

15. Break the ice (Taming the Shrew)

 

A small sample of biblical phrases still used in common language today:

1. At the eleventh hour (Matthew 20:1-16)

2. At your wit’s end (Psalms 107:23-27)

3. The blind leading the blind (Matthew 15:14)

4. By the skin of your teeth (Job 19:20)

5. Eat, drink and be merry (Luke 12:19/1 Corinthians 15:32/Ecclesiastes 8:15)

6. To fall by the wayside (Luke 8:5)

7. A Leopard cannot change its spots (Jeremiah 13:23)

8. Like a lamb to the slaughter (Isaiah 53:7)

9. There is nothing new under the sun (Ecclesiastes 1:9) (also Shakespeare's 59^th sonnet)

10. The writing is on the wall (Daniel 5:1-31)

11. A wolf in sheep’s clothing (Matthew 7:15)

12. Rise and Shine (Isaiah 60:1)

13. The powers that be (Romans 13:1)

14. Go the extra mile (Matthew 5:41)

15. By the skin of your teeth (Job 19:20)

 

 

    LIGHT AT THE END OF THE PATH

I used to have defensive feelings when I would hear Preachers preaching on the subject of “the narrow path” (Mark 8:34/Matthew 7:13-14). I definitely was someone that thought the tactics were fear mongering and an attempt to scare someone into salvation. And that is where I left that whole idea for many decades. I like many followed the following as my defense for this message:

1. Jesus loves the little children. The idea that Jesus loves us so much that nothing bad will happen to me.

2. I have time to get my soul right.  I mean come on at the age of 16/20/30 – you see an abundance of time on the horizon, and you put off the “unpretty” of change until the end, after all as number one says, Jesus loves me and I’ll be just fine.

3. God loved the world.  So, if my Lord loves the world, then I should too! Therefore, living in and of the world is harmless.

I could go on and on as to the defenses I used to put off really living for God. I just honestly thought that Heaven would be widely populated with us all.  I still hold a view that there is One God, and that God may be called different things around the world, but for me that name is Jesus. I hold out hope for others, I truly do.  Up until 2019, I believed that most or many would make it to heaven. I often would ask out loud, how can anyone not make it to heaven. Then I really started diving into the word of God.  

Today I read an article that said only 6% of Americans hold to a biblical worldview. Only 6% live their life as if the bible is the way to live their life.   

https://www.christianheadlines.com/contributors/milton-quintanilla/only-6-percent-of-americans-hold-to-a-biblical-worldview-study.html

 This news of how few Americans hold to a biblical way of life really sheds light on the thoughts and questions of “how is it only a few that will be in Heaven”.  Honestly, I cannot believe how few there are in the country and world that still believe and hold on to the teachings of Jesus.  Not sure how anyone can read Matthew 6:24 “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other, or he will hold to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and Man.” It is clear. I mean crystal clear that we are not supposed to serve this world. We are not supposed to have a world view. We are supposed to have a Jesus view, live as holy as we can.

 Like I said it was in 2019 when I had a dream/vision.  I know many do not believe that having dreams and/or visions from God exists. Many feel that they are made-up or not divinely inspired. Not sure why or how any Christian can believe that Jesus has stopped talking to us. He talks to us daily through dreams, songs, words, images. He still wants to talk to us. I know enough of the Lord to know the difference between a dream that is not inspired by the Lord and one that is.  If my dream comes to me from a voice that isn’t mine, through thoughts that are not mine, then it comes from something else. And if the dream is not contradictory to the words and teachings of Christ, then I believe them to come from the Lord.

In that dream, I was on a road/path with a lot of people.  In that moment we are running away from something (presumed to be something bad). The path ended abruptly and at the end was two ways to go. One was wide, well-lit, and looked inviting and as if nothing could possibly harm you if you chose that path to help you avoid the thing you were running from.  The other path was like a tunnel and was narrow and very dark. Everyone started running down the wide well-lit path, including many of my loved ones that were running with me. I stopped and looked at the two paths before deciding. I chose to go down the dark tunnel. Once in the tunnel, I realized I was alone. No one from my group was with me. No one! Everyone from the other side was screaming for me to turn around and come their way. But then something happened.

As I was going a little way into the tunnel it started to get lighter and brighter, definitely less scary. It was becoming inviting and warm.  The opposite was true about my loved ones on the other side. It started to get darker and scary. As I walked into a light of embrace and love, the were engulfed by the fire that had served as the “light” on their side.  Once I was through the bright of the tunnel, I was in the embrace of Jesus. I was surrounded by a few of my family members that had gone before me. I definitely remember seeing my Grandfather Alfred Collie. He hugged me. It was wonderful, except, I could hear the faint screams of horror from the other side. I remember looking at Jesus, and I want everyone to know one thing, in none of these dreams has JESUS EVER SPOKEN TO ME – he has never had to. His eyes always say everything. He looked sad at the screams and he just pulled me tight into an embrace and pulled me away from that opening. I was safe.

I know many will say this was just my brain retelling the scriptures of the road less traveled. But to me this was more. You see because we always think the road to heaven looks saintly, safe, and secure. In my dream it did not. It looked scary and hard. But is not that faith. Faith is belief in the unseen, knowing and trusting that something GREAT is on the other side. Our walk with God is not meant to be easy or without troubles. It will be hard. It will look bleak. It will be scary at times. But always remember this, in the end WE WN!!! Please do not be tempted by what appears to be bright and easy. Your faith will never be untested. Your faith will never be easy. Your faith will require work. Your faith will take you down the unknown paths. Be vigilant. And hold on to the truths that are God’s words, the bible. Do not question its accuracy, its authority, the writers, the divinity, or inspiration of the authors. Accept that the words provided, no matter who wrote them are divinely inspired and that each word is a lesson, a truth, and a light unto our path. Why on earth do you think Jesus is referred to as THE TRUTH, THE WAY, THE LIFE. He is defined as the LIGHT OF THE WORLD. Why would we need directions and a light on our path, if it were already lit and wide?  I do not want to walk that path alone. I want each one that I love to be with me.  

Here I am not preaching. Not screaming. Not trying to intimidate anyone. What I want is for each of you to ask yourself one question. “Am I living by the word of God or by the word of the World”.  Your answer to that question should be all you need to make decisions as to what you need to do to walk the narrow path with me. I too fall short of that path every day, but each day I repent for my sins and I beg mercy and forgiveness from Jesus. I just have the benefit of knowing through the word and my own feeling of salvation, of knowing I am forgiven.

 It has been some time since my last dream or word from God. I drew near the other day and was attempting to quiet my mind, trying to meditate.  My voice in my head was all over the place and would not be quiet, so I know my voice.  And in the middle of that voice, I heard “Reach”.  That is it, not a lot of words, just Reach.  I knew it was from God because it was a voice outside of my voice. It was a word spoken over all the other stuff in my head. I do not know if I know the whole meaning of the word “Reach”, or what direction I am supposed to go with it. I just know that it is a call. So here I am writing again.

I will never know here on this earth, why I have the ability to read and understand the scriptures. I know many of my friends find it hard to read and understand the words in the bible, or they get intimidated by the generational names (al the begats). Maybe this is my gift. If it is, then I need to share it with you all. Like I said, for all I know each dream could just be my own mind interpreting what I have read, but I do know I have experienced dreams and words that I know were not from my own understanding.

In the bible, we are taught that dreams are important, in both the Old Testament and the New Testament. In Genesis 28:10-19 Jacob has a dream where he sees a ladder that is to and from Earth and Heaven. He sees angels ascending and descending to and from Heaven. He then saw God and God said “I am the Lord, the God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac, the land you are lying on I will give you…” He is then blessed.

 Lastly, I want to tell you friends, that God wanted this message written. He has been at me in one form or another to make sure it is posted. So, I am going to be obedient to the Lord. I fear nothing man can ever throw at me; I only fear not being obedient to God.  The Devil has tried many tactics to prevent this from being posted. Somethings even looked like they were from God (and maybe they were). That said, I can never let fear be my determining factor for these posts. It must be from and about love.  My faith is the sum of who I am. It is my beginning, my middle and my end. It is my rock, my ship and my light. It guides me, protects me and lifts me. There is no me without God.

 God bless each and every one of you. My prayer is that he finds you right where you are, in whatever season you are in and that you feel his love and grace.

 Hebrews 4:12 “For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

 Mark 8:34 “then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he (Jesus) said, “if any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your crosses and follow me.”

 Matthew 7:13-14 “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”

John 15:21 “But all these things they will do to you on account of my name, because they do not know him who sent me.”

 

Article on the Decline of Christianity in America:

https://www.pewforum.org/2019/10/17/in-u-s-decline-of-christianity-continues-at-rapid-pace/