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Living with Purpose

 
(My first dog as a child, Snuffy the beagle - my childhood purpose was to spend everyday with her in the back yard, she was special, my first love and my first taste of responsibility and obedience, she needed me to obey my parent's request that I feed her and give her water every day. I didn't let her down, and when I did, my father was right behind me to remind me of what I had not done, giving me a chance, even if it was at 11:00 p.m. at night to make it right!)

LIVING WITH PURPOSE

What a week it has been for all. I am sure some of you have lived in a state of anxiety with the uncertainty of what is to come for our country. I found myself in prayer a lot these last few weeks. As many of you know, I had some bad news from my last Pet Scan that required a Bone Scan to affirm or disprove the Pet Scan, in that my cancer had metastasized to the bones. After a few anguished weeks, I got the results that I am fine, other than some degenerative changes to my bones (ie: onset of Arthritis). I also want to point out that the entire time I was in the bone scan tube, I talked to God. I was in there for hours. I do not have the gift of speaking in tongues, but I caught myself calling God by several of his names, and I did this unconsciously. I am not sure if me recognizing him as the God of all is what helped, but I do know that at the time I was calling out all of his names is the time they were going in deep at the spots that had previously been “hot”. Just words for thought.  Know all of God!

In the days and weeks of not knowing if this “was it” for me, I dug deep, but my exploration of faith was probably not what most of you would imagine. I wanted to see if I could learn or discern anything about “life after death” – as in what exactly happens to us after our last breath here on Earth. After countless articles and videos, I came to one simple conclusion: What happens to our existence, our souls, our spirit, is the last and possibly the greatest mystery of life. As a Christian, I have faith-based beliefs as to the existence of Heaven and Jesus, but what that will be like, well that is an unknown. I can tell you that of all the things I read and saw, the majority of them had one similar experience, a peaceful light feeling, one of no pain, no sadness and complete love. Getting to that conclusion gave me peace. But I still wanted to know more.

So, I went to the bible (I know Heather – should have started there), and I read verses that most biblical scholars associate with death and soul. Even in them, depending on the author and the time it was written, differ in bits. The Old Testament does not really describe a Hell, the New Testament does, but not in graphic detail until after Jesus has died and resurrected from the Cross. I decided to only look at Jesus’ experience with death (not his death). His death is something all together different from us mere humans, he died for us, the ultimate sacrifice. So, for us, I looked at his conversation with his disciples and the Pharisees.

In Matthew 17:2, Jesus is on the Mountain talking with Moses and Elijah. Moses and Elijah are not in fleshly human form but are still recognizable to the three disciples with him as Moses and Elijah.  Jesus himself transforms on the Mountain into a version of himself, but one that looks more spiritual than human. In his confrontation with the Pharisees, they ask him about a wife as property in heaven, since she had been married to all the brothers of a family, which brother would she be the wife of in heaven. Jesus informs them that heaven is not like that. It is my opinion having read that, that Jesus is saying that upon death and resurrection into heaven, we are “us” only our earthly and fleshly desires and interest will be gone and in it’s place will be peace and love and service of God and that’s it. We will not exist in heaven to continue an earthly path, but to complete heavenly tasks. Again, part of the mystery that is only unveiled to us at death.

Later in scripture Jesus raises his beloved friend Lazarus from the dead. But see we only know he is dead, because of the human reactions around him, because Jesus never once acts, speaks or behaves in a manner that makes us think that Lazarus is dead, to Jesus he is just asleep. Jesus wakes him from this deep sleep and resurrects life into his friend. This makes me think that we too, upon death (sleep) will be awoken (resurrected) in heaven, and it will be like no time has passed from one event to the next. We simply will be.

Lastly, I have the opinion that our reunion in heaven with Jesus and God is not something that only happens after the great Judgment of the Earth (Revelations). I came to this conclusion by one simple verse, Luke 23:39-43. In this passage, we find that one of the thieves (that has done nothing right in his life – per his words), finds that Jesus is without fault and confesses one singular thought before his passing, he says “Jesus, remember me when you come into your Kingdom?”.  This is a simple statement of belief, belief that Jesus is indeed the Son of God. Jesus then tells the thief, “Truly I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise”. First off, what a statement of reward for just simply believing with your whole mind, body, and soul that Jesus is the Messiah!!! But even more importantly, it clearly shows that Jesus anticipates being reunited with that thief that very day in Heaven. Wow, that is a big confirmation of what happens to us upon death.

I again am in a state of reprieve from treatments and poking and prodding and scans. I will enjoy these next three months with a lot of love, freedom, and peace. It does sadden me when I hear of others that have died from cancer, and here I am still doing relatively well. I cannot explain how and why that is so different from one person to the next. I am choosing to believe that it has to do with fulfillment of purpose. I still have no real clue as to what my purpose is here on earth, but apparently, I have not completed it. I saw an interview last night with Alex Trebek, who died on November 8th.  He said two things that really struck me as amazing thoughts to have while suffering from cancer. One was that dying slowly from cancer allows one to see what their impact has been on others, because people send cards, letters, emails, texts letting you know what they think. He said most people are already dead before people speak from the heart. Second he said that he has the joy of living these past few months with no regrets, fully focusing on what means most to him, his family, his friends and his charities, that he has had time to write a book and donate all the proceeds to the charities he loves. He did something with the gift of “small time”. It was perspective. It was genuine love of life. It was genuine appreciation of prayer.

For me, I believe my purpose may be to share knowledge and thoughts, with these blogs and the website I am working on. I know some people that read the bible and cannot understand the words or have to take them out of context for them to make sense (or to fit their belief system). Not so for me, the words jump from the pages, the meaning so simple to understand, and I am thinking maybe in this time of turmoil and anxiety, maybe I am meant to show you that the entire word of God can be summed up with one small four-letter word, LOVE.

Hate to say this, but some people in the world are not practicing LOVE. Many are not very understanding and sympathetic to their fellow mankind. Many judge first, then throw in a word or two, completely out of context, of God as if that alone can change the world. I think not.  To be honest, I think everyone needs to read Daniel, Ezekiel, Job, Isiah, and Revelations. Each of these books are hard to read, not because the language is hard, but the context is disturbing. It shows an angry wrathful God, that has had it with mankind living in sin and making a mockery of his laws. He sends message after message to them, and still they do not stop, they do not repent, they do not fall to their knees. So, he tells them he will destroy them, but not all, he will leave a remnant, and that remnant he will forgive, make peace with, restore and redeem and he will love them once again.  Each prophet tells of horrible things to come, yet each tells of the promise of redemption and love that only God has.

I saw a documentary recently about a man that killed his entire family. His mother spoke at his sentencing and said these words…”I will never know why you have done these things, but I want you to know I love you and I forgive you.” WOW – that is a powerful statement.  That is God’s mercy. He will never understand why we purposely disobey him day after day, but he loves us, and he will forgive us.

Next week, I plan to talk about dreams, and will have a guest writer who is better equipped to discuss dreams and spirituality of dreams.

As always, be safe, keep to the word, and let the hope of Jesus rest in your heart.

 

Love, A

 

Don’t have your own bible – check this out:

https://www.esv.org/

 

Want to find your own bible study – look at what I found online:

https://www.google.com/search?q=free+online+bible+study&rlz=1C1GGRV_enUS751US751&oq=free+online+bible+study&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l7.4735j0j4&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

 

Lastly, I encourage everyone to find a body to fit in with – I am talking a church, a bible study, anything that get’s you excited to learn about God. Go to Google and type “Christian churches near me” – if you live in the 23434 – here’s your search:

https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1GGRV_enUS751US751&sxsrf=ALeKk00_G3jSER3Qwz6WB4dUTYXfzKNYKA%3A1605039520159&ei=oPWqX7KbCa_U5gL7tILAAQ&q=christian+churches+near+me&oq=christian+chur&gs_lcp=CgZwc3ktYWIQARgAMgUIABDJAzIFCAAQsQMyCAguEMcBEK8BMgIIADICCAAyAggAMgIIADIICC4QxwEQrwEyAggAMgIIADoFCAAQkQI6CAgAELEDEIMBOgsILhCxAxDHARCjAjoECCMQJzoECC4QJzoHCAAQyQMQQzoFCC4QkQI6BAgAEEM6BAguEEM6BwguECcQkwI6BwgAELEDEEM6CAguELEDEIMBOggIABCxAxCRAjoICC4QxwEQowJQ5PAFWNiDBmDImAZoAHABeAGAAaECiAHpDpIBBjEuMTIuMZgBAKABAaoBB2d3cy13aXrAAQE&sclient=psy-ab

 

 

 

Blessings from Cancer

 

(throwback from many Halloweens ago - I think I'm a witch, lol)

Blessings from Cancer 

Two years ago, when I started this Blog, the title was inspired by God. It is what I felt lead to call this. I felt that my storm (cancer) was temporary and there were blessings to be found in the path of the unwanted storm.

Fast forward two years and I am at the first step of another huge mountain, another storm, another “possible” dance with Cancer. I will know soon enough if what the doctor thinks he sees is what he sees, or if its just a blip and nothing to it. I’ve yet to receive any real long positive news from the doctors since day one. So, my hope is not in them, but in my Lord and Savior, Jesus.

I had such a pity party for myself last week after talking to the doctor. I thought well this is it. This is how it ends. And it may just be the beginning of my end here on earth, but I forgot about the blessings, after all that is what God told me to call this blog. I had failed him yet again. Again, and again I wallowed in fear, anger, and doubt. Then I heard a podcast yesterday that OPENED my ears and eyes. I truly had failed, but not God, I had failed myself. God said from day one, I got you.  And I chose to live two years with a lot of fear and at least a handful of doubt.

You know, I know there are a lot of Christians we can name that were healed and remained on this earth for a long time (God healed them hear, and maybe that’s because they still have a purpose) and then there are the same number, if not more, that were healed upon death in heaven. This is all by God’s design, his will. If my purpose has been fulfilled, God will call me home. If not, then I will walk these seasons of storms, brief reprise, storm, brief reprise until I am done. My only job here, is to hold on tight to what I believe, walk in my faith, and love with my whole heart until it stops beating. That is it.

I am a nerd, and my Lord knows how my brain works, he knows that I am like “doubting Thomas”, I require research and knowledge. I have spent the better part of a week, listening to people that have had “near death experiences” or “encounters with God”. The spectrum of thought and understanding is vast, and it would be hard to take one experience as the “truth” over the next. I have read and re-read the bible and have tried to find what God says about death. Truth is, it is the one mystery we cannot know here on earth. We can speculate, we can try to find “between the line meanings” in scripture. But I am choosing to only see it from some of the last words spoken by Christ my King. On the Cross, when the thief claimed him to be the Christ and for him to remember him when he reigns in Heaven. Jesus says (and it is this that I am holding on to – and nothing else) “TRULY I SAY TO YOU, TODAY YOU WILL BE WITH ME IN PARADISE”. That’s it, a thief that has spent his life being a horrible human makes the confession of simple faith in Christ, and he is forgiven of it all, and will be with Jesus that same night in heaven. Is that not the most beautiful statement in the bible?

I do not know what hell is like if it is a place of torment or a place of total isolation and void. I do not know if God’s Grace is huge (simple faith) or if it requires bigger acts. I believe my soul is saved; Jesus has shown me in at least 4 visions over the past two years, images that do not make me feel my soul isn’t saved. I know there’s so much more I need to do, so much more I am capable of, even if my flesh and bones t are decaying from the inside out, I have a mind, I have a heart that years for nothing more than to be welcomed at the Gates of Heaven. Nothing else matters. 

So back to this blog being named “Blessings from Cancer” – well I am going to try to find the joy in whatever time is left for me on this planet – and count these blessings.

Here is the biggest blessing I can count from having terminal cancer. I have time to make amends, find my faith and say my goodbyes. Many people will die with no warning, and they will not have the second chance that God gives to us that suffer a chronic deadly disease. So, although I will suffer longer on earth, I have the time (a gift) to get it right before death. That is a huge gift, an amazing blessing. I am so loved that the Lord is allowing me a long retirement party! It is beautiful. What I do with this gift is on me. Right now, I am only focusing on the Joy.

I started writing this last week and meant to finish it last week. However, work and my needing time to go deep with God was my priority. I hit my knees last week for the first time in many months, I prayed for me. Many of you may pray for yourselves daily, but my prayers tend to be for others. Then I had that bone scan on Thursday and for the five hours I was in the tube, I talked to God the entire time. Guess what happened…

No cancer!  I will not say that this is God directly answering my prayer, but I will say it feels like it to me. Talk about joy, to get a longer reprieve from this disease is more than a blessing, it is a gift. Now what do I do with this gift?  I told Jesus to use me! So we will see where he takes me.

Love you all!


Scriptures that inspired this post:

Jeremiah 17:14 "Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise".

Luke 6:19 "And the people all tried to touch him, because power was coming from him and healing them all".

Jeremiah 30:17 "But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord". 

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest". 


Links for help if you need it:

https://www.stephenministries.org/cancernowwhat/default.cfm/1615?mnb=1

https://www.cancerfightersthrive.com/cancer-care-ministries/

https://www.ourjourneyofhope.com/


P.S.  If you don't vote on Tuesday, November 3, 2020, than you don't have the right to complain the next four years. Vote, don't vote - that is your decision, but please respect everyone's right to vote and to have an opinion. May we all keep civility and peace in our hearts this week. 



 


The Uncertain Path

Asking for prayers and verses. My 3-month scan is tomorrow. I would love to say that I am the most secure Christian and in my walk with Christ, that I have no fear or anxiety, but that is a lie. Truth is the uncertainty of everything is a bit daunting and overwhelming. I am not ready for this life and fight to be over with, at the same time, I never did get all of me from the last round of treatments. My Doctor is aware at how nervous I get, so he originally scheduled an appointment to see me on Friday, but he needed a vacation from his patients (can’t blame him) and now I won’t see him or know my results until October 28th.

I know this is a huge test of my patience, my faith, my beliefs, and my resolve. These weeks are going to be a challenge, the devil will use them to try and convince me that I am on death’s door, that I am too weak to handle what comes my way. I have been here before. I know his tricks and I know the weakness of my mind. I will probably see one cancer commercial after another the next two weeks. This is when I notice them more.

There are songs I will listen to, to bring me back to God’s love and hope, and that will last all of four to five minutes. I will read the bible, but this is when I’ll see verses about God’s resolve to destroy us because of our wickedness and sin (I am in the Prophets and Revelations). I do not like what’s about to happen to my mind.

And that dreaded scan, it takes an hour for the radioactive dye to settle into my body so they can light me up like a Christmas tree. Since my cancer is in my lymph system, they will scan me head to mid-thigh, which takes about 40 minutes. Laying still in a tight tube for 40 minutes is not exactly easy. I usually spend the entire time talking to Jesus, always hopeful that he will have mercy on me.

So here I am asking everyone to inbox me with verses to get me through two weeks of dread, asking for things to do to occupy my mind, and asking for prayers. I have heard if I get through this scan with no cancer growth, my next scan will be in 6 months – that may not sound like much to any healthy person, but 6 months to a person battling cancer is beyond a blessing, it’s time to live without treatment, without fear, without panic, it’s 6 months to live. 

I even feel a bit selfish asking for the prayers and thoughts, because I have pulled away from everyone, it's what I do before these scans. I guess in some weird way I feel it protects me, but I know it just opens me up for harder hits from Satan. When I need everyone the most, is when I go silent. I don't know why. 

I have told myself no more tears, no matter what happens, I am not wasting one more tear on this disease. It is what it is, I am one of millions of people suffering from Cancer. Each of us will have our own unique journey and experience, but through it all, we all will suffer some emotional trauma, bodily aches, and social stigmas.

Love you all!

 

 

Run Wild Run Free - Happy 2nd Year

 

RUN WILD RUN FREE- HAPPY 2ND YEAR

 

It is my special time of year. Yes, August is the month in which I was born, but this month has always been special to my heart for many reasons. Now this month has so much more meaning, that it is almost a magical month to me.

So many of the people that I love and have cherished memories with were born in this month. My Aunt Aleta, my Cousin Jeremy, my Niece Alex, my Brother-in-law Scott, my Grandmother Evelyn, my Friend Amiee and my Best-Friend Heather. This month was always one big celebration, my mother would always make a big Strawberry cake for my birthday and we would always have her spaghetti with meat and mushroom sauce. Maybe it is because this month also represented the end of summer and the start of a new school year, that this month also was always a big renewal for me.

This month now also represents my “diagnosis” month. I was diagnosed in August 2018 with cancer. I have fought this monster for two years. I no longer see this as my 46th trip around the sun, but as my 2nd year of the biggest gift of all…Life. God is so much more present in my life these past two years than in the 44 years that preceded it. I find myself at a huge intersection right now. My magical month is now my wake-up call.

I am a survivor! I am a survivor! I am a fighter! I am a fighter! – and there is so much more to me than the pages that have been written so far. I got to thinking this morning, what am I practicing? I have this knowledge of God. I speak words of Jesus. I feel him in my heart, but what part of faith am I actively practicing. NOTHING. I am not actively practicing my faith. I am reading, praying, and speaking my faith, but I have not felt like I have been active with my faith. Who have brought to God? Who have I helped? Who have I influenced? I cannot for the life of me think of one person.

This Covid19 season and season of protest and unrest has made me feel very alone and isolated. After all we are supposed to be social distancing, but I cannot sit still anymore. I cannot let my faith be dormant any longer.  I honestly cannot say I have a clue as to what God wants from me, but I know he has called me to move. He has not rescued me from the grips of cancer just to have me sit in a chair and waist this gift.  I have some amazing friends that have very special gifts from God. Some of them have gifts of prophecy and some of them see things getting so bad in the coming days. I could choose to stockpile, hide out and prepare for the absolute worse to come. But I want to choose hope. I want to choose promises. I want to choose faith. I do not know what God’s plan is in all of this, I just know that today he told me to move. He nudged me to be active in my knowledge. To do things with my what I have learned.

I need to connect with people. We need to be together. We need to encourage one another. We need to love one another and that cannot be done by being separated and alone. The longer we go without being active in one another’s lives the more we start to lose the feelings that matter most: compassion, empathy, love, care, and most of all JOY!

Help me celebrate this magic month – help me by becoming active in anything that your heart calls or leads you to do. Help others. Stay active in each other’s lives. Care more about your neighbor’s well-being than what is on TV. Get up, get out and move.

Today I am without the pains and debilitation of cancer. Tomorrow is what tomorrow is meant to be. I will stop worrying and pondering about tomorrow. I will focus on today and today – we need to move. We need to be active in our faith.

I am praying for you all. I love you all!

 

God bless,

 

April


Here are some links that I help kick off the cobwebs!


The Book of James

https://www.tracesoffaith.com/blog/2019/02/five-ways-james-encourages-us-to-have-an-active-faith.html

https://www.life.church/media/pray/active-in-sharing-your-faith/

https://www.ligonier.org/learn/devotionals/moving-out-faith/


Search:  Local Faith based missions - find one you like!

Sweet Surrender

The Sweet Surrender



The world that we live in is going through a rocky and turbulent season. I do not think any of us know for sure how this will all play out. I for one am guilty of spending too much time in this season filled with worry and doubt and unwarranted stress. It has been one tumbling block after another, my health, my grief, my daughter’s broken body, Covid19, continued injustices of our fellow brothers and sisters of Christ, and just a very evil world. I, like many of you, found myself glued to a never-ending news cycles of doom and gloom.

I started reading and seeking knowledge from the bible, from Christian scholars and from level-minded scientist, to try and find some sort of grip on this season of chaos. My tipping point was a conversation with my child. I realized that my anger and confusion was seeping through every area of life and I PRAYED for guidance and help.

I was mad, angry and had a feeling of unease. I prayed, “Lord this is not what I want, but if it is what you want than let it be.” Just saying those words opened my mind to hearing sermons and finding scriptures that fit this moment of chaos. SURRENDER IT TO GOD. I was reminded that my daughter is a blessing from God (a gift) and that it is my job to love, cherish, teach, and prepare that gift for becoming her own person. I was reminded by Paul’s letters that this gift is only for a short time, that she is the possession of God. I was reminded that every season under the sun is planned, purposed, and watched over by God. That with each chaotic moment, if we focus on the Lord, we will see the meaning, we will see the purpose, we will see how it is meant to awaken us, shape us and prepare us for the next season.

I found sweet surrender, “letting go and letting God”. That phase has been around for a long time; however, I never knew that the “letting go” the “surrender” is a hard practice of obedience. I think each of us Christians, considers ourselves to be obedient to the Lord. Are we? To be obedient to the Lord means letting go of your ideas, your agendas, your plans and accepting God’s planned purpose for your life. True obedience is hard. And looking around at this season that we are in, I can definitely see that we have not been obedient to the Lord, we have not put his planned purposes before our own agendas, we have not adhered to the simple instructions of Jesus. In Jesus’ last days on earth, as he was trying so hard to get it all out to the disciples, he condensed his message, his hope, his commandment to these simple words…Love One Another as I Love You! To know Jesus is to love Jesus, to love Jesus is to love one another, to love one another is to surrender to the Lord’s planned purpose of your life. We are here to worship, praise, and love!!!! That is it.

Surrendering is so sweet. To look at the sky, the birds, the trees, the flowers and see Christ in all things and to accept that as he has prepared and provided for each of those things, he too has prepared and provided for us and he will deliver us from this evil. All we need to do is surrender to his will and be obedient.

I read an article the other day about “the end times” and it compared such times to a puzzle. That when we put a puzzle together, we start with the edges and work ourselves in. He laid out the edges and opined how the inner pieces are starting to come together. I like you cannot predict what day Jesus will come back for us, but I know that in the interim it falls on us Christians to spread the good news of Jesus and to surrender to his planned purpose for our lives.

I thought I’d write this blog about my thoughts and feelings towards the Quarantine or the Black Lives Matter movement, but all those things and more are covered by the love, grace and saving granted to us by Christ. To be a Christian is to love. So, anyone out there living with hate in their heart…not so sure they are saved or can call themselves a child of Christ. He loved us all. He accepted us all. He died for us all.

Enjoy your sweet surrender to Christ! Be kind to one another! Live in Love and Grace!

 

Article on end-times preparedness 

Truth for life Podcast/blog on children

Article on racism and Christianity

Article on being alone (Quarantine) and seeking Jesus

Scriptures: 

James 4:7 Submit yourselves to God, Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus told his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Esther 4:14 Perhaps you were born for such a time as this.

John 13:34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 

1 John 4:20 If anyone says, I love God, and hates his brother, he is a liar, for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. 

Quotes:

Martin Luther King - "There comes a time when silence is betrayal". 

Mandisa - "We all bleed the same, we're more beautiful when we come together"

King Solomon: "to show partiality in judging is not good" - Proverbs 24:23

Slow Dancing with the Devil


Slow Dancing with the Devil

      I know that the title is shocking, and you will just have to read this with an understanding that sometimes in life, darkness surrounds us. 

     There's no other way to start this, than by being up front and honest, my faith has been shaken, my heart has been broken, my resolve has been tested and I could not be more raw than I am right now. I guess I really haven't handled my step-dad's death well. And given that I was diagnosed with recurring Stage IV cancer only one week before he got sick, began chemo again on his birthday, four days after he died, well I guess I never dealt with it. I guess there is still some underlying anger going on in my head. I guess I am so whip lashed at the constant attack on my body, my mind and my soul - not to mention the attacks on the one good thing I've done, my daughter. That I now find myself swimming in this nothingness - and it is dark, oh so dark right now. 

     I am well versed of scripture and know all of the truths about myself that the Lord said, that the Lord gave, that the Lord sacrificed and died for - so that I could believe in, rely on and live with. But you know in all that Freedom that we were given comes free-will - the right to choose our path. And with all the promises and armor you'd think we'd be protected from things meant to destroy us, but we aren't. We never were. We were just equipped with truth, knowledge and love, that we may use them to defend ourselves. I spent days, weeks, months praying, loving and relying on my faith to see me through and either my faith wasn't strong enough or I wasn't using it right or doing it right, because it failed, I failed - something failed.

     And here I am on this isolated dark dance floor with music I don't understand, with very limited light and the only thing there to comfort me in this darkness is the one feeding me all the lies. Only this time around since I am so weak, his lies are sweet, alluring and satisfying. His lies allow me to hide from the truth. His pull enables me to let go and forget what is reality. The music is intoxicating, slowly pulling me in and the darkness is comforting. After a while I am no longer really moving on my own, I am being moved by the darkness...the darkness being Satan. He has entered my mind, my body and soul. He has whispered, laughed and loved allowing me to forget the hurt, the pain and he has replaced all hope with fear. The fear now allows me to exist in a world, numb, without care or concern. This dance goes on and on with no beginning and no end. You'd think I could just walk away from it and return to my right state of mind, but I can't, not right now. The numbness feels good. I'd rather not feel. I'd rather not think. Just let me be alone in this sweet nothingness, let me disappear from this hard and broken world. Don't you understand I am tired of hurting, tired of crying, tired of fake smiling and telling everyone "I am okay, I am fine" - because I am not. And now successfully, I have pushed everyone away....and I sway back and forth alone with and in the darkness. 
   
Okay  - so none of you expected me to say that, wanted to hear it, or know what to do with it. Unfortunately being a Christian with a foundation of faith and belief doesn't protect you from being attacked, being lured, being afraid. It actually makes you more of a target. I mean if you never knew the light of Jesus, then you'd never miss it. I think if it had not been for this past Tuesday's bible study (love you Vessels), I may seriously have lost my way for good. Because all of blows coming my way were hard, ferocious hits, one after the other. 

1. My mother and father died in 2013, and although I believed I was over it - in reality I really miss them right now. I miss hearing my mom's voice, I miss having her suffocate me with her hugs and I miss having that one person that just loves me (no matter what). And although she wasn't herself the last couple of years of her life, I know that if she were here now, she'd be that hand on my forehead, caressing my pain away. And my biological father, well he was brilliant. I mean for a man with no college education, he was smart and had knowledge that was amazing and shocking. I could use his wisdom right now telling me what studies to look at, what medications to consider. But I don't have either of them...

2. My marriage fell apart in 2015. Maybe it was from the grief, the financial struggles, the "other" things that need not ever be mentioned, because well amazingly he and I have become really good friends - in a weird way. I know if really needed anything I could text or call him - it might take him a week to get back to me, but that's him.  So this is not all bad - but still, having divorced parents I really wanted a lasting marriage, I never wanted to be divorced and I never wanted to feel like I let down God, because I couldn't keep it together. It's a scar that never really heals. 

3. Cancer - well guys it is what it is. I can't sugar coat this. I have Stage IV incurable cancer. It supposedly can be managed, but they mean years (2-4) not decades, and seeing death being in my immediate future, has really messed my head up. I pretend I am okay with it, but nothing could be further from the truth. I am scared and I don't want to leave my daughter. I don't want to miss out on seeing her get married, have babies, be successful, and hate that there will be things in life that she will want her mama for, and I won't be here to help her. It breaks my heart knowing that in a way my dying will let her down. I have always been the strong dependable parent in her life and I hate this for her. 

4. My daughter - If you know her, if you know me, then you know her struggles. And I promised her I'd not say things that "could cause problems" and I won't. But I will say that this is one of the areas in life where I have felt let down by God. I trusted so much in the College that she was attending. I trusted the people that were in positions of power over her, her leaders, etc, and I shouldn't have. I will always regret guiding her to pick that school when Mount St. Mary's was the place she wanted to attend. It's hard to forgive myself on steering her towards a place that broke her emotionally, physically and academically.  I know she "may" read this, and I hope she knows that the one light in this is that through this pain and suffering she has found her own faith (not the one of her parents - but hers) and has found her purpose in God. Also, I want her to know that my Oncologist (you know Brittany the guy that went to Harvard Med) says that it is unrealistic and unheard of for a 3.5 not to get into Graduate School - he said take some more biology courses when you get home and shoot for Medical School). It is just stupidly unjust to deny an A/B student admission because it's the in-thing to have straight A's - talk about the world having unrealistic expectations - and we wonder about the current suicide rate of Millennials.  

     And with it all - my heart is just heavy, broken and in need of a break - so I went dark - very dark and all I wanted was to escape this onslaught of pain and confusion. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I was opening the door for Satan. However, I took my focus off of God. I stopped walking in a belief of healing. I started doubting and feeling fear - and Satan jumped right in. I didn't even know I was dancing with him until all of sudden I no longer heard or saw Jesus. I just saw nothing. I felt nothing. I wanted nothing, and with that Satan had victory. 

     Tuesday, Kisha looked at me and (girl you know you yelled) called me out. She was having none of this darkness. She reminded me that I stopped walking in belief of my healing, that I started having fear, that I was the one that let me down - not God. And she's right. I did. I stopped believing in the Victory I claimed in Jesus' name back February 2019. Carrie joked when I said I didn't know what to pray - to go back to the "Hello God, It's Me Margaret" attitude. And to the rest of them, that night was kind of a blur, that said "It's okay to be Angry at God - it's okay to yell and let it out" - thank you. I did that this morning. I simply said, "God I am so Angry, but thank you for the beautiful blue sky" - it's the best I can do right this moment. 

     Tuesday night, with the smallest amount of Faith that I think I've ever had, I sat on my bed, closed my eyes and said...Okay God, I am here and I am open to communicate. Within a couple of minutes, I received a (very late night for them) text from my Sister, Kim and my Friend, Beverly. Both of them sent encouraging and blessed messages. I know that was from God. It may not be the direct one-on-one communication that I once had, but it's a start. I won't lie to you all, I am not over this, I am not standing firm in the light, not yet, but I am starting to see light, not feel like I am in a fog. My doctor's appointment yesterday was neither good or bad - and I think that might be where I am at this moment that write to you, I am neither full of hope nor full of doubt. I know that if this is my last hurrah on earth, than I have a lot to do before that time comes, and I'd like these remaining days, months (years) to be filled with positive and not be a drag of negative. 

     The Devil's playlist and dance hasn't completely gone away - it's still there - but the music is now less melodic. I can now at least open my eyes and see it for what it is. That is a start in this fight I am in to reclaim my body, mind and soul and place it firmly in the hands of Jesus. I am hopeful that "hope" and "love" will return and replace "dread" and "fear".

     I know so many of my fellow cancer fighters and friends that battle anxiety and depression are in similar states of darkness and I pray - Lord this world is hard, this world is crazy, I know I let you down each and every day with my lack of faith, lack of hope, lack of praise. God, I am so thankful that even when I can't fully open up to you, when I can't cling to you, when I am afraid of being let down, when I am frightened that my closeness to you opens up attacks on Brittany, when I am angry that you took all my parents, when I am hurt that I am facing this monster called cancer, feeling alone...I am thankful...that you know all of this, that you see all of this and even though I can't see it and don't understand it, I know (here's that mustard seed thing), I know that you are here with me, reaching out to me, and that your light Jesus, even that tiny little shred of light in the darkness, is enough to pull me, guard me and fight for me. I know that you love me, and this season of "hell" is just a season and you are using this to your good, and that through this suffering somehow you will get glory. 

     My hope is that each of you knows how deeply I love you and want nothing but the best for each of you. Through these truths, I am hopeful that you know you are not alone, I am not alone, and we must stand together in faith to defeat the enemy, an enemy that is so real, but only powerful when we give him the power. Let's not give him anymore power. 

     In peace and love,

     April

Scripture to help:

Ecclesiastes 4:12 "a person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.


Links:

Cancer and Depression:



Isolation and the Devil:



     


Falling...Free Falling From Grace





Falling…Free Falling From Grace

It’s been a while since I have felt like writing about anything. Don’t get me wrong, my mind races and gets lost in a fantasy world every day. It’s been easier to escape to a false reality and avoid my actual existence. You see in my fantasy world, I am whole, I am complete, and I am happy, more importantly I am not afraid, not scared, not hurting and not grieving in my fantasy world.

The problem obviously is that not only have I avoided my own reality; I have avoided God. I have prayed very little, I have sought him very little, I have been silently avoiding my confrontation with my savior. I have been falling from his Grace, a little each day.

Okay – now you all know the truth of my emotional state, but maybe I need to give some clarity on how I got here…you know at the bottom of a valley that I don’t want to be in.

Back in November, the day before Thanksgiving actually, I was told my cancer had come back, and even though it had come back small and in the same place, in my mind I knew…what my friends and family are having a hard time accepting, and that is that recurrences, no matter how small, are an indication that your body isn’t fighting like it should. Basically, my days on this earth are very numbered.

I had to couple that disappointment with the sudden loss of my dad. There are no words to explain what it is like to lose the one person on this planet that has raised me, taught me, scolded me, disciplined me, called me out on my crap, yet always loved me. The loss was devastating. I was making plans to begin chemotherapy at the same time as I was writing my Eulogy to him. Unfortunately, I had a very awkward encounter with my dad as he passed, a vision or a feeling, either way, it wasn’t nice and peaceful, and it scared me.

There are gifts that we all have been equipped with from our creator. Some of us will know them, use them for the Glory of God and some of us may waist them, or never realize them. I have an innate sense of “feeling” - basically I can pretty much read anyone, anytime and that hasn’t always been a blessing. Then with the Cancer Diagnosis back in 2018, I also began being able to “see” things in dreams – basically a way to communicate with Jesus (it’s what I believe).  

Well with all of the loss and personal set-back – I turned it all off! I was disappointed in God. How do you live being disappointed with God? I had cancer again (even after I truly believed that I was healed – or did I) and a feeling of not only my Dad passing, but that maybe he didn’t go to heaven. My soul was lost, my mind was done! I shut it all down. Don’t get me wrong, I still went to church when I could, I still looked the part, but inside – I was done.

So back to my losing myself to a perfect fantasy world - well it’s not really hard to tune everyone out and go to a “good” place in your head. I mean Lucifer, fell from God’s Grace – so maybe I too had fallen too far for him to care/reach or try to talk to. After all, I was mad, I was hurt, and I felt utterly alone. If tears were dollars, Lord knows I’d be rich from these past two months.

But here is what Jesus did, while I was wallowing in self-pity, doubt, anger and hurt…

1. Friends kept popping in to say hi, to pray with me, to bring me food, to let me know I wasn’t alone. And on my darkest days, randomly one or two of them would just send me a scripture or a song or a word of encouragement…now I’ll be honest, I accepted it with a smile and thanked them – but still was unmoved in my heart. I mean I have written myself off to death…so!

2. In my fantasy world in my head, I’d be doing amazing things and then suddenly I’d be preaching the word…telling Jesus’ story, defending my faith. I’d wake straight up and try to shake the words, the images and eventually I’d go back to my “sinful fantasy”. Sometimes visions of crosses would just appear in my dreams.

3. My cancer marker has come down, not a lot and not enough to really mean that the cancer has gone, but enough to begin to allow the crumb, the seed of hope to enter into my head. I have a scan tomorrow that will determine the progress of this treatment…but I do have a small glimpse of hope to hold on. TRUTH – I haven’t prayed about it. Any of it! I am just accepting that whatever is – is! If I pray tonight, I will feel like a fraud – you know praying at the 11th hour for a hail Mary miracle. Jesus is capable of anything – but I have to admit that me treating him like my last resort isn’t right.

Yet, here is how I know he hasn’t left my side – even when I left his!

a. Versus and Songs still make me cry in worship to him;

b. Two nights ago, I was in my fantasy world – avoiding my pain (by the way I am in physical pain a lot – I mean A LOT – this treatment has been VERY HARD) – and literally out of nowhere – the face of Jesus came into my mind and he said “Are you done torturing  yourself!” One of my dear friends, Kelly Scott, once told me that if you envision the Lord – you know it’s the Lord if his words and actions don’t contradict his word “the gospel”. Well friends – this vision, those words don’t contradict him. Honestly, we allow torture and hurt into our lives everyday – he doesn’t! It was a wake-up call – but I have still been battling all week. I am working on it.

c. He came back into my mind (and I wasn’t in a fantasy world – just working) and I was just trying to pray but couldn’t get there. He said for me to go to my place (my secret worship place in my mind where I feel close to him is a green field of beautiful purple flowers – and I haven’t been there in months). I suddenly saw the field, and the beautiful flowers. I didn’t see him. I didn’t hear him. (he knows I am back at the baby step place). I saw my feet in the garden of flowers. Then I saw a snake (I have seen too many of them recently) and for the first time ever – EVER!!! I stepped on the head of the snake – and it went away. Jesus is reminding me of my power – through him.

So, the title of this Free Falling from Grace. It conjures up the image of the fallen angels falling from heaven. But for me it’s a question, a thought, can we fall from God’s Grace. YES, we can – but if we do, it’s a choice, it’s never his will or his letting us go. It’s us walking away and shutting him off. All along these few months of hell, I have often said out loud, Jesus don’t let me get too far away. I may not have prayed “Lord heal me, Lord fix me, Lord be with me, Lord why am I suffering, Lord make it stop, Lord I can’t…” but with me saying “Lord don’t let me fall too far that I can’t see you, can’t get back to you” – he said OKAY – I am here always here, when you are done wallowing in the disappointment of human, fleshly wants and desires, I am here to show you the way.

So this first post back – I admit I am a sinner, I have turned my back on the very faith I count on – but it’s okay, because he knows, knew I was going to have to go through this to look back up and say,
Heavily Father, it is well with my soul, no matter what, it is well. I am here to glorify you, and only you, and however you want that done, it will be done. I am not angry, I am not scared, I am whole and perfect in this “real” world because I am made in your image. I am loved, because I am yours.

April

Some articles on Grace:




Facts about Cancer Recurrence: