The Diagnosis

This picture was taken before any doctor appointment or test. This was the last weekend before those began. I had had my routine exam which which lead my PCP to start ordering test. That picture really says a lot. That day was a long awaited visit with my childhood best-friend. I had confided with her over lunch that I was nervous about the upcoming test. She laughed with me, cried with me and of course smiled with me. So this is me before cancer! (well kind of - because I had had the cancer for a while).

My testing went like this: July 2nd week: Vaginal Ultrasound (which took 1 week to get results back), July 3rd week: met with another doctor to discuss Ultrasound (the finding was ????  maybe I just had ovarian cyst, maybe I had a fibroid, and there was this weird deterioration of my Uterine lining). She felt I was candidate for a regular Hysterectomy and that wold clear it all up. But she wanted to do a Biopsy first. July 4th week: had biopsy (no one prepared me for the pain - my cervix was dilated as if I was half way through contractions. After the biopsy, the doctor said "looks good, one little polyp, but I think we actually may be able to get away with just an ablation." I left there thinking maybe I had dodged a huge bullet.

Then the "email message from that doctor - 4 days later" - "your results have thrown a monkey wrench into our plans, please make an appointment". 

I honestly didn't even need her tell me the actual results. I already had done my research and knew that the biopsy could only come back 3 ways (clear, hyperplasia (which would have meant a Hysterectomy or Ablation) or cancer). I cried.

I got in to see her four days later. She came into the room with a smile on her face and said "you've got cancer, but it's the good kind and it'll be no big thing". I held it together and made my way to my car and just sobbed. I wasn't even 44 yet and I had cancer. I kept running through my mind all the what-if's and should-haves. The bad thing was that I knew my daughter was on her way to my work, which is where I was heading, to pick something up from me. She knew I had the appointment and as soon as she saw me and before I could say anything I started crying...she just hugged me.

You know some cancers are easy to find, grade and stage. Some require surgery to find out those things. Here I was the first week of August knowing I had cancer, but no knowing how bad, and I wouldn't know any of that until after surgery which was scheduled for September 5, 2018. I lived one whole month living every emotion one has when they get the diagnosis. I lived one whole month denying myself prayer, because I felt ashamed, unworthy, scared and alone. I felt that there was no way GOD wanted any part of this mess.

Even though I didn't know it in those 4 weeks, I know it now and that is this simple truth: God knew. He knew I was going to be sick. He knew before my first symptom. He knew before that woman smiled at me and said "you've got cancer" - he knew.

"Nothing in all creation is hidden from GOD. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable." Hebrews 4:13

and he did what he does for all of us...he waited for me to check my worldly self, to lose my hardness, to lose my independence and find him.

"Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore he waits on high to have compassion on you for the Lord is a GOD of justice; how blessed are all those who long for him" "Isaiah 30:18

April

PS: here is a link to Information on testing for Cervical/Ovarian/Uterine Cancers, if in doubt ask for a test today:

Transvaginal Ultrasound: https://www.cancer.gov/publications/dictionaries/cancer-terms/def/transvaginal-ultrasound

Pap smear: https://www.cancer.gov/publications/dictionaries/cancer-terms/def/pap-smear

CA-125 Blood Test: https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/ca-125-test/about/pac-20393295

Vaginal Biopsy: https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/colposcopy/about/pac-20385036