Be Still and Know that I am God - Psalms 46:10

Last year about this time, my world was really changing. I was undergoing my very first chemotherapy treatment. I had made some amazing new friends via a Bible Study. I had reconnected with Christ. I had found Christ's compassion and promise in my deepest fear and weakest moment. The Lord had promised me to rescue me through the fire. Literally, that was a vision I had right before my first chemo transfusion. I was in the middle of praying with a Chaplain and I saw myself kneeling before the cross. I saw the Lord transform into a healed God in all white and in all his glory. He got off the cross, looked at me and without saying a word, motioned for me to follow him. Suddenly we were surrounded by a forest on fire, but I was calm, I wasn't scared, because I was following Jesus. He guided me safely through the fire. This "hope" this "calm" that he gave me that day, was all the strength I needed to endure five more rounds of grueling chemotherapy. He saved me that day.

In the year that has past, I have had many ups and downs. I have allowed the enemy to eat away at that peace and calm, by having fear when  I had a pain or even recently when I had a spike in my CA-125 levels. But through prayer and focus on God, I once again live in peace and calm. This week has been stressful to say the least, but I have been at peace and have sought out the Joy in life that oftentimes we overlook or deny ourselves.

Do you know I truly believe most of us walk around denying ourselves the Glory that GOD has promised us. Have you ever thought that you might be doing more harm to your spirit than Satan? I know I have. Sometimes I am ashamed at how much time I entertain the evil one. I mean my thoughts can go from "smurf happy" to the "fires of hell" in one second.

So that's why today I wanted to remind everyone of my favorite verse of the bible (2018). Psalms 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God". It really doesn't get any clearer than this message right here. This message was everywhere during my cancer treatments. Friends and strangers alike were giving things to me that had this verse on it. And that my friends is "a word from God". So if God wants me (us) to be still, relax, have peace, cast our worries away, be fearless....because he's got this, then why aren't we.

There are so many verses in the bible that state that as a believer with faith, we are not supposed to waste time on fear, doubt and worry. Because when we do that we aren't just robbing ourselves of the peace promised by God, we are walking one foot in faith and one foot in the world. I don't think I need to remind anyone that walking like that is trying to serve two masters and that is something no soul can do.

I am not saying I won't have days filled with tears, but I am saying that I have freely given my cares away to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ...and his will be done!  I am here for the ride. I am here to spread his word. I am here to seek him, praise him and worship him.

Peace and Calm to everyone out there! I pray you feel compelled to spread the love and joy!

April

For my fellow cancer fighters:  I thought you might like these links!

From the American Cancer Society: https://www.cancer.org/latest-news/study-cancer-patients-with-strong-religious-or-spiritual-beliefs-report-better-health.html

From Cancer.gov:  https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/coping/day-to-day/faith-and-spirituality

Clearly - I am not alone in embracing my faith through this challenge.

Fear - it is a liar

Sometimes it is so easy for me to tell others how to stay positive and to focus on the good. Sometimes I fall short and allow fear to enter my mind. The following is a post - that I posted - in my Cancer support group today!

"Sometimes, out of nowhere, I am reminded of the fear I still have that the cancer will come back and that I will die from it. I try to remain positive all the time. I try to live like I am okay - on the other side of this disease...but the reality is that my reality is shaken and different. I wish, I hope, I pray...I want to never experience cancer again - God willing!"

It sounds like I am gripped with fear. And it is true, sometimes I allow Satan to enter my mind and tell me things about myself that God has never once said about me. I think when I let this happen to me - what I am really saying is "God, I am weak right now and I just can't be as strong as you say I am...help me." We all get to this point from time to time. 

Whether that point is from a medical diagnosis, a phone call telling us a loved one has passed, a failing grade, a feeling of rejection, a terrible heart-break...in these lonely dark moments we sometimes allow ourselves to "feel" less than we are - and that let's Satan inside our minds to fill it with doubt, fear and hopelessness. 

My truth is that there may come a day when I receive more bad news about Cancer, but I need to remind myself that God is right there with me, in the Good and the Bad. One of the visions I had during my treatments was at church. I was at church singing during worship and I instantly had a vision of Jesus. He showed himself to me at every critical stage of treatment. He was in the Surgical room (showing light to my surgeon), he was in the chair next to me during Chemotherapy holding my hand (so if you were one of Chemo Angles, know Jesus was sitting on you - lol), and he was holding my chest/stomach area during my scans. He was there every step of the way. 

That vision didn't just comfort me it awakened inside of me the power of belief, self-healing, prophetic visions, and the ability to just "know" the lord's word. All because I accepted the vision, believed (without any hesitation) what was shown to me. And yet I am here to say that even with that...I fall short and I allow fear to creep in my mind and destroy the Peace Jesus provided me. 

Ask yourself, are you actively destroying the peace given to you by Jesus? Because if we (Psalms 46:10) Be still and accept that God is God - we really don't have to worry about anything. He has never said we won't go through the hills and valleys, but he has always said "I am right there with you". 

I have such a long road in front of me - to get to where I want to be spiritually. I have to learn to overcome my fear, to let God be God, to trust in him completely. To accept his will - no matter what. I need to learn to be a humble and faithful servant to him. Because until I do these small steps in faith, I will never be ready for the larger steps of faith. I don't want to miss out on God's call and purpose for my life. 

Fear is so debilitating. It wreaks havoc on our minds and bodies. Sometimes when we think of Satan and his ability to destroy us, we conjure up images from scary movies...Satan doesn't even have to lift a finger to destroy us. We give him all the power he needs - when we focus on doubt, fear and negative thoughts. So if there is anyone else out there today swimming in self-doubt and paralyzing fear - listen to what God says about us - you - me - and his love and protection of us!

1. Isaiah 41:10 "fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

2. Philippians 4:6-7 "in nothing be anxious but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your heart and your thought in Christ Jesus."

3. Proverbs 29:25 "The fear of people proves to be a snare, but whoever puts his trust in the Lord is kept safe."

4. Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." 

5. Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble."


For anyone struggling with anxiety, fear and depression post cancer treatments...here is a great link (Cancer.org) that I hope helps.

https://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatments-and-side-effects/emotional-side-effects/anxiety-fear-depression.html

The Let Down

No one said that the journey to the top of the mountain would be easy.

I honestly don't think this post has much to do with cancer, but more to do with the maturity I have in my Faith (which I only have because of Cancer). There may be some truths in this blog that lead to some hurt feelings, but when you mature in Faith, you see things so differently.

When I started this journey I was so far from Grace. I knew of Jesus and of God's grace, but only in the absolute basic form. Now I truly know Jesus. I still fall far from being worthy of God's grace, yet he gives it to me freely.

I try my best to surround myself with other's that are walking the walk of a Christian. Yet I am reminded that Jesus did not. He chose to sit with and engage sinners, in an effort that they may feel his love, believe and change their ways. I know that is what we are meant to do as well. To spread his word, show compassion and love to those that may not know any other form of Jesus, but the form we present to them.

So as a Christian, I am self aware of the "form" of Christ I show others. Cancer has provided me an amazing platform. I am able to talk Christs's love in my many support groups and to my medical team. I'll pray for and with just about anyone in need. Even when their prayer request is so close to my own emotional rawness of Cancer and surviving. There are no ends to which I won't go to pray for someone that feels like they have no hope.

And this is going to sound, well, harsh! I actually have been more let down by those that claim to be Christians than my heathen, non-believers in my support groups. Now, obviously this is not true about a lot of my inner-circle. My friends Heather, Beverly and sister, Kim could be poster-children of Christ. But, unfortunately this can't be said about others - I'll just leave that there.

The three I mentioned see me as April and will always see me as April. They will never see me as "the girl with cancer" or "oh poor pitiful April". They will always see me as ME. Do not underestimate or undervalue the importance of your fellow Christians seeing you as a child of Christ and as a unique individual. I have a friend Amiee that never talks about my illness - and I love it. She has made a point to "live life" with me right where I am.  It is refreshing.

Sometimes I feel that Christians like to label each other, as it helps them determine their own pecking order, or allows them a quick crutch to point out someone else's blessing or shortcomings when they are struggling with their own identity in Christ. Well I hate to say this to those that think like this but I am April - I am not just Cancer. I am not just Broken. I do not need to be reminded daily of my suffering. I remind myself daily of my survival by speaking to those suffering. So I don't need my wounds to be cut open time and time again.

So the reason I feel let down by some in "faith" - is simply to do with my perspective of faith and what it is to be a Christian. Have you ever just pondered on what it is to be "saved" or to be "reborn" or to live a "Christ-like life"? It means that you shouldn't be living your life exactly as you did before given your life to Christ. And although we all fall short of being worthy of God's grace, we have a duty and an obligation, to deny the flesh and live according to his will and purpose.

Many of the people I have encountered on this journey still live a very flesh-driven lifestyle. They live without the Joy of living for Jesus. They still live for themselves, do as they want, and have not changed. It is sad to watch this. I have had to unfollow so many, because I have seen with my own "sinful eyes" how much they live for and love the world. It just breaks my heart. I know God wants us to enjoy the gifts of this World he has provided - just not everything of this world is his design/making. And I know some are rolling their eyes or saying "she sins too" - yep I do, but when I sin I repent, beg for mercy of the Lord and do my best to not do it again.

Many are living as if "I am saved" is a blank check to live life to the fullest that you can cash in at the date and time of death. NOPE - not even close to how you should be thinking if you are saved.

Cancer was a wake up call that "hey stupid - you will die - sooner than you think" - and yet many of us are living like we always have tomorrow to make it right. We have no such guarantee. If you haven't seen the movie Overcomer - this is a tiny little spoiler (but it was in a preview - so it's all good)....a sick man asks a man that visits him in the hospital to "pray for me" - and the visitor says "I will".  When the visitor comes back to visit him, the sick man is confronting him about putting God first all the time...and he asks the visitor "you said you would pray for me....DID YOU" and of course the visitor had not prayed for him.

And to make this long post summed up - I think this is my point. Many of us claim to be, act like we are and talk a huge CHRISTIAN game...but we don't live it.

Well from all my fellow caner survivors let me tell you that each and every single PRAYER is needed, wanted and longed for.

Like I said this may offend many...but if it does you need to re-read your bible. God, David, Solomon, Jesus, Peter and Paul (and many more) offended many to get their point across....and the point is that TRUE SALVATION REQUIRES CHANGE - CHANGE INSPIRES GROWTH AND GROWTH LEADS TO FAITHFUL FRUIT. 

But hey - let's see what they actually said...

From Solomon...Proverbs 4:25-27 "Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

(basically you can't have one foot in faith and one foot in the world)...it's being all in!

From Paul...Ephesians 4:31-32 "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

(we really should not gossip, not have anger or be mean spirited - and this even more especially true in our religious sections of life  - you know church, small groups, faith functions)

Galatians 5:16-18 "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law."

But I think my favorite on the "continued sin" is from John - the beloved John - 1 John 3:4-5 "Everyone who practices sin also practices lawlessness; and sin is lawlessness. You know that He appeared in order to take away sins; and in Him there is no sin. No one abides in Him sins; no one who sins has seen Him or KNOWS Him.

I love each of you and want each of you to live a life according to the will of God and to live a life full of Joy. You know - because heaven will be a little less bright without you!

Until next time,

April

Cancerversiary, Birthday, Future...oh my!

If you know anyone that has been struggling with or who is a survivor of Cancer you have heard the word "cacerversiary". The term basically is a date a patient looks on as a milestone. For me I picked the date of my initial diagnosis. Well that day has come and gone and now I am less than a week from my birthday and less than a month from spending a great weekend with my daughter to celebrate her 21st.

If I were to be honest with you all and myself, I'd tell you that in October, 2018, I didn't think I'd see any of this - and yet here I am. All I know to do is say "Glory to God" "Praise you Lord for giving me this moment, these moments". I don't know why I am here and I no longer feel guilt about being alive. God's just not done using me for his will - when he is (for all of us), we will depart from this world.

I am now active in a few online support groups and two in-person groups. I feel my only goal with all of this is to shout to the world  - I am alive because of Jesus! - and to tell my testimony and to help others struggling with the disease.

In all my "present" days that God grants me, I still struggle with sin, as we all do. I always have to remind myself that "he is greater that is in me - than he that is in the world". Wow - look at me quoting the Word of GOD - well that's a change. Sometimes I give in to guilt, worry, worldly thoughts, after all I am human. Now, I just get gentle reminders that "hey God loves you - so it's okay to be mad, angry, hurt, and to FEEL." What's not okay is to lie in that feeling and wallow and let that feeling depress me or lower me into an empty darkness. God loves me - God loves you. Cancer isn't from God. These worldly evils (mass-shootings, corruptions, etc.) are not from God. But God will use them to get our focus on him.

I have spent the past few months not writing. I have been trying to figure out how God wants to use me, what is my purpose. I mean he has given me the gift of TODAY and he hasn't failed on any of his promises he made to me. How can I serve him. How can I share him. I am still searching for that Answer - but I do know he has always said - WRITE.

We (bible group) recently read The Circle Maker and I remembered that we are supposed to dream and that God wants to help us reach the dreams we have that are in line with his will. My dreams have always been about writing. That can't be a coincidence. So I am back, writing. And I know this BLOG is choppy and not well thought out - excuse me while I brush off the cobwebs from a very long and soul-searching summer.

I don't know who this is for, but these words, this Blog, is not about me, it's about that person that has questioned God about purpose, questioned God about survival...God is using me to speak to you. God has already spoken to me about me. He has gifted me with a few amazing visions/dreams that were personal to me and my life. These words in this blog are not to comfort me or to reassure me - but to comfort and reassure you.

God uses cancer, he uses death, he uses births, he uses accidents, he uses pain, he uses joy he uses it all to speak to us. He will take the absolute darkest moment and shine light in it - you might not see it - because that light may be for someone else. So now when I am in my dark places, I pray "God help me use this to help others, help me do your Will". We are not meant to suffer (long) - because we will suffer. Jesus told his disciples that they would suffer because they believed in him. If you ever want a wake-up call at the cost of being a Christian - read how they all perished. Yet each of them followed and spread the message of Jesus anyway. So we will suffer here on earth, because we are a fallen earth. We just aren't meant to suffer long or alone. God is always with us. He sees are suffering. So if you are suffering ask "God how can I use this to do your will" - he will answer.

Cancer is not fun. It is painful. It is disgusting. It is relentless. But right now I am celebrating this little gift called "remission" and "anniversary" with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I will thank him on my birthday. I will thank him on my trip with my daughter. I will thank him when I am bent over in pain. I will thank him when my nerves in my feet and hand still burn. I will thank him when my mind goes blank and I can't remember where I am or what I am doing. I will thank him when someone's words wounds my heart. I WILL THANK HIM - BECAUSE I CAN. I STILL CAN WRITE THIS. I STILL CAN SAY THIS. LIFE IS A GIFT - WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOURS?

Many blessings to you all,

April

The Dark Side of being a Survivor

I have written about my cancer journey, from the diagnosis to the surgery and through the chemotherapy. I am now writing as a cancer survivor and what it feels and looks like. These are my current truths.

1. I am in remission. Remission is just a moment in time where God allows me to live without the pain and agony of cancer and cancer treatments. I pray that my remission is so long that I see my grandchildren graduate from high school (and I don't even have any yet) - lol! The longer I go in remission the less I feel anxiety over the constant blood work and scans. At some point and time I just have to "let go and let God"!

2. My new normal. I know you've seen the commercials about people living their new normal. My new normal is living daily with the knowledge that I have no control over what is going on inside my body, but I do have control over what I do with my body, what I put inside my body and what I do with the outside of my body. This is a bit of a struggle. I struggle with the "I know what I need to do" and the "doing what I need to do". I feel this is a struggle that we all go through though, so it's not just a "cancer survivor" thing.

3. Constant guilt. I always feel a bit of guilt when someone around me passes away from random daily things and I am still standing. I feel like screaming - "no not them...I am the one sick - take me". When I go to get my port cleaned and have my blood work taken, I feel a mixture of blessing and guilt. I look into the eyes of those hooked up to the chemo lines with compassion and feel guilty that I am healthy enough not to need it. It's hard. I do sometimes feel ashamed at myself for just living my life in a mundane and useless way. Like God didn't save me for me to just sleep, eat and work. He couldn't have done that, right?

4. My faith struggles. I am so ashamed at how far I have fallen from my God since the second scans. I have withdrawn and I don't know why. I still believe, I still pray...I just don't feel! It is something I am working on. I am trying to figure out why being blessed and healed has sent me spiraling into a deep and dark depression. It's the ugly of survivorship. No one prepares you for this. See, while I was struggling week-to-week with the treatments, I was working towards a goal. Now I am here, cleared and knowing I am meant for more, there is a calling that I am ignoring, not hearing. I know my needs for Jesus are no longer urgent, but they are. I still need him the same way I needed him when I felt like I was dying.

5. My emotions and heart. It's not that I don't love others, I do. I really do. I love people more than I let on. It's just that I am guarded. I am not guarded of fear that they will hurt me (that was me the last 40 years), I am guarded because I live with no promises of any tomorrows and I know that I may hurt them. I am scared to be accepted as a broken person, and I know this is wrong, because we are all broken.

Cancer has changed me. There are still times I feel the old me, but I see everything as urgent, as if we don't have tomorrow to change them, fix them. I used to be a bit more optimistic, but all of a sudden all I see is how broken and fallen this world is. I still see the glimmer of Glory that God called us to be and I pray that we can get back to that Glory.

I guess all I am saying is that I still need Jesus's love and compassion and promise now, more than I did when I was dying. I need to know that he didn't mess up by saving me. I need to pray for help seeing his calling, hearing his calling and doing his will. I can fail at everything else in my life, except in my relationship with him.

I feel that this blog is a bit of a rant and I do apologize, it's just where I am today. I am in a funk. I am in a place of utter disappointment in failing to feel that my saving was worth it. In a world where innocent people are slaughtered everyday, I just want to feel that I am worth this second-chance. I need to get off my rear end and make this moment count.


"Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge" (Psalm 62:8).

"Those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction" (Job 36:15).

For mental health help for survivors:

Mayo Clinic: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/cancer/in-depth/cancer-survivor/art-20047129

Cancer.net: https://www.cancer.net/survivorship/life-after-cancer/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-and-cancer

The All Clear

This was the hug I got after getting the "all clear"!

Battling cancer was not easy or fun. It was all consuming. I spent countless hours looking up symptoms, side-effects, thinking of my death, thinking of my life, praying and crying. I knew that the end-goal of chemotherapy was to be "NED" - no evidence of disease, but what is NED?

NED is when scans and blood work don't pick-up any cancer activity in the body. But this isn't a CURE - because what I learned is that we all have a free-ranging radical here and there and there will never be a CURE for me. My hope, my prayer is that I remain NED and have a good long quality of life. 

I got the call in February, 2019 that my scans came back good, that my blood work was good. I again got these same results in May, 2019. And I can tell you that it feels like the best news ever - and it is...but let me tell you how I really feel about this process.

IT SUCKS - I am living my life 3 months at a time. Close to the end of each 3 month period starts a new round of blood work and scans...and being NED means, at any time one of those could come back POSITIVE for signs of cancer growth. The faith I have in the Lord also feels like it's on a 3 month cycle...draw close near testing...pull back after results. And it's only now...like today now...that I am saying enough!

I don't want to live 3 month cycles. I don't want the great highs and great lows (or great anxiety times). I want to just live and breathe and live each day as if it's a blessing from our Lord...because in reality this is the TRUTH for us all.  None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, yet we all assume we have an infinite number of days and hours. Having cancer does put this more in perspective - but only by putting me in a more narrow mind-set. 

What if we lived each day like it were our last...what would you do with it? What would I do with it? Would I waste it on fear, sadness, regret, and loss? Or would I use that time to embrace life, love and happiness? I hope it would be the latter. I watched both my parents pass-away (too early) and each of their deaths taught me about "how to die". My mother in a nut-shell killed herself (alcoholism) - and she chose not to fight for life and to be selfish and think only of herself, her pain and her suffering. Don't get me wrong I will always love and cherish the woman that was my mother, but that doesn't mean what she did didn't hurt me and leave me with many questions. Her funeral was chaos and HATE- not anything close to a celebration or loving memorial. If you had of known the woman before the woman she turned into with alcohol, well...that woman would have had love and joy at her funeral. 

My father on the other hand had a disease that slowly killed him. He fought every which way he could to be here just one more day, one more minute...he loved everyone and told everyone he loved them before he passed away. His last words to me were words of love and forgiveness - words that set me free from years of guilt over our difficult relationship. His funeral was a party, a homecoming, a celebration with singing and music and everything about life he loved. There were tears, of missing him, but there was love and joy and thankfulness that he no longer struggled to get air into his lungs. It was PEACEFUL. My Uncle Joe told me the day we buried him that about a month prior to his passing he had given his life to the Lord and was a Christian. I don't think my father was ever a non-believer, he was just one of those that was open to all thoughts and knowledge of religions...I am forever thankful that Jesus reached out to him prior to his death.

So all of this brings me to why I had the realization TODAY to live fully in the grace of GOD everyday...ADAM.  That's right Adam. I heard a sermon today that will forever change my thinking of our Lord. When Adam and Eve fell in the Garden of Eden...they HID from God...God didn't hide from them....and GOD came looking for them. OUR GOD SEEKS US!!!! He wants a relationship with us. It wasn't Adam desperately trying to find God after he messed up, it was God that came after him and said "I see what you've done and I LOVE YOU ANYWAY"!  

See now I know I can look straight into death and have no worries. For when that time comes, I know I am ready. I am ready to be called home where I belong. I wish to see my child get married, I wish to see my grandchildren...and if my Lord allows that to happen so be it...if not here is a small list of things he has already blessed me with:

1. An amazing daughter that loves me so much she ran off the softball field and about knocked me over to embrace me and cry happy tears with me when I reached NED.

2. A stepfather, Tommy, that even though our relationship has been up/down - he has been the role-model that has shaped my moral compass and without his influence (strict), I may have fallen so far that I was unable to stand back up. And my father, Steve, for passing on his quirks...I love Jeopardy, I love my alone time, I love my garden time, I love the quietness of fidgeting or reading something, I love life, I love Ketchup!

3. My mother - I always knew growing up that I was the center of her life (even thought it should have been Jesus) - just saying I know I was loved.

4. All my friends - all of them!!! But for the longest relationship in my life to be with BFF (lol) Heather - for us to have survived puberty, teenager years, the boys, adulthood, marriage, children, geographical distances, different times in life coming into being saved and now menopause/pre-menopause...well I can think of no other I'd have shared all of that with.

5. My knowledge - God gave the brain I have knowing I was always going to want to fill it with facts and wonder. It's a gift that I enjoy using every day. 

6. My strength - I could look back on my childhood and say "why me" - but instead God was just shaping me to have the strength I was going to need to endure 5 years of hell...buried 2 parents, got divorced, my only child went AWAY to college, lost friends, made friends, lost my morals, found my morals, lost my religions, found JESUS and BATTLED AND SURVIVED CANCER! He knew what he was doing. 

So God, I am not hiding anymore...and I am seeking you - please don't ever stop seeking me!

April

For more on NED:

https://www.mskcc.org/experience/living-beyond-cancer/resources-survivors/what-cure

CHEMOTHERAPY - THE TRUTH

My vessels saw me through every inch of this battle! I am changed forever by their friendship and love!

On September 17, 2018 I received my final diagnosis. I was Stage IV-B (the absolute worse diagnosis). I was informed I would need months of Chemotherapy, but that they (my amazing medical team) were confident that I could reach remission (no longer curable - although my medical team is spiritual and they still use the "Cure" word).

I remember going in for my "Chemo-Counseling" and looking at all the forms I had to sign and touring the facility that would be my second home for the next few months.  I am sitting here four-months removed from my last session and I finally have it in me to tell you all the truth about chemotherapy.

1. THE DRUGS: My chemotherapy was two different types of poison (Paclitaxel and Carboplatin "Carbo Taxol"). Before chemo (the first 2 sessions) I would take 10 (that's right TEN) doses of Steroids. The Steroids were taken so that my body would have less of an allergic reaction to the poison being administered. I would be in the chemo-room (chair) from about 7:45 a.m. until about 4:00 p.m. and the day went like this:

a. Check in, get weighed (your weight determines the amount of poison you can get), get settled into your chair and have blood taken. Blood is taken to determine if you can get chemo (your liver needs to be actively working, your kidneys need to be functioning and your White Blood Count and Platelets needs to be in range to receive the poison. Your Red Blood Count needs to be normal too, but you will still get Chemotherapy even if you are severely anemic (I received 2 blood transfusions throughout the treatments). This takes about one - two hours.

b. Once labs come back and you are cleared to receive Chemotherapy - you start with your pre-meds (the medications that they hope will make the process less painful). I received IV or Oral Benedryl (again trying to prevent me from having an adverse reaction, another round of steroids, a couple of doses of anti-nausea meds and an ativan for good measure - lol). This takes up about one - two hours - and now my favorite part LUNCH (my chemo angels would always go get me lunch). In my six sessions, I tended to have salads from Wendy's, Panera, Subway and Zoes.

c. The first time I actually received the chemo drugs, I cried. I had just been prayed over by one of the Chaplains and my vision of Jesus leading me through the fire was enough to give the the strength needed to voluntarily allow someone to administer poison into my veins. The nurses who are with me all day checking vitals and talking to me, are now dressed in bio-hazard robes, masks and gloves - they can't even touch the bag holding the drug (just in case) - yet this liquid will now be in my body. One of my poisons took 1.5 hours to be administered and the other took 3 hours to be administered.

2. THE SIDE EFFECTS - one of the forms I had to sign during my chemo-counseling was an awareness and acceptance of the "possible" side effects of receiving poison. Each one of my chemotherapy drugs came with it's own set of "possible" side effects. I will forever be indebted to my chemo-nurse, Marie. She highlighted the ones that were "MOST LIKELY" to occur. Out of the over twenty possibilities here is what I had:

a. HAIR LOSS - by the third week after my first does, what was left of my hair began to just fall out. I had a party right before chemo started with my closest friends and together we cut my hair off, so that I had some control over the things happening to me. I HIGHLY SUGGEST THAT EVERY WOMAN DO THIS. If I had not cut my hair and had witnessed large clumps falling out - it would have been more devastating. I can honestly say that cancer humbled me, but chemo made me embrace the fact that being a woman is more than our hair and beauty. I wore wigs from October 2018 - first week of February 2019. If you get a wig - make sure you get a cotton wig cap, your scalp will thank you. Embrace this one time where you can literally be any color you want every day of the week. After my last chemo, about a week after, I decided I was done being ashamed of my baldness, and I just went with it - NO REGRETS. It's my battle scar. It's my warrior cry. It's me being exactly who God made me to be.  FOUR MONTHS OUT - AND I HAVE A VERY SHORT PIXIE. It does grow back. Actually, I need to shave my legs for the first time in 7 months.

b. STOMACH - I threw up, I had diarrhea, I was severely constipated. These symptoms begin about day 2 after the chemo. Of the three the worse was the constipation. It was so bad, I didn't want to eat just to not have to struggle. This side effect lasts from day two until about day seventeen (my cycles were every 21 days). You will also be extremely nauseated from day 2 through day 14. It gets better as the days go on - keep taking your nausea meds - they help. I would have a good 4 to 5 days every cycle. All I can suggest is to try the Senecot, keep your team informed and take all their recommendations - TRUST ME NOTHING YOU SAY IS SOMETHING THEY HAVEN'T HEARD.  My bowels have returned to somewhat normalcy. I occasionally still need a little help. I have found that taking a daily Pre-Biotic and Pro-Biotic have helped a lot.

c. SMELLS AND TASTES - I got to the point that the smell and taste of cinnamon made me vomit. Everything tasted like metal. Water smelled like chemicals. I once told my chemo-nurse that the only thing (in my 2 bad weeks) that I could handle was Wendy's Chili and Frosty. She laughed and said that made sense - because all our bodies can make out (remember all of your fast-multiplying cells are dying off) is the extremes HOT/COLD. So keep that in mind. I will say that there is hope. I am 4 months post-chemo and the only thing I still don't like is cinnamon. Oh yea - don't freak out if everything tastes like metal or like fish during your cycles - that is normal and does go away.

d. EARS/EYES - eyes went blurry and there was ringing in my ears. This is a common side-effect as well. My eyes are somewhat back to normal - with glasses (which I needed anyways) and unfortunately the ringing in my ear is permanent - and this is something that is explained to you during your chemo-counseling. I will see an ENT soon to see if there is any way to help with the ringing.

I have saved my most difficult side-effect for last. I feel like everything above these was manageable. I knew I could get through them. These last two - well...

e. BRAIN FOG - you have heard the phrase "Chemo Brain" - this is the state in which your memory gets a bit foggy, you get forgetful. The drugs play a huge part in your short-term memory being disrupted. I can honestly say that anything important that happened between October 2018 and NOW - well I've had to journal it to remember it. This has impacted my job and this has not been fun. I still struggle with my memory and I've been told this could take up to TWO years to get this back.

f. PAIN/NERVE - this was by far my worst side effect. The chemo gets inside your bones and bone marrow, killing off your bone marrow and cells. This causes tingling and numbness in your toes and hands. The bone pain is terrible. It's sporadic, it hurts here then there and you never do get comfortable. This pain (bone pain) lasts about 1 week post-chemo. The nerve tingling never goes away. I can say that the bone pain does get better with each session and it has completely gone away (PRAISE JESUS)...but the nerve pain is permanent. They tell you this is a possibility. You get used to it - but it's definitely a lot to get used to. TAKE YOUR SUPPLEMENTS - all calcium, magnesium, vitamin B and Claritin help with the nerve damage and bone pain.

I am able to write this now - because I crossed an important hurdle - my second clear scan. I know I am not out of the woods and I may one day have to go through this all over again - but the thing is now I know I can. I know I can suffer for a duration because at the end of the suffering is a reprieve and a since of normalcy. SO DON'T GIVE UP, DON'T SURRENDER TO THE SUFFERING - you can get through it. It is only temporary. I PROMISE!

I had a great group of friends that helped me through all of the Chemotherapy - and I'll never forget any of them or be able to thank them enough for their sacrifice and love.

Chemo One:  Mark was my chemo-buddy. He was very inquisitive and comforting.

Chemo Two: My best friend Heather came up with her mom (my second mom  growing up) and we chit-chatted and the time just flew by (it was my fastest session). I felt so much love.

Chemo Three: My friend Beverly came with me. She brought books and crafts. She entertained me like no other. She kept my mind occupied on everything other than chemo. She is the best person I know!

Chemo Four: My daughter was home for the Holidays and she accompanied me. This was hard on her and me - because she hadn't been here for the others. She was inquisitive. I love her very much - and I reminded her that I fight because of her!

Chemo Five - my best friend did this one with me (she is my only repeat).

My final chemo was the funniest and most straight-forward woman I know. I could not have concluded this journey without her. Amiee - thank you!

So you have cancer - and you need chemo - all I can say is buckle in, prepare and plan to have good days and bad days. Surround yourself with those that love you and will battle for you. But most of all - PRAY. When you are sad, pray. When you are weak, pray. When you hurt, pray. God will always be there.

April