A Time of Change

This week I have been really struck by the magnificence and glory of God's artistry "nature". This is the time of year when the weather is crisp, the trees are singing with color and the aromas of Autumn leap from everywhere (hello Pumpkin Spice).

Autumn is a time for change, but also of renewal. I know most people only see a reminder of God's promises in the Spring, when everything comes back to life, but the Autumn is also a gentle reminder of his promises.

Through our salvation, we are promised an everlasting life. I think most of us walk around with an image of a blank check that we can cash in at a time of great distress, screaming to the sky "but you promised an everlasting life." When the fears of Cancer creep into my conscience I sometimes get a bit selfish and mumble something similar to God. Yet he always reminds me that his promise stands, like the Seasons.

We all know that Winter is death, Spring is renewal and Summer is slender/beauty/bounty...and Autumn is the biggest and scariest season of them all. Autumn begins with the last of the harvest, which of course is made available from the planting (Spring) and working (Summer) of the fields (or whatever you are planting). Autumn at the end also brings a very sudden cold reminder that death is here. But when you look at the last leaf dangling from the tree, remember this, it is just a season, and you have to let go of "it" so that God can work his wonders in the Winter (death). It is through this very cycle of change that the promise "springs" to life.

We can't have the planting, working and harvest, the PROMISE until we let things die. It is hard letting go of that final string that holds you back, but God promises us that he will always be there and we will be redeemed, made new and made whole in everlasting life with him in Heaven, if we will only let go, believe and follow him.

For me this change, this letting go, has been difficult. I have a scan coming up next week, and I was genuinely scared, nervous and anxious. But this week, the Lord reminded me to let go and have faith in him. He reached out to me via scripture from my friend and a song from my sister. The scripture was regarding Faith being what we Hope for and what we do not See (beautiful message) and the song was Lauren Daigle's Rescue. These independent messages are a gift to me that no matter what, my Lord has me...I may not like the season, but he has a plan and I trust in him.

I am wishing every single one of you a very Happy and Thankful Thanksgiving. I will enjoy mine.

For all of you that may be struggling with sadness, despair and depression over the holidays, please know that there are people you can reach out to.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

https://www.cancer.net/blog/2018-08/cancer-depression-and-suicide-risk-signs-watch

Be Still and Know that I am God - Psalms 46:10

Last year about this time, my world was really changing. I was undergoing my very first chemotherapy treatment. I had made some amazing new friends via a Bible Study. I had reconnected with Christ. I had found Christ's compassion and promise in my deepest fear and weakest moment. The Lord had promised me to rescue me through the fire. Literally, that was a vision I had right before my first chemo transfusion. I was in the middle of praying with a Chaplain and I saw myself kneeling before the cross. I saw the Lord transform into a healed God in all white and in all his glory. He got off the cross, looked at me and without saying a word, motioned for me to follow him. Suddenly we were surrounded by a forest on fire, but I was calm, I wasn't scared, because I was following Jesus. He guided me safely through the fire. This "hope" this "calm" that he gave me that day, was all the strength I needed to endure five more rounds of grueling chemotherapy. He saved me that day.

In the year that has past, I have had many ups and downs. I have allowed the enemy to eat away at that peace and calm, by having fear when  I had a pain or even recently when I had a spike in my CA-125 levels. But through prayer and focus on God, I once again live in peace and calm. This week has been stressful to say the least, but I have been at peace and have sought out the Joy in life that oftentimes we overlook or deny ourselves.

Do you know I truly believe most of us walk around denying ourselves the Glory that GOD has promised us. Have you ever thought that you might be doing more harm to your spirit than Satan? I know I have. Sometimes I am ashamed at how much time I entertain the evil one. I mean my thoughts can go from "smurf happy" to the "fires of hell" in one second.

So that's why today I wanted to remind everyone of my favorite verse of the bible (2018). Psalms 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God". It really doesn't get any clearer than this message right here. This message was everywhere during my cancer treatments. Friends and strangers alike were giving things to me that had this verse on it. And that my friends is "a word from God". So if God wants me (us) to be still, relax, have peace, cast our worries away, be fearless....because he's got this, then why aren't we.

There are so many verses in the bible that state that as a believer with faith, we are not supposed to waste time on fear, doubt and worry. Because when we do that we aren't just robbing ourselves of the peace promised by God, we are walking one foot in faith and one foot in the world. I don't think I need to remind anyone that walking like that is trying to serve two masters and that is something no soul can do.

I am not saying I won't have days filled with tears, but I am saying that I have freely given my cares away to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ...and his will be done!  I am here for the ride. I am here to spread his word. I am here to seek him, praise him and worship him.

Peace and Calm to everyone out there! I pray you feel compelled to spread the love and joy!

April

For my fellow cancer fighters:  I thought you might like these links!

From the American Cancer Society: https://www.cancer.org/latest-news/study-cancer-patients-with-strong-religious-or-spiritual-beliefs-report-better-health.html

From Cancer.gov:  https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/coping/day-to-day/faith-and-spirituality

Clearly - I am not alone in embracing my faith through this challenge.

Fear - it is a liar

Sometimes it is so easy for me to tell others how to stay positive and to focus on the good. Sometimes I fall short and allow fear to enter my mind. The following is a post - that I posted - in my Cancer support group today!

"Sometimes, out of nowhere, I am reminded of the fear I still have that the cancer will come back and that I will die from it. I try to remain positive all the time. I try to live like I am okay - on the other side of this disease...but the reality is that my reality is shaken and different. I wish, I hope, I pray...I want to never experience cancer again - God willing!"

It sounds like I am gripped with fear. And it is true, sometimes I allow Satan to enter my mind and tell me things about myself that God has never once said about me. I think when I let this happen to me - what I am really saying is "God, I am weak right now and I just can't be as strong as you say I am...help me." We all get to this point from time to time. 

Whether that point is from a medical diagnosis, a phone call telling us a loved one has passed, a failing grade, a feeling of rejection, a terrible heart-break...in these lonely dark moments we sometimes allow ourselves to "feel" less than we are - and that let's Satan inside our minds to fill it with doubt, fear and hopelessness. 

My truth is that there may come a day when I receive more bad news about Cancer, but I need to remind myself that God is right there with me, in the Good and the Bad. One of the visions I had during my treatments was at church. I was at church singing during worship and I instantly had a vision of Jesus. He showed himself to me at every critical stage of treatment. He was in the Surgical room (showing light to my surgeon), he was in the chair next to me during Chemotherapy holding my hand (so if you were one of Chemo Angles, know Jesus was sitting on you - lol), and he was holding my chest/stomach area during my scans. He was there every step of the way. 

That vision didn't just comfort me it awakened inside of me the power of belief, self-healing, prophetic visions, and the ability to just "know" the lord's word. All because I accepted the vision, believed (without any hesitation) what was shown to me. And yet I am here to say that even with that...I fall short and I allow fear to creep in my mind and destroy the Peace Jesus provided me. 

Ask yourself, are you actively destroying the peace given to you by Jesus? Because if we (Psalms 46:10) Be still and accept that God is God - we really don't have to worry about anything. He has never said we won't go through the hills and valleys, but he has always said "I am right there with you". 

I have such a long road in front of me - to get to where I want to be spiritually. I have to learn to overcome my fear, to let God be God, to trust in him completely. To accept his will - no matter what. I need to learn to be a humble and faithful servant to him. Because until I do these small steps in faith, I will never be ready for the larger steps of faith. I don't want to miss out on God's call and purpose for my life. 

Fear is so debilitating. It wreaks havoc on our minds and bodies. Sometimes when we think of Satan and his ability to destroy us, we conjure up images from scary movies...Satan doesn't even have to lift a finger to destroy us. We give him all the power he needs - when we focus on doubt, fear and negative thoughts. So if there is anyone else out there today swimming in self-doubt and paralyzing fear - listen to what God says about us - you - me - and his love and protection of us!

1. Isaiah 41:10 "fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

2. Philippians 4:6-7 "in nothing be anxious but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your heart and your thought in Christ Jesus."

3. Proverbs 29:25 "The fear of people proves to be a snare, but whoever puts his trust in the Lord is kept safe."

4. Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." 

5. Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble."


For anyone struggling with anxiety, fear and depression post cancer treatments...here is a great link (Cancer.org) that I hope helps.

https://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatments-and-side-effects/emotional-side-effects/anxiety-fear-depression.html

The Let Down

No one said that the journey to the top of the mountain would be easy.

I honestly don't think this post has much to do with cancer, but more to do with the maturity I have in my Faith (which I only have because of Cancer). There may be some truths in this blog that lead to some hurt feelings, but when you mature in Faith, you see things so differently.

When I started this journey I was so far from Grace. I knew of Jesus and of God's grace, but only in the absolute basic form. Now I truly know Jesus. I still fall far from being worthy of God's grace, yet he gives it to me freely.

I try my best to surround myself with other's that are walking the walk of a Christian. Yet I am reminded that Jesus did not. He chose to sit with and engage sinners, in an effort that they may feel his love, believe and change their ways. I know that is what we are meant to do as well. To spread his word, show compassion and love to those that may not know any other form of Jesus, but the form we present to them.

So as a Christian, I am self aware of the "form" of Christ I show others. Cancer has provided me an amazing platform. I am able to talk Christs's love in my many support groups and to my medical team. I'll pray for and with just about anyone in need. Even when their prayer request is so close to my own emotional rawness of Cancer and surviving. There are no ends to which I won't go to pray for someone that feels like they have no hope.

And this is going to sound, well, harsh! I actually have been more let down by those that claim to be Christians than my heathen, non-believers in my support groups. Now, obviously this is not true about a lot of my inner-circle. My friends Heather, Beverly and sister, Kim could be poster-children of Christ. But, unfortunately this can't be said about others - I'll just leave that there.

The three I mentioned see me as April and will always see me as April. They will never see me as "the girl with cancer" or "oh poor pitiful April". They will always see me as ME. Do not underestimate or undervalue the importance of your fellow Christians seeing you as a child of Christ and as a unique individual. I have a friend Amiee that never talks about my illness - and I love it. She has made a point to "live life" with me right where I am.  It is refreshing.

Sometimes I feel that Christians like to label each other, as it helps them determine their own pecking order, or allows them a quick crutch to point out someone else's blessing or shortcomings when they are struggling with their own identity in Christ. Well I hate to say this to those that think like this but I am April - I am not just Cancer. I am not just Broken. I do not need to be reminded daily of my suffering. I remind myself daily of my survival by speaking to those suffering. So I don't need my wounds to be cut open time and time again.

So the reason I feel let down by some in "faith" - is simply to do with my perspective of faith and what it is to be a Christian. Have you ever just pondered on what it is to be "saved" or to be "reborn" or to live a "Christ-like life"? It means that you shouldn't be living your life exactly as you did before given your life to Christ. And although we all fall short of being worthy of God's grace, we have a duty and an obligation, to deny the flesh and live according to his will and purpose.

Many of the people I have encountered on this journey still live a very flesh-driven lifestyle. They live without the Joy of living for Jesus. They still live for themselves, do as they want, and have not changed. It is sad to watch this. I have had to unfollow so many, because I have seen with my own "sinful eyes" how much they live for and love the world. It just breaks my heart. I know God wants us to enjoy the gifts of this World he has provided - just not everything of this world is his design/making. And I know some are rolling their eyes or saying "she sins too" - yep I do, but when I sin I repent, beg for mercy of the Lord and do my best to not do it again.

Many are living as if "I am saved" is a blank check to live life to the fullest that you can cash in at the date and time of death. NOPE - not even close to how you should be thinking if you are saved.

Cancer was a wake up call that "hey stupid - you will die - sooner than you think" - and yet many of us are living like we always have tomorrow to make it right. We have no such guarantee. If you haven't seen the movie Overcomer - this is a tiny little spoiler (but it was in a preview - so it's all good)....a sick man asks a man that visits him in the hospital to "pray for me" - and the visitor says "I will".  When the visitor comes back to visit him, the sick man is confronting him about putting God first all the time...and he asks the visitor "you said you would pray for me....DID YOU" and of course the visitor had not prayed for him.

And to make this long post summed up - I think this is my point. Many of us claim to be, act like we are and talk a huge CHRISTIAN game...but we don't live it.

Well from all my fellow caner survivors let me tell you that each and every single PRAYER is needed, wanted and longed for.

Like I said this may offend many...but if it does you need to re-read your bible. God, David, Solomon, Jesus, Peter and Paul (and many more) offended many to get their point across....and the point is that TRUE SALVATION REQUIRES CHANGE - CHANGE INSPIRES GROWTH AND GROWTH LEADS TO FAITHFUL FRUIT. 

But hey - let's see what they actually said...

From Solomon...Proverbs 4:25-27 "Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

(basically you can't have one foot in faith and one foot in the world)...it's being all in!

From Paul...Ephesians 4:31-32 "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

(we really should not gossip, not have anger or be mean spirited - and this even more especially true in our religious sections of life  - you know church, small groups, faith functions)

Galatians 5:16-18 "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law."

But I think my favorite on the "continued sin" is from John - the beloved John - 1 John 3:4-5 "Everyone who practices sin also practices lawlessness; and sin is lawlessness. You know that He appeared in order to take away sins; and in Him there is no sin. No one abides in Him sins; no one who sins has seen Him or KNOWS Him.

I love each of you and want each of you to live a life according to the will of God and to live a life full of Joy. You know - because heaven will be a little less bright without you!

Until next time,

April

Cancerversiary, Birthday, Future...oh my!

If you know anyone that has been struggling with or who is a survivor of Cancer you have heard the word "cacerversiary". The term basically is a date a patient looks on as a milestone. For me I picked the date of my initial diagnosis. Well that day has come and gone and now I am less than a week from my birthday and less than a month from spending a great weekend with my daughter to celebrate her 21st.

If I were to be honest with you all and myself, I'd tell you that in October, 2018, I didn't think I'd see any of this - and yet here I am. All I know to do is say "Glory to God" "Praise you Lord for giving me this moment, these moments". I don't know why I am here and I no longer feel guilt about being alive. God's just not done using me for his will - when he is (for all of us), we will depart from this world.

I am now active in a few online support groups and two in-person groups. I feel my only goal with all of this is to shout to the world  - I am alive because of Jesus! - and to tell my testimony and to help others struggling with the disease.

In all my "present" days that God grants me, I still struggle with sin, as we all do. I always have to remind myself that "he is greater that is in me - than he that is in the world". Wow - look at me quoting the Word of GOD - well that's a change. Sometimes I give in to guilt, worry, worldly thoughts, after all I am human. Now, I just get gentle reminders that "hey God loves you - so it's okay to be mad, angry, hurt, and to FEEL." What's not okay is to lie in that feeling and wallow and let that feeling depress me or lower me into an empty darkness. God loves me - God loves you. Cancer isn't from God. These worldly evils (mass-shootings, corruptions, etc.) are not from God. But God will use them to get our focus on him.

I have spent the past few months not writing. I have been trying to figure out how God wants to use me, what is my purpose. I mean he has given me the gift of TODAY and he hasn't failed on any of his promises he made to me. How can I serve him. How can I share him. I am still searching for that Answer - but I do know he has always said - WRITE.

We (bible group) recently read The Circle Maker and I remembered that we are supposed to dream and that God wants to help us reach the dreams we have that are in line with his will. My dreams have always been about writing. That can't be a coincidence. So I am back, writing. And I know this BLOG is choppy and not well thought out - excuse me while I brush off the cobwebs from a very long and soul-searching summer.

I don't know who this is for, but these words, this Blog, is not about me, it's about that person that has questioned God about purpose, questioned God about survival...God is using me to speak to you. God has already spoken to me about me. He has gifted me with a few amazing visions/dreams that were personal to me and my life. These words in this blog are not to comfort me or to reassure me - but to comfort and reassure you.

God uses cancer, he uses death, he uses births, he uses accidents, he uses pain, he uses joy he uses it all to speak to us. He will take the absolute darkest moment and shine light in it - you might not see it - because that light may be for someone else. So now when I am in my dark places, I pray "God help me use this to help others, help me do your Will". We are not meant to suffer (long) - because we will suffer. Jesus told his disciples that they would suffer because they believed in him. If you ever want a wake-up call at the cost of being a Christian - read how they all perished. Yet each of them followed and spread the message of Jesus anyway. So we will suffer here on earth, because we are a fallen earth. We just aren't meant to suffer long or alone. God is always with us. He sees are suffering. So if you are suffering ask "God how can I use this to do your will" - he will answer.

Cancer is not fun. It is painful. It is disgusting. It is relentless. But right now I am celebrating this little gift called "remission" and "anniversary" with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I will thank him on my birthday. I will thank him on my trip with my daughter. I will thank him when I am bent over in pain. I will thank him when my nerves in my feet and hand still burn. I will thank him when my mind goes blank and I can't remember where I am or what I am doing. I will thank him when someone's words wounds my heart. I WILL THANK HIM - BECAUSE I CAN. I STILL CAN WRITE THIS. I STILL CAN SAY THIS. LIFE IS A GIFT - WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOURS?

Many blessings to you all,

April

The Dark Side of being a Survivor

I have written about my cancer journey, from the diagnosis to the surgery and through the chemotherapy. I am now writing as a cancer survivor and what it feels and looks like. These are my current truths.

1. I am in remission. Remission is just a moment in time where God allows me to live without the pain and agony of cancer and cancer treatments. I pray that my remission is so long that I see my grandchildren graduate from high school (and I don't even have any yet) - lol! The longer I go in remission the less I feel anxiety over the constant blood work and scans. At some point and time I just have to "let go and let God"!

2. My new normal. I know you've seen the commercials about people living their new normal. My new normal is living daily with the knowledge that I have no control over what is going on inside my body, but I do have control over what I do with my body, what I put inside my body and what I do with the outside of my body. This is a bit of a struggle. I struggle with the "I know what I need to do" and the "doing what I need to do". I feel this is a struggle that we all go through though, so it's not just a "cancer survivor" thing.

3. Constant guilt. I always feel a bit of guilt when someone around me passes away from random daily things and I am still standing. I feel like screaming - "no not them...I am the one sick - take me". When I go to get my port cleaned and have my blood work taken, I feel a mixture of blessing and guilt. I look into the eyes of those hooked up to the chemo lines with compassion and feel guilty that I am healthy enough not to need it. It's hard. I do sometimes feel ashamed at myself for just living my life in a mundane and useless way. Like God didn't save me for me to just sleep, eat and work. He couldn't have done that, right?

4. My faith struggles. I am so ashamed at how far I have fallen from my God since the second scans. I have withdrawn and I don't know why. I still believe, I still pray...I just don't feel! It is something I am working on. I am trying to figure out why being blessed and healed has sent me spiraling into a deep and dark depression. It's the ugly of survivorship. No one prepares you for this. See, while I was struggling week-to-week with the treatments, I was working towards a goal. Now I am here, cleared and knowing I am meant for more, there is a calling that I am ignoring, not hearing. I know my needs for Jesus are no longer urgent, but they are. I still need him the same way I needed him when I felt like I was dying.

5. My emotions and heart. It's not that I don't love others, I do. I really do. I love people more than I let on. It's just that I am guarded. I am not guarded of fear that they will hurt me (that was me the last 40 years), I am guarded because I live with no promises of any tomorrows and I know that I may hurt them. I am scared to be accepted as a broken person, and I know this is wrong, because we are all broken.

Cancer has changed me. There are still times I feel the old me, but I see everything as urgent, as if we don't have tomorrow to change them, fix them. I used to be a bit more optimistic, but all of a sudden all I see is how broken and fallen this world is. I still see the glimmer of Glory that God called us to be and I pray that we can get back to that Glory.

I guess all I am saying is that I still need Jesus's love and compassion and promise now, more than I did when I was dying. I need to know that he didn't mess up by saving me. I need to pray for help seeing his calling, hearing his calling and doing his will. I can fail at everything else in my life, except in my relationship with him.

I feel that this blog is a bit of a rant and I do apologize, it's just where I am today. I am in a funk. I am in a place of utter disappointment in failing to feel that my saving was worth it. In a world where innocent people are slaughtered everyday, I just want to feel that I am worth this second-chance. I need to get off my rear end and make this moment count.


"Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge" (Psalm 62:8).

"Those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction" (Job 36:15).

For mental health help for survivors:

Mayo Clinic: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/cancer/in-depth/cancer-survivor/art-20047129

Cancer.net: https://www.cancer.net/survivorship/life-after-cancer/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-and-cancer

The All Clear

This was the hug I got after getting the "all clear"!

Battling cancer was not easy or fun. It was all consuming. I spent countless hours looking up symptoms, side-effects, thinking of my death, thinking of my life, praying and crying. I knew that the end-goal of chemotherapy was to be "NED" - no evidence of disease, but what is NED?

NED is when scans and blood work don't pick-up any cancer activity in the body. But this isn't a CURE - because what I learned is that we all have a free-ranging radical here and there and there will never be a CURE for me. My hope, my prayer is that I remain NED and have a good long quality of life. 

I got the call in February, 2019 that my scans came back good, that my blood work was good. I again got these same results in May, 2019. And I can tell you that it feels like the best news ever - and it is...but let me tell you how I really feel about this process.

IT SUCKS - I am living my life 3 months at a time. Close to the end of each 3 month period starts a new round of blood work and scans...and being NED means, at any time one of those could come back POSITIVE for signs of cancer growth. The faith I have in the Lord also feels like it's on a 3 month cycle...draw close near testing...pull back after results. And it's only now...like today now...that I am saying enough!

I don't want to live 3 month cycles. I don't want the great highs and great lows (or great anxiety times). I want to just live and breathe and live each day as if it's a blessing from our Lord...because in reality this is the TRUTH for us all.  None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, yet we all assume we have an infinite number of days and hours. Having cancer does put this more in perspective - but only by putting me in a more narrow mind-set. 

What if we lived each day like it were our last...what would you do with it? What would I do with it? Would I waste it on fear, sadness, regret, and loss? Or would I use that time to embrace life, love and happiness? I hope it would be the latter. I watched both my parents pass-away (too early) and each of their deaths taught me about "how to die". My mother in a nut-shell killed herself (alcoholism) - and she chose not to fight for life and to be selfish and think only of herself, her pain and her suffering. Don't get me wrong I will always love and cherish the woman that was my mother, but that doesn't mean what she did didn't hurt me and leave me with many questions. Her funeral was chaos and HATE- not anything close to a celebration or loving memorial. If you had of known the woman before the woman she turned into with alcohol, well...that woman would have had love and joy at her funeral. 

My father on the other hand had a disease that slowly killed him. He fought every which way he could to be here just one more day, one more minute...he loved everyone and told everyone he loved them before he passed away. His last words to me were words of love and forgiveness - words that set me free from years of guilt over our difficult relationship. His funeral was a party, a homecoming, a celebration with singing and music and everything about life he loved. There were tears, of missing him, but there was love and joy and thankfulness that he no longer struggled to get air into his lungs. It was PEACEFUL. My Uncle Joe told me the day we buried him that about a month prior to his passing he had given his life to the Lord and was a Christian. I don't think my father was ever a non-believer, he was just one of those that was open to all thoughts and knowledge of religions...I am forever thankful that Jesus reached out to him prior to his death.

So all of this brings me to why I had the realization TODAY to live fully in the grace of GOD everyday...ADAM.  That's right Adam. I heard a sermon today that will forever change my thinking of our Lord. When Adam and Eve fell in the Garden of Eden...they HID from God...God didn't hide from them....and GOD came looking for them. OUR GOD SEEKS US!!!! He wants a relationship with us. It wasn't Adam desperately trying to find God after he messed up, it was God that came after him and said "I see what you've done and I LOVE YOU ANYWAY"!  

See now I know I can look straight into death and have no worries. For when that time comes, I know I am ready. I am ready to be called home where I belong. I wish to see my child get married, I wish to see my grandchildren...and if my Lord allows that to happen so be it...if not here is a small list of things he has already blessed me with:

1. An amazing daughter that loves me so much she ran off the softball field and about knocked me over to embrace me and cry happy tears with me when I reached NED.

2. A stepfather, Tommy, that even though our relationship has been up/down - he has been the role-model that has shaped my moral compass and without his influence (strict), I may have fallen so far that I was unable to stand back up. And my father, Steve, for passing on his quirks...I love Jeopardy, I love my alone time, I love my garden time, I love the quietness of fidgeting or reading something, I love life, I love Ketchup!

3. My mother - I always knew growing up that I was the center of her life (even thought it should have been Jesus) - just saying I know I was loved.

4. All my friends - all of them!!! But for the longest relationship in my life to be with BFF (lol) Heather - for us to have survived puberty, teenager years, the boys, adulthood, marriage, children, geographical distances, different times in life coming into being saved and now menopause/pre-menopause...well I can think of no other I'd have shared all of that with.

5. My knowledge - God gave the brain I have knowing I was always going to want to fill it with facts and wonder. It's a gift that I enjoy using every day. 

6. My strength - I could look back on my childhood and say "why me" - but instead God was just shaping me to have the strength I was going to need to endure 5 years of hell...buried 2 parents, got divorced, my only child went AWAY to college, lost friends, made friends, lost my morals, found my morals, lost my religions, found JESUS and BATTLED AND SURVIVED CANCER! He knew what he was doing. 

So God, I am not hiding anymore...and I am seeking you - please don't ever stop seeking me!

April

For more on NED:

https://www.mskcc.org/experience/living-beyond-cancer/resources-survivors/what-cure

CHEMOTHERAPY - THE TRUTH

My vessels saw me through every inch of this battle! I am changed forever by their friendship and love!

On September 17, 2018 I received my final diagnosis. I was Stage IV-B (the absolute worse diagnosis). I was informed I would need months of Chemotherapy, but that they (my amazing medical team) were confident that I could reach remission (no longer curable - although my medical team is spiritual and they still use the "Cure" word).

I remember going in for my "Chemo-Counseling" and looking at all the forms I had to sign and touring the facility that would be my second home for the next few months.  I am sitting here four-months removed from my last session and I finally have it in me to tell you all the truth about chemotherapy.

1. THE DRUGS: My chemotherapy was two different types of poison (Paclitaxel and Carboplatin "Carbo Taxol"). Before chemo (the first 2 sessions) I would take 10 (that's right TEN) doses of Steroids. The Steroids were taken so that my body would have less of an allergic reaction to the poison being administered. I would be in the chemo-room (chair) from about 7:45 a.m. until about 4:00 p.m. and the day went like this:

a. Check in, get weighed (your weight determines the amount of poison you can get), get settled into your chair and have blood taken. Blood is taken to determine if you can get chemo (your liver needs to be actively working, your kidneys need to be functioning and your White Blood Count and Platelets needs to be in range to receive the poison. Your Red Blood Count needs to be normal too, but you will still get Chemotherapy even if you are severely anemic (I received 2 blood transfusions throughout the treatments). This takes about one - two hours.

b. Once labs come back and you are cleared to receive Chemotherapy - you start with your pre-meds (the medications that they hope will make the process less painful). I received IV or Oral Benedryl (again trying to prevent me from having an adverse reaction, another round of steroids, a couple of doses of anti-nausea meds and an ativan for good measure - lol). This takes up about one - two hours - and now my favorite part LUNCH (my chemo angels would always go get me lunch). In my six sessions, I tended to have salads from Wendy's, Panera, Subway and Zoes.

c. The first time I actually received the chemo drugs, I cried. I had just been prayed over by one of the Chaplains and my vision of Jesus leading me through the fire was enough to give the the strength needed to voluntarily allow someone to administer poison into my veins. The nurses who are with me all day checking vitals and talking to me, are now dressed in bio-hazard robes, masks and gloves - they can't even touch the bag holding the drug (just in case) - yet this liquid will now be in my body. One of my poisons took 1.5 hours to be administered and the other took 3 hours to be administered.

2. THE SIDE EFFECTS - one of the forms I had to sign during my chemo-counseling was an awareness and acceptance of the "possible" side effects of receiving poison. Each one of my chemotherapy drugs came with it's own set of "possible" side effects. I will forever be indebted to my chemo-nurse, Marie. She highlighted the ones that were "MOST LIKELY" to occur. Out of the over twenty possibilities here is what I had:

a. HAIR LOSS - by the third week after my first does, what was left of my hair began to just fall out. I had a party right before chemo started with my closest friends and together we cut my hair off, so that I had some control over the things happening to me. I HIGHLY SUGGEST THAT EVERY WOMAN DO THIS. If I had not cut my hair and had witnessed large clumps falling out - it would have been more devastating. I can honestly say that cancer humbled me, but chemo made me embrace the fact that being a woman is more than our hair and beauty. I wore wigs from October 2018 - first week of February 2019. If you get a wig - make sure you get a cotton wig cap, your scalp will thank you. Embrace this one time where you can literally be any color you want every day of the week. After my last chemo, about a week after, I decided I was done being ashamed of my baldness, and I just went with it - NO REGRETS. It's my battle scar. It's my warrior cry. It's me being exactly who God made me to be.  FOUR MONTHS OUT - AND I HAVE A VERY SHORT PIXIE. It does grow back. Actually, I need to shave my legs for the first time in 7 months.

b. STOMACH - I threw up, I had diarrhea, I was severely constipated. These symptoms begin about day 2 after the chemo. Of the three the worse was the constipation. It was so bad, I didn't want to eat just to not have to struggle. This side effect lasts from day two until about day seventeen (my cycles were every 21 days). You will also be extremely nauseated from day 2 through day 14. It gets better as the days go on - keep taking your nausea meds - they help. I would have a good 4 to 5 days every cycle. All I can suggest is to try the Senecot, keep your team informed and take all their recommendations - TRUST ME NOTHING YOU SAY IS SOMETHING THEY HAVEN'T HEARD.  My bowels have returned to somewhat normalcy. I occasionally still need a little help. I have found that taking a daily Pre-Biotic and Pro-Biotic have helped a lot.

c. SMELLS AND TASTES - I got to the point that the smell and taste of cinnamon made me vomit. Everything tasted like metal. Water smelled like chemicals. I once told my chemo-nurse that the only thing (in my 2 bad weeks) that I could handle was Wendy's Chili and Frosty. She laughed and said that made sense - because all our bodies can make out (remember all of your fast-multiplying cells are dying off) is the extremes HOT/COLD. So keep that in mind. I will say that there is hope. I am 4 months post-chemo and the only thing I still don't like is cinnamon. Oh yea - don't freak out if everything tastes like metal or like fish during your cycles - that is normal and does go away.

d. EARS/EYES - eyes went blurry and there was ringing in my ears. This is a common side-effect as well. My eyes are somewhat back to normal - with glasses (which I needed anyways) and unfortunately the ringing in my ear is permanent - and this is something that is explained to you during your chemo-counseling. I will see an ENT soon to see if there is any way to help with the ringing.

I have saved my most difficult side-effect for last. I feel like everything above these was manageable. I knew I could get through them. These last two - well...

e. BRAIN FOG - you have heard the phrase "Chemo Brain" - this is the state in which your memory gets a bit foggy, you get forgetful. The drugs play a huge part in your short-term memory being disrupted. I can honestly say that anything important that happened between October 2018 and NOW - well I've had to journal it to remember it. This has impacted my job and this has not been fun. I still struggle with my memory and I've been told this could take up to TWO years to get this back.

f. PAIN/NERVE - this was by far my worst side effect. The chemo gets inside your bones and bone marrow, killing off your bone marrow and cells. This causes tingling and numbness in your toes and hands. The bone pain is terrible. It's sporadic, it hurts here then there and you never do get comfortable. This pain (bone pain) lasts about 1 week post-chemo. The nerve tingling never goes away. I can say that the bone pain does get better with each session and it has completely gone away (PRAISE JESUS)...but the nerve pain is permanent. They tell you this is a possibility. You get used to it - but it's definitely a lot to get used to. TAKE YOUR SUPPLEMENTS - all calcium, magnesium, vitamin B and Claritin help with the nerve damage and bone pain.

I am able to write this now - because I crossed an important hurdle - my second clear scan. I know I am not out of the woods and I may one day have to go through this all over again - but the thing is now I know I can. I know I can suffer for a duration because at the end of the suffering is a reprieve and a since of normalcy. SO DON'T GIVE UP, DON'T SURRENDER TO THE SUFFERING - you can get through it. It is only temporary. I PROMISE!

I had a great group of friends that helped me through all of the Chemotherapy - and I'll never forget any of them or be able to thank them enough for their sacrifice and love.

Chemo One:  Mark was my chemo-buddy. He was very inquisitive and comforting.

Chemo Two: My best friend Heather came up with her mom (my second mom  growing up) and we chit-chatted and the time just flew by (it was my fastest session). I felt so much love.

Chemo Three: My friend Beverly came with me. She brought books and crafts. She entertained me like no other. She kept my mind occupied on everything other than chemo. She is the best person I know!

Chemo Four: My daughter was home for the Holidays and she accompanied me. This was hard on her and me - because she hadn't been here for the others. She was inquisitive. I love her very much - and I reminded her that I fight because of her!

Chemo Five - my best friend did this one with me (she is my only repeat).

My final chemo was the funniest and most straight-forward woman I know. I could not have concluded this journey without her. Amiee - thank you!

So you have cancer - and you need chemo - all I can say is buckle in, prepare and plan to have good days and bad days. Surround yourself with those that love you and will battle for you. But most of all - PRAY. When you are sad, pray. When you are weak, pray. When you hurt, pray. God will always be there.

April

Everyone Needs a Ruth

Me and my Ruth 1989 (age 14)

Have you read the Book of Ruth? It's a story of Loss/Love and Redemption. Ruth refuses to leave her mother-in-law after they have lost everything. She travels with her to a land not of her own, works to support her and her mother-in-law and falls in love with Boaz. Through her marriage with Boaz we get King David and eventually Jesus Christ.  There's a verse in the Book of Ruth that just crushes me with it's power...

Ruth 1:16 Ruth replied "don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God."

Have you ever had someone drop everything. leave everything to show you love and comfort, to be there in your darkest hour...well I have!

The complications with my surgery required me staying in the hospital longer than anticipated. Prior to the surgery, I had arranged for my best friend, Heather, to stay with me a couple of days. Well once things went bad, she dropped everything and came. She stayed with me for a week. Now, this wasn't a small gesture because she is a very busy woman. She has a family with kids, she is vital to many different ministries and functions with her Church and she rearranged everything to be there for me. I remember half way through her being there I asked myself, "would I have done the same"?

Many of us have great thoughts of what we would do if...but when the time comes, we find reasons why we can't do those things. In the Bible, Ruth had many reasons not to follow Naomi, but she did it anyway. Heather had many other commitments on her plate, but dropped them all in my hour of need.

During her stay we talked a lot about faith, we prayed, we laughed and she showed me love and friendship in a way that only cancer allowed me to see. From that week, my heart really started to melt and I started to really feel humbled before God and before my friends. I saw that I had not always been a good friend or family member.  It saddened me to know that I could have been so much more in my life, but I had let pride, stubbornness and pettiness close my heart and make me bitter. Before cancer, I could never have seen myself being a Ruth for anyone. Even my daughter can attest to how many times I'd say I was coming to visit her on campus, but then find a reason not to. I always let the world and life prevent me from truly living, truly loving and truly giving myself to others.

The sad part of all of this is that isn't that what Jesus has done for us? Didn't he give up everything to show us love? He loves all the time. He loves us in spite of us!

My biggest take away from that first week home with Heather was that I could see the us that we were at age 11, at age 16, at age 20+ and as the middle aged women (lol) that we have grown into. It was comforting to know that in all of those ages God loved us, nurtured us and prepared us for that moment in time...that moment that one of us would need the other to drop all and run to the other. I know now that if she, or any of my friends and family, ever needed me, I would drop all and run to them.

Have a blessed week!

April

If you or anyone you know is going to be having a Hysterectomy (for any reason) - I highly recommend this site. It is a wealth of knowledge and support.

https://www.hystersisters.com/

The Redemptive Power of the Blood of Christ

I remember waking up from Surgery. My eyes blinked a few times, I saw a nurse and my doctor far off in the distance. I closed my eyes again. The nurse spoke, but I didn't really hear her words. I closed my eyes again. My doctor was now over me talking. You know in the movies when people are half awake, blinking their eyes and someone is telling them something important, some life lesson they need to know, and they only half hear it...that was me. I remember him saying I had to cut you (not part of the plan), there was a lot more than we thought, I think you might be Stage III. I am sure he said a lot more...but I didn't hear him.

I think they let me sleep a few more minutes, then they were really trying to wake me up, but telling me not to move too much. The recovery nurse informed me my family was still waiting to see me and that she was going to go tell them what room I was being moved to. I was in and out of sleep and awake states. I felt them moving my bed and I woke up to see my Aunt Aleta, Uncle John, and Pop (Ronnie) as we were all getting on the elevator together (at least I think we all got on). My Aunt will tell people that I began saying things that made no sense and that I didn't remember (hello powerful drugs). But honestly I do remember hearing a woman on the hall I was on screaming "help, help they are killing me" (turns out that was actually being said - I'd find that out the next night). And I do remember trying to crack a joke about being on the "death ward". I was trying to lighten the mood, I knew that they knew things had not gone as planned. I was scared, but trying hard not to let that show.

They stayed a couple of hours with me...and then I was alone. Those drugs were great, I got sleep, I had a pump that allowed me to hit a button to get a shot to go back to sleep, and I did this on and off from 10:00 p.m. until about 5:00 a.m. (when every nurse, every tech, etc.) comes in to the room to check this, take blood, review things. And it was at this time that I realized for the first time, I really wasn't in any pain. I actually asked to get up and walk around the hall. That wasn't easy. It's not that it was super painful (the incision and stuff) - it's that they cut your muscle in your stomach (long ways), so to sit up and to get up are very hard to do. The nurse after the walk asked me what my pain scale was, and I knew I shouldn't say 0 - lol (I just had major surgery), but compared to how I was before surgery, it felt like 0. I think I told her 2. She thought I was still drugged up, but I had stopped hitting that button around 3:00 a.m. I was on a mission to pee, poop and leave the hospital.

Between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. all the nurses are busy looking and reading from last nights reports and transitioning shifts, so I was alone in my thoughts. I started to think about what the Doctor had said about Stage 3, the fact that my cancer, which had only been seen to be in my uterine wall, had advanced and had spread to the following organs: Ovaries, Fallopian Tubes, Cervix, Vaginal Cuff, had gone outside the womb and had wrapped itself around my Colon and Rectum. But I wasn't in pain anymore and I actually felt better, not worse. I started to think about my Aunt Mary who had died at age 43 from Colon Cancer. I started to think about my own death.

Around 8:00 a.m. this thin, meek woman walked in and introduced herself as Chaplain Marie. She asked how I was feeling and asked if she could pray with me. I started to talk to her about my thoughts of praying (which if you read this blog you know at this point I was not receptive to praying for myself), when my boss walked in. She excused herself and told me she'd check back in on me.  My boss sat with me and told me about the surgery, what the doctor had told them and his thoughts of my survival. He told me that my family members contacted my daughter and told them bad/wrong Prognosis, and that he went out into the parking lot and called Brittany and told her exactly what the doctor did, what he found and that the Doctor was still optimistic. I am very thankful to him for that.

After he left, Marie came back in. I had finally found the strength to confess to her why I was so weak at prayer, how I felt unworthy, but that I welcomed her praying for me. She said that she would pray with me, and that at any time I felt comfortable to pray out loud for my own self, to do so. She grabbed my hands and started praying. Her hands were so warm, her voice so sweet, her demeanor so loving. I don't remember what she was saying, I just remember this vision, this feeling I was having:

          - as she was praying, my mind went quiet, I was intently listening to her words, feeling the love and warmth of her presence. AND OUT OF NOWHERE - I saw my own self (my body) being washed by blood. I got really warm, felt tingly and felt accepted and loved and I spoke out loud a small prayer for myself. -

I didn't really know what to make of it at that moment, but I knew something was different. I thanked her tremendously, told her she made me feel better, and as she was leaving Pop came in and spent a good 6 hours with me, just so I wouldn't be alone.

I spent the next day and a half in the hospital. The calming presence that came over me, was enough to motivate me to get up, walk, get out of the bed and to do what I could to get well and go home. I am not going to lie and say that I was not worried about my prognosis or if I would die, I just didn't dwell on it (then).

I later would discuss what happened with a good friend that is close to God and has a lot of biblical knowledge. And that person reminded me that what I had seen was Jesus forgiving me of my sins. I tried to rebuke this (after all do any of us ever feel worthy of his love and sacrifice?) and I stated that my understanding of salvation was that the sinner had to ask for it, repent, and accept Jesus into their life/heart. The person pointed out to me, that I had been teetering for a month about my lack of worthiness and that God had heard all the conversations I had had with people during that time, and that during that time, I had never renounced him, denied him or stated my unbelief, I had only stated my unworthiness. The person stated that when the Chaplain walked into the room and asked if she could pray with me, I SAID YES AND THAT ALL GOD WAS WAITING FOR, WAS MY YES. God already knew my need, knew my heart, he just wanted my YES. The power of that blood-bath was the most powerful thing I have ever experienced in my life.

Ephesians 1:7 In him we have redemption through the blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with riches of God's grace.

Hebrews 9:14 How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!

I AM FOREVER CHANGED

God bless you all and thank you for reading.

If a you or a loved one are receiving treatment for Cancer through Bon Secours and are in need of chaplain services, here is the contacts:

Hampton Roads
https://bonsecours.com/hampton-roads/patients-and-visitors/spiritual-care

Richmond
https://bonsecours.com/richmond/community-commitment/mission-services/spiritual-care-services

Surgery and the Lead- Up

Photo taken about 1 month after surgery (me and my daughter)

I am going to forewarn you, my reader, that this blog may be long. I have been waiting to write this one. You'll learn, if you have cancer, or if you know someone that does, that survivors don't like to relive these moments, the painful moments. But in order to take you, the reader, to an understanding of why my life is forever changed for the better, because of cancer, I must go back to the most painful moment of my life, both physically and spiritually.

Around my 44th birthday, I scheduled my surgery to take place the Wednesday after Labor Day, September 5, 2018. Up until one week prior to surgery, I was eating Aleve and Advil like candy to take away the pain I was in. If you remember from my last blog, I kept that pain level hidden from everyone...until I couldn't. At my pre-op appointment, they informed me of all these instructions regarding food, liquids and medications. One of them was to immediately stop taking NSAIDS (you know Aleve and Advil). They told me to take Tylenol instead (and then after I complained of severe pain less than 24 hours later, I was given Percocet). Well Tylenol with Oxy (Percocet) works on pain for like maybe a couple of hours, but doesn't do anything for the reason you are in pain. The NSAIDS were reducing the swelling (which surgery would highlight all the areas swollen with cancer).

When you are going to have a hysterectomy, you plan your life for those 6 weeks that you are recuperating, by cleaning, organizing at work, organizing and planning for the after-care. I had my last week prior to surgery to do that stuff, but it didn't happen. I couldn't stand, sit, sleep, walk. I lived to take my next dose of Percocet. I knew then that my surgery was going to reveal something worse than the anticipated Stage One little baby cancer they thought I had. Pain like that is so intense that it had me question suicide. I just knew I was going to die. So then my plans went from organizing prior to surgery, to I want to see my daughter one last time. She will never know what I did to make it to see her that Sunday. I traveled with my boyfriend. He was traveling to see his daughter at UVA and from there we would go to West Virginia to see my daughter. My medications they gave me for pain had a 6 hour relief window and an 8 hour dosing window. I had that trip nailed to the exact hours so that she would not see me in pain. I was in anguish sitting for the 2 hours to Richmond to stop and see my step-dad, the 2 hours to eat with him, the 2 hours to UVA, and I wanted to be a good girlfriend and watch the game with Mark, but the pain and the passing of blood were too much for me to handle. He went to the game. I went to the Hotel.

I laid in the tub (hot water was the only thing that soothed me) and seriously thought about taking my own life. Again, I just knew I was going to die anyway on the surgery table. A couple of random things happened while I was in that tub (we all know now, nothing is random). Brittany called me and her best friend, Mandy was texting me. Both of them made reference to coming home over the Winter Holidays and seeing me then. Both of them were talking future plans, and the suicide thoughts ended for that night. I was able to eat and slept maybe 4 hours, all in preparation to drive another 4 hours to see Brittany. Halfway to see her, I cheated and took an 800mg Motrin. I told Mark, that if I died because of it, so be it. I was going to see my child. I risked everything left in me to get to her because her school was not allowing or maybe the better word is not supporting her need to come home and be with me, and before I died on any surgical table, I wanted her to look me in the eyes when I said "you are my everything and I love you more than life".

By the time we got to her campus, the motrin and percocet were in full gear and I told Mark that I had maybe 3 hours of good feeling left. We ate lunch, talked and I let her see me as normal. Then when we took her back to campus and I had to say goodbye...well it was absolutely the hardest thing I ever had to do. I didn't want to let her go. I didn't want to see her cry. I couldn't stop crying. In one breath I am telling her about insurance policies, banking accounts, etc. and in the other breath I am telling her that everything would be fine...and then I think I told her I didn't have a good feeling about the outcome. We both cried.

Pulling away from campus was painful. I started quietly crying. We hit the mountains and I started balling. I started confessing to Mark that I knew I was going to die, because I was a sinner and was undeserving of being saved. I started calling out all of my sins. I confessed that I was too far gone to even pray for myself. THAT'S RIGHT I DID NOT PRAY FOR MYSELF. I am sure he was thinking who is this person sitting next to me and how do I get her out of my vehicle. I cried out of sorrow and pain the 6 hours it took to get home.

The day before surgery was HELL, due to me having to stop taking all pain medications by midnight. I didn't sleep, because the last pain medicine I took at 11:59 p.m. only lasted until 3am. So from 3am until about 8am I crawled, climbed, rolled, bathed, rocked, walked, cried...I yelled at God...everything I could do to make it to the hospital. The pain was so bad. To all my readers that have been in pain before, I am talking pain worse than toothache, worse than labor pain, this was beyond a 10 on their happy face scale. This was DEATH. I was so relieved to make it to the hour in which my former father-in-law arrived to pick me up (and my Aunt). My Aunt told me to call ahead and tell them how much pain I was in. I did. I must have looked stricken with agonizing pain, because I think I only sat in the lobby like 10 minutes.

In the pre-op room, where you clean off, gown up and wait to be rolled to Surgery. I couldn't sit still for the nursed to do anything with me. They had my aunt come back with me (I guess they were hoping she could calm me down). They called me in some Morphine (that's right people - the all powerful Morphine) and about 20 minutes later it arrived. They shot that in my veins and like a minute later I saw panic in my Aunt's face. She said "you didn't feel that?" I told her that I was in the same pain. They ordered me another shot and 10 minutes later my 10+ pain went to about an 8. Which meant I could lay in the bed and look at the people in the room for the first time in days...I could focus on things other than pain. I gave my Aunt and father-in-law notes (told them not read them until "after"). Each one was last-thoughts note - what to do, who to call if things went bad. Then my boss came into the room. A few minutes later they were wheeling me into surgery. In the travels, they gave me a shot of something that numbed me, but I still could feel the swelling sensation.

I was than introduced to my "Anesthesia team" and they gave me a shot....and then I was out....

I know this is a lot to take in. My own thoughts of ending it all because of pain, yet our Lord and savior suffered a far worse and painful death. Some of you might question me when I say I was unable to pray for myself, but I was. I only remember talking to God the morning of surgery and it was a desperate cry to stop the pain. I was not praying for any eternal or soul saving relief.

At the moment I got that shot that put me out, I was a broken, broken, broken woman with no faith, no hope and no salvation. I was willing myself to die. I had prepared to die. There was not light at the end of the tunnel. Just death.

My heart was bitter.

Proverbs 19:3 The foolishness of man ruins his way, and his heart rages against the Lord.

But my savior, Jesus, he was watching.

1 Peter 4:1 Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourself also with the same attitude, because whoever suffers in the body is done with sin.

Thank you for reading, have a blessed week!


Facts about cancer pain (and if you are in pain - SPEAK TO YOUR DOCTOR)
https://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatments-and-side-effects/physical-side-effects/pain.html

Embracing Love and Family - Thank you Chris Jett

In July and August of 2018, while waiting on diagnosis and testing, I like most of you had a handful of family outings to attend.

But on the weekend before my results came in, I had a two-fer...lol (two family events in one day). This happens to me all the time. It actually worked out in my favor, because it provided me a day, just one, to tell everyone everything and then to refocus on "pretending" I was okay.

My first outing was with my biological dad's family. We had a little gathering to celebrate summer birthdays and show love to each other. Through the years we have all spread out and it takes a big event to get us all back together. I started off talking to my beloved Aunt Aleta, my second mama. She is a nurse and had been one of my earliest calls when things were going wrong. I slowly made my way through most of my relatives. I was upbeat, they were upbeat. I said it was nothing, they said it was nothing. We ate and just shared life with one another. Strange as it sounds, looking back on it, I was comforting them more than they were comforting me. After all it had been less than five years since we buried my dad and one of his brothers is in ill-health (love you Uncle Jimmy). So the last thing I wanted to do was burden them with bad news. I promised to keep them all informed, shared hugs and left.

At this point in my day, I still was more optimistic than scared. It weighed on me, but not too much. I was actually starting to believe I may have dodged a bullet.

Then I got to my stepdad's. Comparing my step-father to my biological father is like comparing night to day. My step-dad is practical, thrifty, strict and stickler for the rules. My dad would give away things to those in need, always helped others, was easy-going, had his own set of rules and definitely was not thrifty. So, as I got closer to his driveway, the same driveway I first drove on, the house I grew up in, dread started to make it's way into my head and heart. I would be seeing my Sister, Kim and her family and having a mid-summer cook-out. We all have that one person in our life, that just personifies perfection and makes every thing look doable and easy. That's my Sister, Kim. She has done life RIGHT and let me just say, God has blessed her for her faith and loyalty. She has always been in the back of my mind the image of what I "could" be if I "tried".

We were preparing plates to go outside and eat and I found myself in the Kitchen with my brother-in-law, Chris. God knew what he was doing putting those two together, they just compliment one another with a seamless ease. Where one stops, the other begins. I love them both dearly, but have never been close to them. We do holidays and family things, but we don't visit or share on a deeper level (which is definitely my fault).

I digress, so..I was in the kitchen making my plate and had had to go to my car to grab Alleve (my candy) to ease the pain. There I am taking pain medication and I just start telling him things that I hadn't even told myself. I told him of my fear, my weakness, my failure in Christ and he just looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me I was loved. He told me he'd pray for me. He shared with me a story about someone he knew that went through something similar (WARNING - TO ALL MY NEWLY DIAGNOSED LADIES - EVERYONE KNOWS SOMEONE WITH CANCER - AND THEY ALL HAVE RECIPES, TREATMENTS, SUPPLEMENTS - ADVICE-----GRIN----SMILE----SAY THANKS).

What Chris didn't know is that I had stopped believing that I was in deed loved by God, loved by family, loved at all. I had, for so long, given up on love and faith. I was cold and a loner (hence why I never visited much). His reaction to me gave the strength to then tell my sister and my step-dad. I think I knew then that my world was about to change, but I didn't know how, why, when or my response.

For most of us we categorize love into "Romantic"  "Maternal" and "Familiar/Friend". I think because we do this we reduce love to a word that means a little more than "like". After all how many times do you say "I love those shoes, that food, that movie, that song...etc." But, what my brother-in-law did was recognize my inner pain (trust me I was trying to hide it) and not say "you'll be okay"...but say "no matter the outcome, you are loved by God and IT WILL BE OKAY". His words woke me up, softened my heart which then was open to start receiving on a greater level after my surgery.

Love is so huge, so important that if you had to sum up the entire Bible into one word it would be LOVE!

I am not sure there is a word greater than "thank you" to express my gratitude to him for how he handled that moment. He definitely embodies "grace" and he and my sister live a life full of faith and love that just being around them is like being a little closer to God.

1 Corinthians 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 John 4:16 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Jeremiah 31:3 The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness."

AND OF COURSE THE GREATEST ACT OF LOVE IS DESCRIBED IN JOHN 3:16

     "FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD THAT HE GAVE HIS ONE AND ONLY SON, THAT WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM SHALL NOT PERISH BUT HAVE ETERNAL LIFE."

I will definitely touch more on family in a later blog, because I have barely mentioned my daughter so far and she definitely is a huge part of why I am still here blogging away.


Links:

For loved ones caring for a family member with cancer: https://www.cancer.org/treatment/caregivers.html

God bless - April

Divine Intervention "Selecting the Physician"

Once I was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer on August  9, 2018, I had to tell the OBGYN who and where I wanted to be treated with. She had offered to refer me if I did not know of anyone, but this is the Doctor that had treated me unprofessionally, and I didn't want the very weight of my life to rest in her hands.

Prior to my diagnosis, I had been working for the same law firm for over 14 years (Ferguson, Rawls & Raines, PC). I have a solid relationship with the lawyer I work with. On August 7th I knew that she was going to tell me I had cancer, based solely on her callous text message about "monkey wrench in her surgical plans".  There I was crying at my desk (after reading that) and my boss (Randy Raines) walked by and looked scared (he had emotionally supported me through all the testing). He hugged me, walked away to the conference room and was on his phone for a long time (not unusual).

While he was on the phone, I had been looking at odds/news/treatments/physicians/surgeons that treated my cancer. I absolutely was numb, unable to process any of it. After all, I was only 43, in the summer of my life and finally living a confident life. This was an unwanted and unplanned speed-bump.

About an hour after my encounter with my boss, he came to my desk with a ripped piece of yellow legal-pad paper. On the piece of paper were two names. Randy looked at me and said "I called all the doctors I know and trust and these are the two physicians in the area that they agree upon". This man whom I have worked along side since month before turning 30, looked teary eyed and sad. I looked at the two names on the piece of paper and looked back at him. He then said "the first one there is the one my buddies (all doctors) said they'd send their own wives and mothers too if they had cancer". I hugged him and thanked him and then went to Google to look up these two physicians.

I decided to walk into my appointment on August 9th with the first name on the list. The selection was based solely on my boss' friends referral and the smile on his face on his website. He looked like someone that I could trust. My selection was Dr. Christopher McCann (much more about him later) and he turned out to be a masterful surgeon and super optimistic Gynecological Oncologist. 

The thing that is amazing about all of this, is that had I been responsible for searching and finding my own oncologists, I probably would have gone with someone from Sentara/Virginia Oncology, as they are the areas largest oncology group and that would have been horrible for me. And, there was a time period two years prior to my diagnosis, that I was offered a chance to leave my job and work for another attorney...and I had accepted that position, so my caring boss' intervention in selecting the person that save my body/life, almost never happened.

This moment two years prior (of taking the job offer) was highlighted in my mind February, 2019 after the Devoted Women's Conference (Wave Church). One of the speakers (Sharon) spoke about a time she was taking a new job and even though the job had more money, better hours, and was closer to home, she had a bad feeling in her gut about it. She said she even drove by the place at odd hours just to see what it was about the place that didn't sit well. In the end, she chose not take the job because of the feeling she had.

This same thing happened to me in 2016. I had taken the job, given my notice to Randy and was preparing myself for what I thought was a better job. My boss was sad, his wife was sad, I was sad, but wanted something new...but it just wouldn't settle right in my gut. I couldn't get peace about it. I was sitting in the locker room at my gym putting on my shoes when something just hit me...don't take this job. I immediately texted my boss and said "is it too late for me to rescind my resignation"...his reply was "what resignation".

You see even though I wasn't living a righteous life at the time, even though I wasn't praying at the time, even though I sinned (greatly) at the time...God was still there, still looking out for me, and he knew!!! He knew that I didn't need to stay where I was for 2016, but that in 2018 I was going to need to be in position where my loyalty was to come into play. Any new boss would not have valued me to the point of contacting friends and colleagues to find a physician. Any new boss would not have let me work as I could through Chemotherapy.

God knew that the decision I was making in 2016 was going to negatively impact my need in 2018. I will always be grateful to my Lord for being my divine intervention and for him knowing my needs before they ever existed. I will also be forever grateful to Randy for caring so much that he found exactly who I needed to look after me.

Be mindful of every decision you make today, because those decisions ripple down to the rest of your life and know this...God knew us, God knows us, God will always have plans for us!

Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

As always trust in the Lord!

Amen

April

Links:

Oncologist Search:
https://www.cancer.net/navigating-cancer-care/cancer-basics/cancer-care-team/choosing-doctor-your-cancer-care

My physician - Dr. Christopher McCann:
https://bonsecours.com/hampton-roads/find-a-provider/providers/physicians/christopher-mccann?utm_source=local-listing&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=website-link

The Diagnosis

This picture was taken before any doctor appointment or test. This was the last weekend before those began. I had had my routine exam which which lead my PCP to start ordering test. That picture really says a lot. That day was a long awaited visit with my childhood best-friend. I had confided with her over lunch that I was nervous about the upcoming test. She laughed with me, cried with me and of course smiled with me. So this is me before cancer! (well kind of - because I had had the cancer for a while).

My testing went like this: July 2nd week: Vaginal Ultrasound (which took 1 week to get results back), July 3rd week: met with another doctor to discuss Ultrasound (the finding was ????  maybe I just had ovarian cyst, maybe I had a fibroid, and there was this weird deterioration of my Uterine lining). She felt I was candidate for a regular Hysterectomy and that wold clear it all up. But she wanted to do a Biopsy first. July 4th week: had biopsy (no one prepared me for the pain - my cervix was dilated as if I was half way through contractions. After the biopsy, the doctor said "looks good, one little polyp, but I think we actually may be able to get away with just an ablation." I left there thinking maybe I had dodged a huge bullet.

Then the "email message from that doctor - 4 days later" - "your results have thrown a monkey wrench into our plans, please make an appointment". 

I honestly didn't even need her tell me the actual results. I already had done my research and knew that the biopsy could only come back 3 ways (clear, hyperplasia (which would have meant a Hysterectomy or Ablation) or cancer). I cried.

I got in to see her four days later. She came into the room with a smile on her face and said "you've got cancer, but it's the good kind and it'll be no big thing". I held it together and made my way to my car and just sobbed. I wasn't even 44 yet and I had cancer. I kept running through my mind all the what-if's and should-haves. The bad thing was that I knew my daughter was on her way to my work, which is where I was heading, to pick something up from me. She knew I had the appointment and as soon as she saw me and before I could say anything I started crying...she just hugged me.

You know some cancers are easy to find, grade and stage. Some require surgery to find out those things. Here I was the first week of August knowing I had cancer, but no knowing how bad, and I wouldn't know any of that until after surgery which was scheduled for September 5, 2018. I lived one whole month living every emotion one has when they get the diagnosis. I lived one whole month denying myself prayer, because I felt ashamed, unworthy, scared and alone. I felt that there was no way GOD wanted any part of this mess.

Even though I didn't know it in those 4 weeks, I know it now and that is this simple truth: God knew. He knew I was going to be sick. He knew before my first symptom. He knew before that woman smiled at me and said "you've got cancer" - he knew.

"Nothing in all creation is hidden from GOD. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable." Hebrews 4:13

and he did what he does for all of us...he waited for me to check my worldly self, to lose my hardness, to lose my independence and find him.

"Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore he waits on high to have compassion on you for the Lord is a GOD of justice; how blessed are all those who long for him" "Isaiah 30:18

April

PS: here is a link to Information on testing for Cervical/Ovarian/Uterine Cancers, if in doubt ask for a test today:

Transvaginal Ultrasound: https://www.cancer.gov/publications/dictionaries/cancer-terms/def/transvaginal-ultrasound

Pap smear: https://www.cancer.gov/publications/dictionaries/cancer-terms/def/pap-smear

CA-125 Blood Test: https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/ca-125-test/about/pac-20393295

Vaginal Biopsy: https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/colposcopy/about/pac-20385036