Slow Dancing with the Devil
I know that the title is shocking, and you will just have to read this with an understanding that sometimes in life, darkness surrounds us.
There's no other way to start this, than by being up front and honest, my faith has been shaken, my heart has been broken, my resolve has been tested and I could not be more raw than I am right now. I guess I really haven't handled my step-dad's death well. And given that I was diagnosed with recurring Stage IV cancer only one week before he got sick, began chemo again on his birthday, four days after he died, well I guess I never dealt with it. I guess there is still some underlying anger going on in my head. I guess I am so whip lashed at the constant attack on my body, my mind and my soul - not to mention the attacks on the one good thing I've done, my daughter. That I now find myself swimming in this nothingness - and it is dark, oh so dark right now.
I am well versed of scripture and know all of the truths about myself that the Lord said, that the Lord gave, that the Lord sacrificed and died for - so that I could believe in, rely on and live with. But you know in all that Freedom that we were given comes free-will - the right to choose our path. And with all the promises and armor you'd think we'd be protected from things meant to destroy us, but we aren't. We never were. We were just equipped with truth, knowledge and love, that we may use them to defend ourselves. I spent days, weeks, months praying, loving and relying on my faith to see me through and either my faith wasn't strong enough or I wasn't using it right or doing it right, because it failed, I failed - something failed.
And here I am on this isolated dark dance floor with music I don't understand, with very limited light and the only thing there to comfort me in this darkness is the one feeding me all the lies. Only this time around since I am so weak, his lies are sweet, alluring and satisfying. His lies allow me to hide from the truth. His pull enables me to let go and forget what is reality. The music is intoxicating, slowly pulling me in and the darkness is comforting. After a while I am no longer really moving on my own, I am being moved by the darkness...the darkness being Satan. He has entered my mind, my body and soul. He has whispered, laughed and loved allowing me to forget the hurt, the pain and he has replaced all hope with fear. The fear now allows me to exist in a world, numb, without care or concern. This dance goes on and on with no beginning and no end. You'd think I could just walk away from it and return to my right state of mind, but I can't, not right now. The numbness feels good. I'd rather not feel. I'd rather not think. Just let me be alone in this sweet nothingness, let me disappear from this hard and broken world. Don't you understand I am tired of hurting, tired of crying, tired of fake smiling and telling everyone "I am okay, I am fine" - because I am not. And now successfully, I have pushed everyone away....and I sway back and forth alone with and in the darkness.
Okay - so none of you expected me to say that, wanted to hear it, or know what to do with it. Unfortunately being a Christian with a foundation of faith and belief doesn't protect you from being attacked, being lured, being afraid. It actually makes you more of a target. I mean if you never knew the light of Jesus, then you'd never miss it. I think if it had not been for this past Tuesday's bible study (love you Vessels), I may seriously have lost my way for good. Because all of blows coming my way were hard, ferocious hits, one after the other.
1. My mother and father died in 2013, and although I believed I was over it - in reality I really miss them right now. I miss hearing my mom's voice, I miss having her suffocate me with her hugs and I miss having that one person that just loves me (no matter what). And although she wasn't herself the last couple of years of her life, I know that if she were here now, she'd be that hand on my forehead, caressing my pain away. And my biological father, well he was brilliant. I mean for a man with no college education, he was smart and had knowledge that was amazing and shocking. I could use his wisdom right now telling me what studies to look at, what medications to consider. But I don't have either of them...
2. My marriage fell apart in 2015. Maybe it was from the grief, the financial struggles, the "other" things that need not ever be mentioned, because well amazingly he and I have become really good friends - in a weird way. I know if really needed anything I could text or call him - it might take him a week to get back to me, but that's him. So this is not all bad - but still, having divorced parents I really wanted a lasting marriage, I never wanted to be divorced and I never wanted to feel like I let down God, because I couldn't keep it together. It's a scar that never really heals.
3. Cancer - well guys it is what it is. I can't sugar coat this. I have Stage IV incurable cancer. It supposedly can be managed, but they mean years (2-4) not decades, and seeing death being in my immediate future, has really messed my head up. I pretend I am okay with it, but nothing could be further from the truth. I am scared and I don't want to leave my daughter. I don't want to miss out on seeing her get married, have babies, be successful, and hate that there will be things in life that she will want her mama for, and I won't be here to help her. It breaks my heart knowing that in a way my dying will let her down. I have always been the strong dependable parent in her life and I hate this for her.
4. My daughter - If you know her, if you know me, then you know her struggles. And I promised her I'd not say things that "could cause problems" and I won't. But I will say that this is one of the areas in life where I have felt let down by God. I trusted so much in the College that she was attending. I trusted the people that were in positions of power over her, her leaders, etc, and I shouldn't have. I will always regret guiding her to pick that school when Mount St. Mary's was the place she wanted to attend. It's hard to forgive myself on steering her towards a place that broke her emotionally, physically and academically. I know she "may" read this, and I hope she knows that the one light in this is that through this pain and suffering she has found her own faith (not the one of her parents - but hers) and has found her purpose in God. Also, I want her to know that my Oncologist (you know Brittany the guy that went to Harvard Med) says that it is unrealistic and unheard of for a 3.5 not to get into Graduate School - he said take some more biology courses when you get home and shoot for Medical School). It is just stupidly unjust to deny an A/B student admission because it's the in-thing to have straight A's - talk about the world having unrealistic expectations - and we wonder about the current suicide rate of Millennials.
And with it all - my heart is just heavy, broken and in need of a break - so I went dark - very dark and all I wanted was to escape this onslaught of pain and confusion. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I was opening the door for Satan. However, I took my focus off of God. I stopped walking in a belief of healing. I started doubting and feeling fear - and Satan jumped right in. I didn't even know I was dancing with him until all of sudden I no longer heard or saw Jesus. I just saw nothing. I felt nothing. I wanted nothing, and with that Satan had victory.
Tuesday, Kisha looked at me and (girl you know you yelled) called me out. She was having none of this darkness. She reminded me that I stopped walking in belief of my healing, that I started having fear, that I was the one that let me down - not God. And she's right. I did. I stopped believing in the Victory I claimed in Jesus' name back February 2019. Carrie joked when I said I didn't know what to pray - to go back to the "Hello God, It's Me Margaret" attitude. And to the rest of them, that night was kind of a blur, that said "It's okay to be Angry at God - it's okay to yell and let it out" - thank you. I did that this morning. I simply said, "God I am so Angry, but thank you for the beautiful blue sky" - it's the best I can do right this moment.
Tuesday night, with the smallest amount of Faith that I think I've ever had, I sat on my bed, closed my eyes and said...Okay God, I am here and I am open to communicate. Within a couple of minutes, I received a (very late night for them) text from my Sister, Kim and my Friend, Beverly. Both of them sent encouraging and blessed messages. I know that was from God. It may not be the direct one-on-one communication that I once had, but it's a start. I won't lie to you all, I am not over this, I am not standing firm in the light, not yet, but I am starting to see light, not feel like I am in a fog. My doctor's appointment yesterday was neither good or bad - and I think that might be where I am at this moment that write to you, I am neither full of hope nor full of doubt. I know that if this is my last hurrah on earth, than I have a lot to do before that time comes, and I'd like these remaining days, months (years) to be filled with positive and not be a drag of negative.
The Devil's playlist and dance hasn't completely gone away - it's still there - but the music is now less melodic. I can now at least open my eyes and see it for what it is. That is a start in this fight I am in to reclaim my body, mind and soul and place it firmly in the hands of Jesus. I am hopeful that "hope" and "love" will return and replace "dread" and "fear".
I know so many of my fellow cancer fighters and friends that battle anxiety and depression are in similar states of darkness and I pray - Lord this world is hard, this world is crazy, I know I let you down each and every day with my lack of faith, lack of hope, lack of praise. God, I am so thankful that even when I can't fully open up to you, when I can't cling to you, when I am afraid of being let down, when I am frightened that my closeness to you opens up attacks on Brittany, when I am angry that you took all my parents, when I am hurt that I am facing this monster called cancer, feeling alone...I am thankful...that you know all of this, that you see all of this and even though I can't see it and don't understand it, I know (here's that mustard seed thing), I know that you are here with me, reaching out to me, and that your light Jesus, even that tiny little shred of light in the darkness, is enough to pull me, guard me and fight for me. I know that you love me, and this season of "hell" is just a season and you are using this to your good, and that through this suffering somehow you will get glory.
My hope is that each of you knows how deeply I love you and want nothing but the best for each of you. Through these truths, I am hopeful that you know you are not alone, I am not alone, and we must stand together in faith to defeat the enemy, an enemy that is so real, but only powerful when we give him the power. Let's not give him anymore power.
In peace and love,
April
Scripture to help:
Ecclesiastes 4:12 "a person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
Links:
Cancer and Depression:
Isolation and the Devil:
this blog
