The Diagnosis

This picture was taken before any doctor appointment or test. This was the last weekend before those began. I had had my routine exam which which lead my PCP to start ordering test. That picture really says a lot. That day was a long awaited visit with my childhood best-friend. I had confided with her over lunch that I was nervous about the upcoming test. She laughed with me, cried with me and of course smiled with me. So this is me before cancer! (well kind of - because I had had the cancer for a while).

My testing went like this: July 2nd week: Vaginal Ultrasound (which took 1 week to get results back), July 3rd week: met with another doctor to discuss Ultrasound (the finding was ????  maybe I just had ovarian cyst, maybe I had a fibroid, and there was this weird deterioration of my Uterine lining). She felt I was candidate for a regular Hysterectomy and that wold clear it all up. But she wanted to do a Biopsy first. July 4th week: had biopsy (no one prepared me for the pain - my cervix was dilated as if I was half way through contractions. After the biopsy, the doctor said "looks good, one little polyp, but I think we actually may be able to get away with just an ablation." I left there thinking maybe I had dodged a huge bullet.

Then the "email message from that doctor - 4 days later" - "your results have thrown a monkey wrench into our plans, please make an appointment". 

I honestly didn't even need her tell me the actual results. I already had done my research and knew that the biopsy could only come back 3 ways (clear, hyperplasia (which would have meant a Hysterectomy or Ablation) or cancer). I cried.

I got in to see her four days later. She came into the room with a smile on her face and said "you've got cancer, but it's the good kind and it'll be no big thing". I held it together and made my way to my car and just sobbed. I wasn't even 44 yet and I had cancer. I kept running through my mind all the what-if's and should-haves. The bad thing was that I knew my daughter was on her way to my work, which is where I was heading, to pick something up from me. She knew I had the appointment and as soon as she saw me and before I could say anything I started crying...she just hugged me.

You know some cancers are easy to find, grade and stage. Some require surgery to find out those things. Here I was the first week of August knowing I had cancer, but no knowing how bad, and I wouldn't know any of that until after surgery which was scheduled for September 5, 2018. I lived one whole month living every emotion one has when they get the diagnosis. I lived one whole month denying myself prayer, because I felt ashamed, unworthy, scared and alone. I felt that there was no way GOD wanted any part of this mess.

Even though I didn't know it in those 4 weeks, I know it now and that is this simple truth: God knew. He knew I was going to be sick. He knew before my first symptom. He knew before that woman smiled at me and said "you've got cancer" - he knew.

"Nothing in all creation is hidden from GOD. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable." Hebrews 4:13

and he did what he does for all of us...he waited for me to check my worldly self, to lose my hardness, to lose my independence and find him.

"Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore he waits on high to have compassion on you for the Lord is a GOD of justice; how blessed are all those who long for him" "Isaiah 30:18

April

PS: here is a link to Information on testing for Cervical/Ovarian/Uterine Cancers, if in doubt ask for a test today:

Transvaginal Ultrasound: https://www.cancer.gov/publications/dictionaries/cancer-terms/def/transvaginal-ultrasound

Pap smear: https://www.cancer.gov/publications/dictionaries/cancer-terms/def/pap-smear

CA-125 Blood Test: https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/ca-125-test/about/pac-20393295

Vaginal Biopsy: https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/colposcopy/about/pac-20385036

Provisions

In those months when I was being stubborn about seeing a doctor, my friend Jenny became my comfort and wisdom. I leaned on her a lot for distractions, information and care. You'd never know I was the older one in our pair, she was wise and informative beyond her years.

Due to her husband's job, they moved in May, 2018, right when my pain started to get bad. I hid my pain from most everyone, but Jenny knew something was wrong with me. She was on me about getting in to see the doctor and I actually had my July appointment scheduled before she moved.

Jenny knew that my heart had been hurt bad in my marriage and in relationships. I had given up on ever meeting anyone good. Jenny was so worried that when she left, I'd be alone and no one would make me "do things" or that I'd become a hermit. She asked me to try dating one more time.

I decided I'd give myself 12 "first" dates, and if I could not meet a worthy human being within 12, then I was not meant to find anyone. So date by date, I was proven right. I remember the day that #12 contacted me on the disgusting dating app. I sent him a "thumbs-up" and he in return sent the same. He actually messaged me first and the chat was clean, light and relaxing. He asked me to meet him for dinner that night.  In my mind, I had already written him off, after all I only had to make it through dinner to close the book on dating for good....but...he made me laugh.

Turns out Mark was a keeper from date one. He was grounded, morally disciplined and had a good sense of humor. So that one date turned into quite a few more...and then two months later, CANCER.

On the day I was diagnosed I told him he could leave and I would not hold that against him, after all, he didn't sign up for a sick person when we met. But he dug his heels in and was by my side for all the testing, appointments and pre-surgery stuff.  He was working out of the country when I had my surgery, but he checked in on me all the time.

During one of those nights after surgery, my best friend, Heather, looked at me and said "he's your provision"  - that God had put him in my path right at the moment in time when I was going to need someone to carry me. Sounds crazy, because I was a very fierce independent woman and all of a sudden I was someone that needed a lot of care. She was right, because he was there for chemotherapy, he saw me in days and nights after chemotherapy (when most of my friends didn't see the mess), he was there when I needed a Frosty, because it was the only thing I could handle. He was there to buy my prescriptions when I could no longer afford them. He was there loving on me even when I could do nothing but look at him, because I had no energy.

He was there the nights when I would throw myself into the bible looking for hope, he was there when I cried for two straight weeks (telling him to leave because I was going to die), he was there at the wee hours of the morning in the emergency room (when my incision split open).

Now - before anyone says anything, I know that God was there at all of those moments too, but God put an earthly human there in my path to love me, care for me and put up with me, because God knew I was going to need to lean in on someone.

So all of you being diagnosed today, that are scared, that are alone, that are thinking how will i do this, trust in the LORD, because he has already given you your provision. Maybe you are like me and you aren't recognizing what is in front of you, but now is the time you really need to have FAITH. Trust, believe and don't let go of that...for God has always been there, ready and able to meet your needs!

Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

God bless!

Signs and Not Listening

Whether you believe in divine intervention, signs from God, or you believe in intuition. When your body speaks, it's from somewhere and we are meant to listen to it.

I DIDN'T

In October 2017, I had a very terrifying menstrual episode that was so horrific, I called people I knew in the medical field to get them to ease my mind, "maybe it was pre-menopause, hormonal, etc." Although each of them said I should go see the doctor, I heard them say, "but yes that could be pre-menopause" What I didn't hear was their concern, their worry, their "but you are too young". I heard what I wanted to hear, because I was AFRAID.

At the time that this was going on, I was far away from my Faith and definitely far away from any morals I had established for myself back when I was walking (or trying) with Jesus. In so many ways I was failing to follow God's word and also failing to listen to the warning that my temple was falling.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies"

I was so far from that. I was eating what I wanted. I was giving myself excuses to not work out. I was delighting my flesh by temporary "hook-ups" that eased the pain I felt at being alone, my grief I felt from losing my parents, my spouse and that feeling of empty-nesting that I didn't want.

So on that night that the first cancer sign presented itself to me, I knew something was wrong. I knew that bleeding that amount, in an unending flow, with pain that was relentless, was not right. But I was AFRAID. I was afraid of being sick, of having my small inconsequential life upset by medical issues. I was barely surviving financially, but I was doing it month-to-month and had PRIDE in the fact that I was surviving ALONE. So I ignored those signs.

Then November, December and January I was fine, no episodes and I thought, whew I dodged a bullet. Then February was so bad that I did make an appointment to see my Doctor in April of 2018. Unfortunately she had to reschedule me and I didn't get seen until July, 2018. Because I didn't see the urgency of being seen, after all in my head I was fine (despite all the signs that I wasn't).

In this time, I never once PRAYED! I felt so far removed from GOD, so unworthy of his love, his grace, that I didn't even seek it.

Fear is not ever a thought/feeling/emotion we are supposed to feel, because GOD says (all over the Bible) but for this I'll use this:

Psalms 23:4 "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.:

Yet, being so broken and living a life out of God's plan, I didn't believe and I didn't pray, I just stayed AFRAID and suffered.

Lesson - don't let fear prevent you from listening and seeing the signs we are given every day. Our bodies are Temples of the Lord, so if there is something wrong with your temple, there will be a sign.

For more on signs and symptoms of cancer, please visit:

https://www.cancer.org/

God Bless!

Introduction

Good morning!

My name is April. I am 44 and a cancer survivor (for like 1 month). This Blog is about my journey, my speed bumps, my discoveries and my joy!

This isn't a disclaimer, because disclaimers are to satisfy that your words can't be taken out of context, or found offensive. There's only ONE reason I am writing this today, Jesus. My faith is in him and through him I am saved, on this earth and in heaven. My Blog is about how my broken faith was made whole and in that process, so was my body.

I hope each of you has a very blessed day!