Falling...Free Falling From Grace

Falling…Free Falling From Grace

It’s been a while since I have felt like writing about anything. Don’t get me wrong, my mind races and gets lost in a fantasy world every day. It’s been easier to escape to a false reality and avoid my actual existence. You see in my fantasy world, I am whole, I am complete, and I am happy, more importantly I am not afraid, not scared, not hurting and not grieving in my fantasy world.

The problem obviously is that not only have I avoided my own reality; I have avoided God. I have prayed very little, I have sought him very little, I have been silently avoiding my confrontation with my savior. I have been falling from his Grace, a little each day.

Okay – now you all know the truth of my emotional state, but maybe I need to give some clarity on how I got here…you know at the bottom of a valley that I don’t want to be in.

Back in November, the day before Thanksgiving actually, I was told my cancer had come back, and even though it had come back small and in the same place, in my mind I knew…what my friends and family are having a hard time accepting, and that is that recurrences, no matter how small, are an indication that your body isn’t fighting like it should. Basically, my days on this earth are very numbered.

I had to couple that disappointment with the sudden loss of my dad. There are no words to explain what it is like to lose the one person on this planet that has raised me, taught me, scolded me, disciplined me, called me out on my crap, yet always loved me. The loss was devastating. I was making plans to begin chemotherapy at the same time as I was writing my Eulogy to him. Unfortunately, I had a very awkward encounter with my dad as he passed, a vision or a feeling, either way, it wasn’t nice and peaceful, and it scared me.

There are gifts that we all have been equipped with from our creator. Some of us will know them, use them for the Glory of God and some of us may waist them, or never realize them. I have an innate sense of “feeling” - basically I can pretty much read anyone, anytime and that hasn’t always been a blessing. Then with the Cancer Diagnosis back in 2018, I also began being able to “see” things in dreams – basically a way to communicate with Jesus (it’s what I believe).  

Well with all of the loss and personal set-back – I turned it all off! I was disappointed in God. How do you live being disappointed with God? I had cancer again (even after I truly believed that I was healed – or did I) and a feeling of not only my Dad passing, but that maybe he didn’t go to heaven. My soul was lost, my mind was done! I shut it all down. Don’t get me wrong, I still went to church when I could, I still looked the part, but inside – I was done.

So back to my losing myself to a perfect fantasy world - well it’s not really hard to tune everyone out and go to a “good” place in your head. I mean Lucifer, fell from God’s Grace – so maybe I too had fallen too far for him to care/reach or try to talk to. After all, I was mad, I was hurt, and I felt utterly alone. If tears were dollars, Lord knows I’d be rich from these past two months.

But here is what Jesus did, while I was wallowing in self-pity, doubt, anger and hurt…

1. Friends kept popping in to say hi, to pray with me, to bring me food, to let me know I wasn’t alone. And on my darkest days, randomly one or two of them would just send me a scripture or a song or a word of encouragement…now I’ll be honest, I accepted it with a smile and thanked them – but still was unmoved in my heart. I mean I have written myself off to death…so!

2. In my fantasy world in my head, I’d be doing amazing things and then suddenly I’d be preaching the word…telling Jesus’ story, defending my faith. I’d wake straight up and try to shake the words, the images and eventually I’d go back to my “sinful fantasy”. Sometimes visions of crosses would just appear in my dreams.

3. My cancer marker has come down, not a lot and not enough to really mean that the cancer has gone, but enough to begin to allow the crumb, the seed of hope to enter into my head. I have a scan tomorrow that will determine the progress of this treatment…but I do have a small glimpse of hope to hold on. TRUTH – I haven’t prayed about it. Any of it! I am just accepting that whatever is – is! If I pray tonight, I will feel like a fraud – you know praying at the 11^th hour for a hail Mary miracle. Jesus is capable of anything – but I have to admit that me treating him like my last resort isn’t right.

Yet, here is how I know he hasn’t left my side – even when I left his!

a. Versus and Songs still make me cry in worship to him;

b. Two nights ago, I was in my fantasy world – avoiding my pain (by the way I am in physical pain a lot – I mean A LOT – this treatment has been VERY HARD) – and literally out of nowhere – the face of Jesus came into my mind and he said “Are you done torturing  yourself!” One of my dear friends, Kelly Scott, once told me that if you envision the Lord – you know it’s the Lord if his words and actions don’t contradict his word “the gospel”. Well friends – this vision, those words don’t contradict him. Honestly, we allow torture and hurt into our lives everyday – he doesn’t! It was a wake-up call – but I have still been battling all week. I am working on it.

c. He came back into my mind (and I wasn’t in a fantasy world – just working) and I was just trying to pray but couldn’t get there. He said for me to go to my place (my secret worship place in my mind where I feel close to him is a green field of beautiful purple flowers – and I haven’t been there in months). I suddenly saw the field, and the beautiful flowers. I didn’t see him. I didn’t hear him. (he knows I am back at the baby step place). I saw my feet in the garden of flowers. Then I saw a snake (I have seen too many of them recently) and for the first time ever – EVER!!! I stepped on the head of the snake – and it went away. Jesus is reminding me of my power – through him.

So, the title of this Free Falling from Grace. It conjures up the image of the fallen angels falling from heaven. But for me it’s a question, a thought, can we fall from God’s Grace. YES, we can – but if we do, it’s a choice, it’s never his will or his letting us go. It’s us walking away and shutting him off. All along these few months of hell, I have often said out loud, Jesus don’t let me get too far away. I may not have prayed “Lord heal me, Lord fix me, Lord be with me, Lord why am I suffering, Lord make it stop, Lord I can’t…” but with me saying “Lord don’t let me fall too far that I can’t see you, can’t get back to you” – he said OKAY – I am here always here, when you are done wallowing in the disappointment of human, fleshly wants and desires, I am here to show you the way.

So this first post back – I admit I am a sinner, I have turned my back on the very faith I count on – but it’s okay, because he knows, knew I was going to have to go through this to look back up and say,

Heavily Father, it is well with my soul, no matter what, it is well. I am here to glorify you, and only you, and however you want that done, it will be done. I am not angry, I am not scared, I am whole and perfect in this “real” world because I am made in your image. I am loved, because I am yours.

April

Some articles on Grace:

https://lifehopeandtruth.com/change/grace/fall-from-grace/

https://faithalone.org/grace-in-focus-articles/can-believers-fall-from-grace/

Facts about Cancer Recurrence: 

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/cancer/in-depth/cancer/art-20044575

https://www.cancer.org/treatment/survivorship-during-and-after-treatment/understanding-recurrence/what-is-cancer-recurrence.html

A Time of Change

This week I have been really struck by the magnificence and glory of God's artistry "nature". This is the time of year when the weather is crisp, the trees are singing with color and the aromas of Autumn leap from everywhere (hello Pumpkin Spice).

Autumn is a time for change, but also of renewal. I know most people only see a reminder of God's promises in the Spring, when everything comes back to life, but the Autumn is also a gentle reminder of his promises.

Through our salvation, we are promised an everlasting life. I think most of us walk around with an image of a blank check that we can cash in at a time of great distress, screaming to the sky "but you promised an everlasting life." When the fears of Cancer creep into my conscience I sometimes get a bit selfish and mumble something similar to God. Yet he always reminds me that his promise stands, like the Seasons.

We all know that Winter is death, Spring is renewal and Summer is slender/beauty/bounty...and Autumn is the biggest and scariest season of them all. Autumn begins with the last of the harvest, which of course is made available from the planting (Spring) and working (Summer) of the fields (or whatever you are planting). Autumn at the end also brings a very sudden cold reminder that death is here. But when you look at the last leaf dangling from the tree, remember this, it is just a season, and you have to let go of "it" so that God can work his wonders in the Winter (death). It is through this very cycle of change that the promise "springs" to life.

We can't have the planting, working and harvest, the PROMISE until we let things die. It is hard letting go of that final string that holds you back, but God promises us that he will always be there and we will be redeemed, made new and made whole in everlasting life with him in Heaven, if we will only let go, believe and follow him.

For me this change, this letting go, has been difficult. I have a scan coming up next week, and I was genuinely scared, nervous and anxious. But this week, the Lord reminded me to let go and have faith in him. He reached out to me via scripture from my friend and a song from my sister. The scripture was regarding Faith being what we Hope for and what we do not See (beautiful message) and the song was Lauren Daigle's Rescue. These independent messages are a gift to me that no matter what, my Lord has me...I may not like the season, but he has a plan and I trust in him.

I am wishing every single one of you a very Happy and Thankful Thanksgiving. I will enjoy mine.

For all of you that may be struggling with sadness, despair and depression over the holidays, please know that there are people you can reach out to.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

https://www.cancer.net/blog/2018-08/cancer-depression-and-suicide-risk-signs-watch

Be Still and Know that I am God - Psalms 46:10

Last year about this time, my world was really changing. I was undergoing my very first chemotherapy treatment. I had made some amazing new friends via a Bible Study. I had reconnected with Christ. I had found Christ's compassion and promise in my deepest fear and weakest moment. The Lord had promised me to rescue me through the fire. Literally, that was a vision I had right before my first chemo transfusion. I was in the middle of praying with a Chaplain and I saw myself kneeling before the cross. I saw the Lord transform into a healed God in all white and in all his glory. He got off the cross, looked at me and without saying a word, motioned for me to follow him. Suddenly we were surrounded by a forest on fire, but I was calm, I wasn't scared, because I was following Jesus. He guided me safely through the fire. This "hope" this "calm" that he gave me that day, was all the strength I needed to endure five more rounds of grueling chemotherapy. He saved me that day.

In the year that has past, I have had many ups and downs. I have allowed the enemy to eat away at that peace and calm, by having fear when  I had a pain or even recently when I had a spike in my CA-125 levels. But through prayer and focus on God, I once again live in peace and calm. This week has been stressful to say the least, but I have been at peace and have sought out the Joy in life that oftentimes we overlook or deny ourselves.

Do you know I truly believe most of us walk around denying ourselves the Glory that GOD has promised us. Have you ever thought that you might be doing more harm to your spirit than Satan? I know I have. Sometimes I am ashamed at how much time I entertain the evil one. I mean my thoughts can go from "smurf happy" to the "fires of hell" in one second.

So that's why today I wanted to remind everyone of my favorite verse of the bible (2018). Psalms 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God". It really doesn't get any clearer than this message right here. This message was everywhere during my cancer treatments. Friends and strangers alike were giving things to me that had this verse on it. And that my friends is "a word from God". So if God wants me (us) to be still, relax, have peace, cast our worries away, be fearless....because he's got this, then why aren't we.

There are so many verses in the bible that state that as a believer with faith, we are not supposed to waste time on fear, doubt and worry. Because when we do that we aren't just robbing ourselves of the peace promised by God, we are walking one foot in faith and one foot in the world. I don't think I need to remind anyone that walking like that is trying to serve two masters and that is something no soul can do.

I am not saying I won't have days filled with tears, but I am saying that I have freely given my cares away to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ...and his will be done!  I am here for the ride. I am here to spread his word. I am here to seek him, praise him and worship him.

Peace and Calm to everyone out there! I pray you feel compelled to spread the love and joy!

April

For my fellow cancer fighters:  I thought you might like these links!

From the American Cancer Society: https://www.cancer.org/latest-news/study-cancer-patients-with-strong-religious-or-spiritual-beliefs-report-better-health.html

From Cancer.gov:  https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/coping/day-to-day/faith-and-spirituality

Clearly - I am not alone in embracing my faith through this challenge.

Fear - it is a liar

Sometimes it is so easy for me to tell others how to stay positive and to focus on the good. Sometimes I fall short and allow fear to enter my mind. The following is a post - that I posted - in my Cancer support group today!

"Sometimes, out of nowhere, I am reminded of the fear I still have that the cancer will come back and that I will die from it. I try to remain positive all the time. I try to live like I am okay - on the other side of this disease...but the reality is that my reality is shaken and different. I wish, I hope, I pray...I want to never experience cancer again - God willing!"

It sounds like I am gripped with fear. And it is true, sometimes I allow Satan to enter my mind and tell me things about myself that God has never once said about me. I think when I let this happen to me - what I am really saying is "God, I am weak right now and I just can't be as strong as you say I am...help me." We all get to this point from time to time. 

Whether that point is from a medical diagnosis, a phone call telling us a loved one has passed, a failing grade, a feeling of rejection, a terrible heart-break...in these lonely dark moments we sometimes allow ourselves to "feel" less than we are - and that let's Satan inside our minds to fill it with doubt, fear and hopelessness. 

My truth is that there may come a day when I receive more bad news about Cancer, but I need to remind myself that God is right there with me, in the Good and the Bad. One of the visions I had during my treatments was at church. I was at church singing during worship and I instantly had a vision of Jesus. He showed himself to me at every critical stage of treatment. He was in the Surgical room (showing light to my surgeon), he was in the chair next to me during Chemotherapy holding my hand (so if you were one of Chemo Angles, know Jesus was sitting on you - lol), and he was holding my chest/stomach area during my scans. He was there every step of the way. 

That vision didn't just comfort me it awakened inside of me the power of belief, self-healing, prophetic visions, and the ability to just "know" the lord's word. All because I accepted the vision, believed (without any hesitation) what was shown to me. And yet I am here to say that even with that...I fall short and I allow fear to creep in my mind and destroy the Peace Jesus provided me. 

Ask yourself, are you actively destroying the peace given to you by Jesus? Because if we (Psalms 46:10) Be still and accept that God is God - we really don't have to worry about anything. He has never said we won't go through the hills and valleys, but he has always said "I am right there with you". 

I have such a long road in front of me - to get to where I want to be spiritually. I have to learn to overcome my fear, to let God be God, to trust in him completely. To accept his will - no matter what. I need to learn to be a humble and faithful servant to him. Because until I do these small steps in faith, I will never be ready for the larger steps of faith. I don't want to miss out on God's call and purpose for my life. 

Fear is so debilitating. It wreaks havoc on our minds and bodies. Sometimes when we think of Satan and his ability to destroy us, we conjure up images from scary movies...Satan doesn't even have to lift a finger to destroy us. We give him all the power he needs - when we focus on doubt, fear and negative thoughts. So if there is anyone else out there today swimming in self-doubt and paralyzing fear - listen to what God says about us - you - me - and his love and protection of us!

1. Isaiah 41:10 "fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

2. Philippians 4:6-7 "in nothing be anxious but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your heart and your thought in Christ Jesus."

3. Proverbs 29:25 "The fear of people proves to be a snare, but whoever puts his trust in the Lord is kept safe."

4. Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." 

5. Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble."


For anyone struggling with anxiety, fear and depression post cancer treatments...here is a great link (Cancer.org) that I hope helps.

https://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatments-and-side-effects/emotional-side-effects/anxiety-fear-depression.html

The Let Down

No one said that the journey to the top of the mountain would be easy.

I honestly don't think this post has much to do with cancer, but more to do with the maturity I have in my Faith (which I only have because of Cancer). There may be some truths in this blog that lead to some hurt feelings, but when you mature in Faith, you see things so differently.

When I started this journey I was so far from Grace. I knew of Jesus and of God's grace, but only in the absolute basic form. Now I truly know Jesus. I still fall far from being worthy of God's grace, yet he gives it to me freely.

I try my best to surround myself with other's that are walking the walk of a Christian. Yet I am reminded that Jesus did not. He chose to sit with and engage sinners, in an effort that they may feel his love, believe and change their ways. I know that is what we are meant to do as well. To spread his word, show compassion and love to those that may not know any other form of Jesus, but the form we present to them.

So as a Christian, I am self aware of the "form" of Christ I show others. Cancer has provided me an amazing platform. I am able to talk Christs's love in my many support groups and to my medical team. I'll pray for and with just about anyone in need. Even when their prayer request is so close to my own emotional rawness of Cancer and surviving. There are no ends to which I won't go to pray for someone that feels like they have no hope.

And this is going to sound, well, harsh! I actually have been more let down by those that claim to be Christians than my heathen, non-believers in my support groups. Now, obviously this is not true about a lot of my inner-circle. My friends Heather, Beverly and sister, Kim could be poster-children of Christ. But, unfortunately this can't be said about others - I'll just leave that there.

The three I mentioned see me as April and will always see me as April. They will never see me as "the girl with cancer" or "oh poor pitiful April". They will always see me as ME. Do not underestimate or undervalue the importance of your fellow Christians seeing you as a child of Christ and as a unique individual. I have a friend Amiee that never talks about my illness - and I love it. She has made a point to "live life" with me right where I am.  It is refreshing.

Sometimes I feel that Christians like to label each other, as it helps them determine their own pecking order, or allows them a quick crutch to point out someone else's blessing or shortcomings when they are struggling with their own identity in Christ. Well I hate to say this to those that think like this but I am April - I am not just Cancer. I am not just Broken. I do not need to be reminded daily of my suffering. I remind myself daily of my survival by speaking to those suffering. So I don't need my wounds to be cut open time and time again.

So the reason I feel let down by some in "faith" - is simply to do with my perspective of faith and what it is to be a Christian. Have you ever just pondered on what it is to be "saved" or to be "reborn" or to live a "Christ-like life"? It means that you shouldn't be living your life exactly as you did before given your life to Christ. And although we all fall short of being worthy of God's grace, we have a duty and an obligation, to deny the flesh and live according to his will and purpose.

Many of the people I have encountered on this journey still live a very flesh-driven lifestyle. They live without the Joy of living for Jesus. They still live for themselves, do as they want, and have not changed. It is sad to watch this. I have had to unfollow so many, because I have seen with my own "sinful eyes" how much they live for and love the world. It just breaks my heart. I know God wants us to enjoy the gifts of this World he has provided - just not everything of this world is his design/making. And I know some are rolling their eyes or saying "she sins too" - yep I do, but when I sin I repent, beg for mercy of the Lord and do my best to not do it again.

Many are living as if "I am saved" is a blank check to live life to the fullest that you can cash in at the date and time of death. NOPE - not even close to how you should be thinking if you are saved.

Cancer was a wake up call that "hey stupid - you will die - sooner than you think" - and yet many of us are living like we always have tomorrow to make it right. We have no such guarantee. If you haven't seen the movie Overcomer - this is a tiny little spoiler (but it was in a preview - so it's all good)....a sick man asks a man that visits him in the hospital to "pray for me" - and the visitor says "I will".  When the visitor comes back to visit him, the sick man is confronting him about putting God first all the time...and he asks the visitor "you said you would pray for me....DID YOU" and of course the visitor had not prayed for him.

And to make this long post summed up - I think this is my point. Many of us claim to be, act like we are and talk a huge CHRISTIAN game...but we don't live it.

Well from all my fellow caner survivors let me tell you that each and every single PRAYER is needed, wanted and longed for.

Like I said this may offend many...but if it does you need to re-read your bible. God, David, Solomon, Jesus, Peter and Paul (and many more) offended many to get their point across....and the point is that TRUE SALVATION REQUIRES CHANGE - CHANGE INSPIRES GROWTH AND GROWTH LEADS TO FAITHFUL FRUIT. 

But hey - let's see what they actually said...

From Solomon...Proverbs 4:25-27 "Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

(basically you can't have one foot in faith and one foot in the world)...it's being all in!

From Paul...Ephesians 4:31-32 "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

(we really should not gossip, not have anger or be mean spirited - and this even more especially true in our religious sections of life  - you know church, small groups, faith functions)

Galatians 5:16-18 "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law."

But I think my favorite on the "continued sin" is from John - the beloved John - 1 John 3:4-5 "Everyone who practices sin also practices lawlessness; and sin is lawlessness. You know that He appeared in order to take away sins; and in Him there is no sin. No one abides in Him sins; no one who sins has seen Him or KNOWS Him.

I love each of you and want each of you to live a life according to the will of God and to live a life full of Joy. You know - because heaven will be a little less bright without you!

Until next time,

April

Cancerversiary, Birthday, Future...oh my!

If you know anyone that has been struggling with or who is a survivor of Cancer you have heard the word "cacerversiary". The term basically is a date a patient looks on as a milestone. For me I picked the date of my initial diagnosis. Well that day has come and gone and now I am less than a week from my birthday and less than a month from spending a great weekend with my daughter to celebrate her 21st.

If I were to be honest with you all and myself, I'd tell you that in October, 2018, I didn't think I'd see any of this - and yet here I am. All I know to do is say "Glory to God" "Praise you Lord for giving me this moment, these moments". I don't know why I am here and I no longer feel guilt about being alive. God's just not done using me for his will - when he is (for all of us), we will depart from this world.

I am now active in a few online support groups and two in-person groups. I feel my only goal with all of this is to shout to the world  - I am alive because of Jesus! - and to tell my testimony and to help others struggling with the disease.

In all my "present" days that God grants me, I still struggle with sin, as we all do. I always have to remind myself that "he is greater that is in me - than he that is in the world". Wow - look at me quoting the Word of GOD - well that's a change. Sometimes I give in to guilt, worry, worldly thoughts, after all I am human. Now, I just get gentle reminders that "hey God loves you - so it's okay to be mad, angry, hurt, and to FEEL." What's not okay is to lie in that feeling and wallow and let that feeling depress me or lower me into an empty darkness. God loves me - God loves you. Cancer isn't from God. These worldly evils (mass-shootings, corruptions, etc.) are not from God. But God will use them to get our focus on him.

I have spent the past few months not writing. I have been trying to figure out how God wants to use me, what is my purpose. I mean he has given me the gift of TODAY and he hasn't failed on any of his promises he made to me. How can I serve him. How can I share him. I am still searching for that Answer - but I do know he has always said - WRITE.

We (bible group) recently read The Circle Maker and I remembered that we are supposed to dream and that God wants to help us reach the dreams we have that are in line with his will. My dreams have always been about writing. That can't be a coincidence. So I am back, writing. And I know this BLOG is choppy and not well thought out - excuse me while I brush off the cobwebs from a very long and soul-searching summer.

I don't know who this is for, but these words, this Blog, is not about me, it's about that person that has questioned God about purpose, questioned God about survival...God is using me to speak to you. God has already spoken to me about me. He has gifted me with a few amazing visions/dreams that were personal to me and my life. These words in this blog are not to comfort me or to reassure me - but to comfort and reassure you.

God uses cancer, he uses death, he uses births, he uses accidents, he uses pain, he uses joy he uses it all to speak to us. He will take the absolute darkest moment and shine light in it - you might not see it - because that light may be for someone else. So now when I am in my dark places, I pray "God help me use this to help others, help me do your Will". We are not meant to suffer (long) - because we will suffer. Jesus told his disciples that they would suffer because they believed in him. If you ever want a wake-up call at the cost of being a Christian - read how they all perished. Yet each of them followed and spread the message of Jesus anyway. So we will suffer here on earth, because we are a fallen earth. We just aren't meant to suffer long or alone. God is always with us. He sees are suffering. So if you are suffering ask "God how can I use this to do your will" - he will answer.

Cancer is not fun. It is painful. It is disgusting. It is relentless. But right now I am celebrating this little gift called "remission" and "anniversary" with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I will thank him on my birthday. I will thank him on my trip with my daughter. I will thank him when I am bent over in pain. I will thank him when my nerves in my feet and hand still burn. I will thank him when my mind goes blank and I can't remember where I am or what I am doing. I will thank him when someone's words wounds my heart. I WILL THANK HIM - BECAUSE I CAN. I STILL CAN WRITE THIS. I STILL CAN SAY THIS. LIFE IS A GIFT - WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOURS?

Many blessings to you all,

April

The Dark Side of being a Survivor

I have written about my cancer journey, from the diagnosis to the surgery and through the chemotherapy. I am now writing as a cancer survivor and what it feels and looks like. These are my current truths.

1. I am in remission. Remission is just a moment in time where God allows me to live without the pain and agony of cancer and cancer treatments. I pray that my remission is so long that I see my grandchildren graduate from high school (and I don't even have any yet) - lol! The longer I go in remission the less I feel anxiety over the constant blood work and scans. At some point and time I just have to "let go and let God"!

2. My new normal. I know you've seen the commercials about people living their new normal. My new normal is living daily with the knowledge that I have no control over what is going on inside my body, but I do have control over what I do with my body, what I put inside my body and what I do with the outside of my body. This is a bit of a struggle. I struggle with the "I know what I need to do" and the "doing what I need to do". I feel this is a struggle that we all go through though, so it's not just a "cancer survivor" thing.

3. Constant guilt. I always feel a bit of guilt when someone around me passes away from random daily things and I am still standing. I feel like screaming - "no not them...I am the one sick - take me". When I go to get my port cleaned and have my blood work taken, I feel a mixture of blessing and guilt. I look into the eyes of those hooked up to the chemo lines with compassion and feel guilty that I am healthy enough not to need it. It's hard. I do sometimes feel ashamed at myself for just living my life in a mundane and useless way. Like God didn't save me for me to just sleep, eat and work. He couldn't have done that, right?

4. My faith struggles. I am so ashamed at how far I have fallen from my God since the second scans. I have withdrawn and I don't know why. I still believe, I still pray...I just don't feel! It is something I am working on. I am trying to figure out why being blessed and healed has sent me spiraling into a deep and dark depression. It's the ugly of survivorship. No one prepares you for this. See, while I was struggling week-to-week with the treatments, I was working towards a goal. Now I am here, cleared and knowing I am meant for more, there is a calling that I am ignoring, not hearing. I know my needs for Jesus are no longer urgent, but they are. I still need him the same way I needed him when I felt like I was dying.

5. My emotions and heart. It's not that I don't love others, I do. I really do. I love people more than I let on. It's just that I am guarded. I am not guarded of fear that they will hurt me (that was me the last 40 years), I am guarded because I live with no promises of any tomorrows and I know that I may hurt them. I am scared to be accepted as a broken person, and I know this is wrong, because we are all broken.

Cancer has changed me. There are still times I feel the old me, but I see everything as urgent, as if we don't have tomorrow to change them, fix them. I used to be a bit more optimistic, but all of a sudden all I see is how broken and fallen this world is. I still see the glimmer of Glory that God called us to be and I pray that we can get back to that Glory.

I guess all I am saying is that I still need Jesus's love and compassion and promise now, more than I did when I was dying. I need to know that he didn't mess up by saving me. I need to pray for help seeing his calling, hearing his calling and doing his will. I can fail at everything else in my life, except in my relationship with him.

I feel that this blog is a bit of a rant and I do apologize, it's just where I am today. I am in a funk. I am in a place of utter disappointment in failing to feel that my saving was worth it. In a world where innocent people are slaughtered everyday, I just want to feel that I am worth this second-chance. I need to get off my rear end and make this moment count.


"Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge" (Psalm 62:8).

"Those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction" (Job 36:15).

For mental health help for survivors:

Mayo Clinic: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/cancer/in-depth/cancer-survivor/art-20047129

Cancer.net: https://www.cancer.net/survivorship/life-after-cancer/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-and-cancer